A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband is a recovering alcoholic. During the summer he went into hospital to help this problem when he met an inpatient (female) and got along really well with her. There relationship was making me feel uncomfortable towards the end of his stay and I couldn't wait to get him home to get him away from her. The day he got home he called her that evening then twice the next night then he started texting her often. I told him I felt jealous and didn't like this. However it continued. We went on holidays two weeks after he got out of hospital and there he bought her three gifts one being a poem about what a great friend she is. We came home and the calls continued until I exploded one day and we had a big row. Things haven't been the same between us since, he is very withdrawn towards me and says she is the only friend he has. Am I being to hard on him not wanting this relationship to continue or might there be an emotional conection between them. I'm so confused.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2007): You are worried that your husband is becoming too close to this other woman and I understand your concern. All types of friendships are based on a commonalities that appeal to both people, be it an emotional, spiritual, intellectual or physical appeal. This friend appeals to your husband because she shares a common thread with him...an alcohol addiction. However, just as people choose to take the next step, so too can they choose to remain 'just' friends, instead. This is a hard concept for some men in cross gender friendships. Your husband has to know thew boundaries of limitations and sticking to them. It seems you have told him and it's fallen on deaf ears. Instead of understanding your feelings of hurt over this, he has decided to punish through withdrawing rather than trying his best to make you understand. This kind of exclusive emotional intimacy that he is bestowing on this female friend can be as threatening to marriage as an all out physical affair. I think you both need the help of a marriage counselor. Your husband is doing nothing to reassure you, that this friendship is platonic and non threatening. The best way he can do that is to understand that he must either allow you and her to become good friends, where you can get to know her well and gauge their interactions together...or give this friendship up, altogether. A friendship between a married man and woman must, absolutely...always include the wife. So, no...you aren't being hard on him at all. I think you need to set boundaries and talk to him calmly and lovingly about this. Never be afraid to express your concerns and thoughts to your very best friend...your husband. Take care dear and good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2007): I think he is being emotionaly unfaithful to you but at the same time I think you should take another approach to deal with this. The family of an addictive person is always a dysfunctional one where things have to be addressed by a professional, until you learn ways to cope with the problems between yourselves. I totally agree with the first annonnymous who encourages you to go to AA to get help also. You must learn the techniques to treat this kind of person, that is your husband, and most importantly learn to heal yourself from all the pressure his addiction has put you through. Maybe they could help you understand why he is becoming so emotionaly involved with this woman and why is she gaining all his trust and you are just earning his rejection. It's not your fault. I'd do the same thing. Is normal to be jealous. Run and get help! You can also read about "Codependency" and codependent marriages online to start right now. Remember that alcoholics and all kinds of addictive people may leave an addiction but they will substitute it by another one, because they need to somehow be in control because of the way they were brought up as kids. Good Luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2007): I think that looking into al-anon might be a good thing for you. Living with an alcoholic (recovering or not) can be very difficult. The folks from al-anon know how to deal with it quite well. Thats how the organization got formed. If hes doing AA then there has got to be some Al-anon around too. This will help you with more than just the current problems, it may well help you change your marriage into what you have probably wanted for years.Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Tommy7  +, writes (13 September 2007):
You are being too hard on him. I suggest you watch him and try to become his new best friend.
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