A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am so so jealous of my partners ex. I dont know where to start butit just seems like she was better in every way. She was very good looking, she had a kid, guys were always hitting on her. She is now doing a great job that pays well and she is married to this gorgeous guy!Men just fall all over her, my partner got into serious debt when they were together in order to please her and he did things that were well out of his comfort zone. She then cheated on him and he left her, but he said he didnt really want to and felt bad about leaving her. With me the relationship is just dull, he says its a lot of fun and he loves being with me and wants to get married! but I dont think that is true. I'm a really dull, boring individual with a dull boring life and I have never had sex, guys never hit on me etc. I'm not ugly or anything, just relaly normal and dull. Should I leave? I am desperately unhappy because I cant measure up to this woman and I just want to get out of this relationship so that I do not have to be compared to her.
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female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (6 April 2011):
 I've been to Hell and back with obsessing over my partner's ex who sounds to be a lot like your partner's ex. I'm getting a LOT better, and you can, too. You should really not be looking at the type of person she is now or the life she's living, because it's not affecting your boyfriend whatsoever at this point. He broke up with her, and he no longer experiences his life with her, so there's no reason to be bringing her into YOUR present when he's left her in the past.She doesn't sound like a good person. First of all, she cheated on him. Women who cheat do not hold high standards for themselves or for the relationships they're in. You say you haven't had sex? Big deal. My partner's ex was hit on a lot as well and she claims she lost her virginity to him at age 15! But then she went and slept with his friends whenever they were on any kind of a break, which was often. My partner's ex also cheated on him numerous times, and he finally wised up to it and ended things for good. I was a virgin when I met my fiance and he's the only guy I've ever had sex with. Imagine how not-so-special it will be if you're dreading losing your virginity to him because his ex has had sex already. Don't let that ruin things.You also mentioned she had a kid. So? My partner's ex also had a child at age 18 (not with my fiance) and is now a single parent. From the sounds of it, your boyfriend's ex had a kid before she met your boyfriend. Talk about getting around... And she had a kid before she found a guy she wanted to marry. She doesn't sound like she's very good at making good decisions for herself.And she has a good job now. Again...So? Just because she's married, has a job, and has a kid, doesn't mean she's happy. Appearances can be deceiving. Living the American Dream doesn't equal happiness. Oftentimes that can mean MUNDANE AND BORING. You're still young, fresh, and have your whole life ahead of you to have kids, get a kickass job, and get married, while she's already done all of that. Her life is made for her now while you're still creating yours. Don't compare yourself to her anymore. She's not worth it.It sounds to me like you need to work on your self-esteem (which I've had to work on A LOT). Do things for YOU. Think about YOUR relationship with YOUR boyfriend. He's with you now, not her. Her self-esteem may be just as low, if not lower than yours. Why do you think she cheated? She probably needed some kind of ego boost. Give yourself a break. Stop calling yourself "boring" and "dull". If your boyfriend says you're fun and he's happy, believe him! Guys don't stick around with girls they don't have fun with just for kicks. Plus, if she were so "fun", he would have stayed with her and not gotten with you. You must have something she doesn't!Trust me when I say that, if you do not let this go, it will destroy you and your chance at happiness with a great guy. It almost did for me, so I decided to change things. And IF you break up with him, don't think that this problem will go away. You'll STILL be comparing yourself to her, and if not her, then it'll be someone else. And if not comparisons, you'll find a way to use your insecurities elsewhere. I've experienced it time and time again. Go talk to someone (a counselor), or pick up a new hobby, or join a gym. Or better yet, DO THESE THINGS WITH YOUR PARTNER. It will give you new experiences together that he's never had with anyone, let alone his ex. Trust me on this one, you can get through this. Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011): Thank you everyone for your replies. I am the OP and because I didn't register its a shame that not all of you will be notified about my repost. macdubh, thats really insightful and yes that is what my partner said about the 'feeling bad thing' He felt a lot of his confidence was shattered and he took a long time to get over that. As this happened so long ago, he has done the talking and says he doesnt think about that time in his life, as it is a waste of his time to do so. Also, he felt stupid that he got into debt for this woman. So again, you are correct. Cerberus. Thank you for looking at things from a diff perspective to me. Yes I realise that we all have our talents and weaknesses, but to me, during my low points it just seems like she has this awesome fairy tale life and I have a dull, boring one. thank you all again.
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male
reader, Illithid +, writes (6 April 2011):
 She cheated and you haven't. She drove him into debt and you haven't. She constantly got hit on and flirted and left him paranoid, but he trusts you. How does any of that make her better? This guy wants to marry you. He loves YOU! If you insist on thinking he's too good for you, just count yourself lucky and be happy you got a good guy, but don't let insecurity take this away from you.
