A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am desperately unhappy because my boyfriend of 7 years is constantly critcising me. I made a mistake when I was young and got with the wrong guy and had two children. My children are grown up now and going to college/doing ok .. I have since been to university and got a got job with prospects. The guy I have been with all this time is divorced and he is quite insecure about the fact that he never went to further education. He is constantly telling me I am too fat, calling me a 'thick bitch' (he is rude about his ex wife and ex GF also). He goes on and on about things. I had a debt to pay off (an overdraft from before) and he always says stuff like 'if you hadn't got with the piece of sh*t in the first place you would have a big house by now as you'd have married someone better and wouldnt have got a big overdraft debt' etc etc ... He is constantly critical and makes racist comments about my daughter's BF who is black - he says things like 'has she washed the dirt off her hands yet' etc .... I fell in love with him when I saw his nice side years ago and I got used to him and got attached and I could kick myself. He has been loving and generous at times but I think deep down the real him is coming out. He is constantly critical of everything. He now says he wants to leave and 'get all ths shit out of' his life and date other women. He is ten years older than me and considered quite plain and yet he cosntantly criticises my looks even though I look after myself very well and many people say I am stunning/very pretty (although after all his comments all I see when I look in the mirror is a loser!) and yes I do need to lose a bit of weight but I was this size when he met me years ago and I have hardly aged and I have been very very good to him, including when his ex wife tok him back to court for lots of money. I feel upset to have spent all these years on someone who seems to be getting worse, not better. I am 43 and he is 53. Is there any hope for a man like this to change or is this the real him ant at 43, after investing all these years in him and getting so attached, is it better to stay and try and go to counselling with him or to leave and take a chance, even if it means being alone. Has anyone else been in this situation and if so, what did you do? Do Leopards change their spots? I am confused, upset and really losing all respect for him although the other part of me loves the kind funny man I first fell in love with. I would be so glad of any advice .. Thanks.
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acne, debt, divorce, ex girlfriend, ex-wife, fell in love, his ex, insecure, money, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): I have been in a similar situation. I have read up on emotional abuse and psychological abuse - that is what you are going through. He is keeping you down trodden so he can use you and yet threatens you with leaving / other women etc at the drop of a hat. You are bewildered and messed up in the head. Yet actually he is the weak one but this show of bullying is his way of covering it up. No. No more. You have two choices with this abusive man. Stand up to him (takes courage, strength and risk) or leave (easier and possibly better). If you get a chance read 'The emotionally abusive relationship' by Beverly Engel as soon as possible. It helped me make my mind up - and leaves no stone un turned.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): I felt like I was reading my story.
My boyfriend now was a waste of my four years because of his criticism problems which run identical to your claims.
How I handled it was I drew the line and said no more. I have a zero tolerance policy. After the initial cut off with a genuine and hard lined break up, telling him there is no future with him because of his treatment, things turned around.
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