A
female
age
41-50,
*mtryingsohard
writes:Hey folks, thanks for taking the time to give me some advice on helping my husband-like boyfriend. This post is long, but I feel like if you, lovely helper, are going to give me some great advice you might need some details first.My boyfriend and I have two children together. We were together for 6 years, he left me, and then we got back together about a year later. As of now we've been back together for about a year.I'm a full time student (about 6 months away from graduating). I'm not working right now because of school and kids. Maybe that's a mistake, maybe I could somehow be doing more...Anyway, my boyfriend seems to hate me. He doesn't go anywhere or really have any friends. He used to, but he had a falling out with his best friend and now avoids that entire group of people. It's my fault he had the falling out, because of something I said to his friends girlfriend (a good friend of mine that I basically don't see anymore), then she told her boyfriend... it was something I didn't know I wasn't allowed to talk about and I apologized and felt (still feel) really bad about it. He said he has forgiven me and I try to believe him. He's angry. All the time. I don't know what to do... He has a job, but has made barely more than $500 in the last two months because it's been slow. I get financial aid from school so I pay the bills and we get help from our families. So, while money is stressful, we and our children have food and shelter. So here is a list of the problems in our relationship that I could use advice on.1. We don't have sex more than once a month (i'd prefer a few times a week at least)2. He doesn't initiate any other forms of physical affection (hugging, snuggling, his kisses are tight-lipped and brief) - he pushes away my advances.3. He tells me he loves me but his actions aren't really supporting that (i'm trying hard to believe his words)4. He doesn't seem to care about things that I like or am interested in, rarely lets me choose what to watch on TV (he plays COD pretty much every free minute he has. I try to choose something we will both like when he let's me have a turn) -- I should mention here that I have to do homework for hours every evening, so I don't usually have time to watch TV (I feel horribly guilty about not being able to spend more time with him right now, and I have told him that, and how sorry I am)5. I have cold hands, so he doesn't like it when I touch him6. He says things like "I'm not your personal slave!" and "You should be happy, I'm so much better than other guys, I never go out, I'm always here" (I want him to go out with friends, I think that's important for a person's psyche)7. He's stopped helping me do housework.8. He doesn't play with our children.9. He critical and controlling of the children and of me.I can think of more things but let's just start with those.I don't know what else to do to make him feel happy and loved! I know he's lonely, but I can't set up a playdate for him, what am I supposed to do?Here's a typical day for me...6:30AM : Get up and make his lunch to take to work (he told me that when I make his lunch for him that helps him feel loved) Then I wake the children, get them dressed and ready for school, pack their lunches and drive them to school.8:30AM : drop kids at school and drive myself to school. 9:15AM : Get to school, shove in 45 minutes of homework before my first class.10 - 11:50: Class12:00 : text him a hello, thinking about you, hope your day is going well text (so I don't interrupt him at work)12 - 3: Class3 - 6: Homework ( I text him again here, I tried not texting him once, thinking I was being too clingy and he got mad that I hadn't texted him that day)6 - 9: Class9:30 PM : Home from school, ask him about his day, how the kids were etc.10:15 PM : Homework (since he's playing COD)11:30 PM : sleepI only have school twice a week right now, so the days I have off I wash the dishes, do laundry, mop, dust etc (we don't have a kitchen right now so I have to wash dishes in the bath tub) and of course, do more effing homework. I want to do well so that I can get a good job after I graduate. I also have our son home with me on two of the weekdays I don't have school. I do all the grocery shopping. He does meal prep on the days I have class late.I know this is a long post, I apologize, I just have no one else to ask for help about this. He would be so mad if he thought I was trash talking him to my friends, so I just tell them things between us are rocky but we're working on it...Please someone tell me what else I can do! I'm trying so hard, but nothing I seem to do helps him. He is depressed and angry and stand-offish and cold 98% of the time. The kids and that 2% are keeping me with him.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (14 February 2013):
Dear imtryingsohard,
You are already giving your best, so there's no use giving you anymore advice on what you should improve. Really, I see no point there.
You are not to blame for his lack of social life, so don't beat yourself up about this anymore. Yes, maybe he had a falling out with one friend, but maybe he didn't try hard enough to fix it. And the fact he doesn't have anyone else is surely not to be blamed on you.
He sounds depressed and depressed people can seem very cold and selfish. However, even a depressed person doesn't have the right to just lean back and let the others fix everything.
If I was you, I'd sit together with him, tell him what you just told us, basically, that you are tired of doing all the hard work, that you don't feel loved, and suggest that he should get help, e.g. counselling. Even if he's not financially helping, he can still try to be a better father and husband.
If he doesn't move his ass and doesn't make an effort to change, well, I would think about leaving.
Since you're already paying the bills and doing everything, maybe you're better off without him.
You already broke up before, so that could be a sign it didn't really work out between the two of you for a longer time.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 February 2013):
 I think you've given us a terrific report about why having a "husband-like boyfriend" should be about the last arrangement that a girl should settle for......
Remember... that YOU have done all you can to make this "relationship" like a marriage.... but, you have given your "boyfriend" a pass on his responsibilities... and he has proved, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he has no intention of being "husband-like" at all....
Follow SVC's advice to the letter... and arrange for you to take your's (and your kids') lives elsewhere... and let this so-called "man" go on his way.....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 February 2013):
 you gave us a great list of all the things that are wrong.
you are sleep deprived
money is beyond tight (if his primary job is slow why doesn't he get a second job)
you are going to school and running a household with children without help....
he thinks he's god's gift and that you should be grateful he's even with you...
If you are the one paying the bills I'd ask him to leave to be honest... he's not contributing meaningfully to your life or the children's lives...
no sex
no affection
no financial help
he's controlling
he blames you for everything....
what is good about the relationship.... give me a list of the good things...
can you take the kids and move to your family to save money (living without a kitchen is probably against the law too)
...............................
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