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male
reader, macdubh712 +, writes (6 April 2011):
"With me the relationship is just dull, he says its a lot of fun and he loves being with me and wants to get married! but I dont think that is true. I'm a really dull, boring individual with a dull boring life and I have never had sex, guys never hit on me etc. I'm not ugly or anything, just really normal and dull."This is the second large paragraph of your post. Now, I do beg your pardon for my frank observation, but you asked. This paragraph tells me that you have very low self esteem and if so, this is probably not your fault in the least. Additionally, I am willing to bet that although you see yourself as not even comparing to your BF's ex it is probably the other way around; she probably does not compare to you. You stated some "facts" about her then you said this in your post: "Men just fall all over her, my partner got into serious debt when they were together in order to please her and he did things that were well out of his comfort zone. She then cheated on him and he left her, but he said he didnt really want to and felt bad about leaving her." Let's break this down for a second. A) "Men just fall all over her.." She knows this and uses this to her advantage. B)"...my partner got into serious debt when they were together in order to please her and he did things that were well out of his comfort zone." Refer to A. 1) Your BF was manipulated into doing things that she wanted him to do, buy, or say. 2)He lost himself by falling prey to her manipulation. C)"She cheated on him..." She saw the he fell for her games and probably viewed him as "weak." Also, this alone shows the true quality of her character. D) "...and her left her." He wised up and realized what type of person she is. E) "...but he said he didnt really want to and felt bad about leaving her." Even though he wised up left her arse in the dust, the entire experience delivered a blow to his own self esteem and caused a confidence problem within himself. He needs reassurance that he made the right decision and probably needs to talk about it with someone. I think turning to you to discuss this would be good for the both of you. Do you do any of these things to him? If not then you should please try to realize that if you act in a manner opposite of this, i.e. you treat him well, this is an indication that you are a valuable person in his life and you should be proud that you are nothing like your BF's ex.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 April 2011):
 I hate to break it to you but DULL and BORING is what real life is about. Most people would love a man who wanted to be with them day in and day out in the mundane daily crap of life.being in a comfort zone that feels safe and is trusting is what MOST folks want out of life.sounds like you provide to your partner what he WANTS and NEEDS... how can that be bad?why does someone NO LONGER in his life have so much power for you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011): Let me get this straight you want to give up a perfectly good relationship because you don't think you compare to a girl he is no longer with or gives a crap about?He loves being with and says your not boring and dull so no offence OP but I'll trust his opinion over yours because if you were boring and dull he'd already be gone.You have to stop comparing yourself to her on your own, no one else is, only you. And you know what? Leaving won't solve that in fact leaving will only make it a permanent thing. You see if you end this relationship while still thinking this way and for this reason, when you look back on it she's all you'll remember, this insecurity you have about her will not only always be there in your mind but you'll also have the regret of stupidly letting a good guy go because you can't stop comparing yourself to his ex.Nobody is better than you, just different. Believe it or not OP most of us guys don't want a girl who gets hit on all the time, we get just as insecure about that as you are getting about her.Now here is the clincher OP, this is what matters most. You've never had sex you say therefore you've never cheated and probably never will. That makes you a million times better than her, it makes everything else about her nothing because she's a lying, cheat. Not only that but the fact she lets guys hit on her all the time means she will do it again, once the opportunity arises. How is someone that can do that kind of thing better than you? Seriously how? Now you can focus on all the superficial things you think she has better, but then you might aswell lock yourself in a box and never leave OP because everyone is better than us at something. There are millions of hotter people than us, there are millions with more money, there are people better at all things in life than us but that also means we're better than people at things too. Stop being so self absorbed and start appreciating what you have. This beautiful, successful woman threw away your boyfriend and now you have him. She couldn't keep a good guy like him because she was stupid and dumped him are you really going to be stupid too and let him slip through your fingers?Stop comparing yourself to others and start living your life for you. If you want to be a certain way then make it happen but stop putting unrealistic expectations on yourself because you're only driving yourself crazy for nothing. He's with you, he chooses to be with you you better start appreciating that and stop freaking out about things that matter or you're going to lose him and then you're back to square one.
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A
female
reader, marlena  +, writes (6 April 2011):
Hi....it sounds like you are driving yourself crazy comparing yourself to your partners ex and that is NO way to live. If you're so unhappy, then maybe you shouldn't be with him, unless you feel you can get over this.Why don't you start doing things to make yourself feel better? Like work out, put an effort into your appearance, you have to exude confidence. If not, your man will eventually get turned off by your insecure attitude and behaviour. Honestly it's not even worth wasting your time constantly comparing yourself to her. If yor man says he is happy with you and wants to marry you, then why are you doubting it?? Also, she's married and moved on, so why don't you move on from thinking about her and your ex all the time! Have you ever thought that maybe he got sick of women like her and just wants a nice, normal, average girl to settle down with?? Some men could care less about those hot women, who seemingly have everything going for them. Maybe her personality sucks?Either you stay with him and get over the ex, or you leave him and find somebody that you will feel less insecure with. This has more to do with you, work on your confidence and stop being so insecure....that will get you nowhere. Life is too short to waste time on thinking about his ex all the time....
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2011): Are you dating him or his ex?If it's an issue where he talks about her all the time or compares you to her, then you should have a talk with him about how that makes you feel inadequate. If this is the scenario, the problem is with your boyfriend continually talking about the girl he just broke up with, it's not with you.If talking won't help, then I think you're right, you should break up with him, so he can get over his ex and you can work on your self confidence.Good luck.
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female
reader, DEDEE  +, writes (6 April 2011):
first things first you should stop comparing yourself to your boyfriends ex your boyfriend loves you for who you are you don't need to measure up to nobody.you are unique in your own way if i had a pound for every time i compared myself to other girls i would be a very rich person.talk to your boyfriend more about this but far as what you have told me he wants his future to be with you .
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