A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I recently broke up with my partner of 6 yrs. We started dating and after a whirlwind I found out I was pregnant after my contraception failed. This was a huge shock to me as I had a child already with my precious husband and wasn't planning on anymore hence the birth control. Anyway we made a commitment and over the 6 yrs it's been very testing..I gave up my life while he partied and did drugs, he never seemed to grow up. I stood by him and gave him chances but each time I told him I feel less and less 4 him because it's just too much work and i feel like gis mother not his partner.although he has so many good sides I see that we were just incompatible. I'm older and his immaturity and sheltered life just wasn't for me. He moved away for work and we had a lDR on the promise that his constant lies would stop and so would his drinking.. for context he doesn't drink often but when he does he gets into stupid situations and then takes drugs and lies again. While away he was still drinking. He came home and on a night out with my oldest child he was taking drugs. Tried to gaslight me and make me apologise to him etc and I called it off. He went bk to working abroad and I found out he was in the red light district. Told me it was just for drinks but I don't believe that. Anyway he's been back again and trying to get me bk. Doing all the things I asked him to do for yrs and being attentive. I told him between the lack of trust and him gaslighting me over the drug use I've no intention of getting bk with him so not to bw doing anything for me with the idea of me taking him bk because it wont be happening. He said hes doing atuff coz he should have before, and he wanted to show me etc etc.. ive been very clear about where we stand but he has been around me more now than in our 6 yrs together. This had me concerned so i voiced my position again. but has told me that if I decide not to take him back then he will not be friends atal and he will not have any contact with me unless it's over our child. I find that attitude absolutely ridiculous and immature. We do not have to be best friends but we should co parent as best we can and set a good example to our child just like me and my ex husband were. He said we won't be doing anything together and it will be a clean break. I've reminded him that we are already on a clean break and that he has been chasing to be around. Now his attitude is all over the place. He won't go away and Is here 90% of the time until he flies home but ive stressed over and over that I'm done. Drugs around my children is where I draw the line. He is going to AA and thinks that this will get me bk and I've reminded him that he needs to do this for him not me. He's now asked me to do family stuff with him this weekend. I've said no and he's annoyed with me over it but I don't see the point when he's been so vocal on where he stands with spending time together. Unfortunately we have a family holiday booked for July and he will not back down and says he's going either way. That's fine but I'm finding this all too much. He won't accept that we're not together and keeps saying if I don't take him bk I won't see him unless he's taking our child somewhere. It's all very juvenile and controlling to me. I just want him to sort his life and give me the space that I need as like I said I see him more now than ever b4 and he messages me constantly.. if I back off he thinks I'm being a bitch. I'm at my wits end he will not listen to me atal.
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best friend, broke up, drugs, immature, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2024): So ? I don't see the problem. If you break up you won't see him anymore except when he picks up his child, and that's normal, and just as things should be. What do you want to stay friends for ? Hang out and do drugs with him ?..
You say you draw the line at doing drugs with your son. The problem is that instead you don't draw it at all - doing drugs with your son is something thst warrants immediate expulsion from your life , stat - and too bad that you have to let him see his child, but unluckily that's his legal right. You are just finding excuses to hold on somehow to this person.
A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (9 May 2024):
 You are afraid to let him go. Admit it.
The situations already resolved. Tell him bye, or don't.
But at least be honest with yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2024): I'm an addicted person myself and I have to say we don't change unless we're ready to give up everything that goes with our dru(s) of choice - for many ppl this is especially the lifestyle. Bars, trap houses, ripping and running, fast money, whatever it is.
He may also want to be a good dad/partner/worker/citizen but he can't do that while doing drugs and drinking alcoholicly. No one can, at least not for long. I raises a son till he was 11, my addiction (alcohol) started when he was 5 and I wasn't even a partner, I wanted to reach that perfect level of "buzzed", be productive, and still be able to parent R.T. I couldn't- again and again I passed out on the couch and while I covered his physical needs, I wasn't there for him emotionally. One day he called his Auntie bc I passed out and didn't get him at the bus stop. Auntie came and got him and called CSB (Children's Service Board) and took him for 6 months. I went to 3 treatment centers and relapsed as soon as I got home. I finally gave up and let her adopt him. I got sober when he turned 18 but we're still working on the damage I did. He deserves better. It wasn't bc I didn't care, I wanted to get drunk (later added drugs) and still be mom to him. I can't have both.
He has to get better, give up his will and life to better himself if he's ever going to sober up. I'm sorry
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 May 2024):
 " but has told me that if I decide not to take him back then he will not be friends atal and he will not have any contact with me unless it's over our child. "
GOOD! You do not NEED to be "friends with this guy, you DO NOT need to TALK to this guy (unless it's about the kiddo)
You can't have both. You can NOT date him anymore, but you CAN'T demand that he shows up for you.
Just end it, walk away. Rebuild your life WITHOUT him. Make your two kids your priority.
Get child maintenance from him and set up visitation through the courts, get a parenting app to talk to him ABOUT the kid and nothing else.
Don't date for a while, so you can find your own two feet and create stability for your kids.
Kids and drugs CERTAINLY do not mix.
Dumping him is the right things to do. You know this.
You "think" you can change him - you can't. THIS is who he is.
Let him go. Move on.
If you can cancel the holiday and get a refund and/or rebook something else for you and the kids.
If you can't do that, LET him go by himself - WHO cares?! (unless you paid for it, then YOU go with the kids)
To be frank- a holiday shouldn't supersede your kids' safety.
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