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female
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anonymous
writes: I am distraught because my soulmate and best friend has walked out of my life.Twelve years ago I met and became friends with a man at university. Soon we were spending every day together, sharing everything in our lives. We dated briefly for a short time, but it didn't work and we returned to being friends. There was no sex - this just wasn't what our friendship was about. We got to know each other inside out, and our friendship seemed always to only get deeper and stronger. It made my world sunny to know that he was there for me. And I was determined to be there for him through thick and thin. We promised each other that we would always be friends. We promised each other that we would not date anyone who didn't approve of our friendship. We promised each other that we would be at the other's funeral if the other died first.I have gone out with a number of men since, all of whom have been very accommodating with my friendship with this man. And, six years ago, my best friend started dating a lady who also claimed that she had no problem with me. I turned out that she was wasn't admitting what she truly felt. Once her relationship with my best friend was secure, when it was clear that they were both in love (this was 18 months ago when they got engaged), she revealed how much she disliked the fact that her husband-to-be had such a close friendship with another female. And from this point things got difficult. I tried very hard to make things easier for my friend's girlfriend. For example, I stopped hugging my friend wheb we met now that I knew his fiancee found this disturbing. But it was all too late. It was heartbreaking that she hadn't revealed her feelings earlier - because perhaps I could have worked harder to stop her feeling the way she does. She grew only more hatred for me. Soon, my friend stopped emailing and calling and visiting me. He stopped being a friend to me.I cry every day for the friend I once had and who has desserted me. I grieve for him so much. It feels so stupid that our friendship had to end (his girlfriend really was in no 'danger', there was never any possibility at all of me 'running off with him' or anything like that.) I feel sad that I suffer unnecessarily, because it didn't need to be this way. I am just very fond of him, I miss my soulmate in life, and I find it hard to go on without his wise and comforting words. It has been a long time now since he was part of my life, but the pain is still very intense. I know that he has suffered too, and he faced a difficult choice but that in the end he had to sacrifice his friendship with me for the sake of his marriage. And no-one seems to understand, because this level of grief is usually only experienced when one is dumped from a romantic relationship. When I try to explain to people, they assume that I must really have loved my friend in a romantic sense. It isn't the case. I am lonely without him just because he was the best friend I ever had. I love him, it is true, but I had no issue with him dating another girl (in fact I was very happy for him when he did). And my misery is so severe that at night I wish for awful things, that would carry me away from this lonely world. I simply can't go on without his friendship.
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best friend, engaged, fiance, soulmate, university Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Learning2Love +, writes (23 November 2006):
 I absolutely agree with rhythmandblues (beautifully and compassionatly stated).
Although you refer to what you had as a friendship it was more akin to a relationship (or what one should be) just without the physical union, but instead you had something which ran much deeper. Never regret this because it has made you the person you are today and is preparing you for YOUR very own soulmate.
Just move on and know that you're blessed.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2006): I tend to be a person who sums up things in very few words, but please don't take this as a sign that I do not understand or care about the gravity of your problem.
Friendships have seasons, and what was once a strong and viable relationship has to end so that this person can grow in ways that do not include you. Perhaps you replaced a marriage bond for this guy because you were so close, but just not not the exact thing he was looking for--- a marriage and family, but now he has found that and his wife feels threatened as she probably should be because having such a close replacement type relationship for her husband would have been a triangulation of their marriae partnership, meaning that you would have been taking much focus and energy from their own union.
Your friend has not really abandoned you, he has replaced you, and you are there deep in his heart. Perhaps it was because of the love you shared as friends that he learned how to connect on a deep level and found his true love in his wife. It is now probably time for you to do the same, go out and replace him with a love of your own.
Please find peace with this, there is no reason for regret or remorse...he added value to your life that some people never experience in thier lifetime, be grateful and go forth in this world knowing that you are loved and were loved.
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