A
female
age
51-59,
*nravelled
writes:I've been struggling with a situation for months now and recently things came to a head I just couldnt bear it anymore. I'll try to be as brief as I can about a complex situation... I'm gay and have a partner but she and I have had ups and downs and these last few years more down than up. But we stuck together and we both havenot come out cos of circumstances and society we live in does not tolerate homosexuality and it is illegal and persecuted actively here. My first love was a girl I knew from high school and we only recently got back in touch after years of separation and thought I'd lost forever. I eventually came to realise that I still love my partner but in a different way. I realised that I loved the girl I used to know but not in the present but I couldnt break off contact with her though she is married and tells me upfront that I cannot expect much from her;she and I connect on a different level which I craved and felt missing with partner. we live in different countries and so we've not been together physically although we both have acknowledged that it would not stop us if ever we met up. Meanwhile, I struggled with feelings of guilt and the self-loathe that I could be unfaithful and I never imagined and had never happened before this that I could carry on with more than one person at the same time. In the midst of all this I realised also that I'd feelings for a girl at work that I now know is straight tho there are lingering doubts as I've intuitively felt she had on some level encouraged me which I think now perhaps I may have misinterpreted - I'm not sure about anything anymore. I just couldnt help how I felt. I have to say, I'd feelings for her for nearly 3 years before this and I only approached her after much soul-searching and only when I found out that she was leaving the company. I felt I owed it to myself to tell her but everything went sour after. She turned me down telling me she's straight. I tried to reason it away and the fact she knew I had other relationships sure it was a bad idea to get involved with me anyway.who would, right? I only want to talk it out cos I feel its possible to put this behind us but she didnt even want to give me that.We've gone from being friends to being someone distant and unfriendly. it was obvious she was distancing herself though she was angry/indignant when I pointed out she was avoiding me. I'm so profoundly saddened that I've lost a friend and then terrified that she might tell others abuot it and tho I've repeatedly pleaded by email/texting that she wouldnt, she's not answered and it makes me sick with worry. I'm barely able to mask it all and still be able to keep it together-just barely-! I'm so, so tired, I'm so tired of feeling scared, sad, unsure, afraid.I've never felt so down in my life for this stretch of time, for instance today I'm here in the town where she lives on business and all I could think about is trying to see her to sort it out and at same time the heavy dread and fear of rejection.To make things worse, before she left the company she emailed to a bunch of people including me her cell no. etc. The dilemma in my mind is paralysing. I've been so depressed, its just wearing me down day in day out; the solution may be painfully clear to everyone else but I just cant see whats in front of me anymore. I know I've said a lot or too much and I apologise for rambling, I am desperate for help, anything to give me a way out of this so that I can stop feeling this way. Pls help, thanks.
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female
reader, hunkydory  +, writes (30 July 2009):
From what I can tell you arent happy in your relationship anymore? have you sat down and talked about what you have just said with your partner/close friend/family member? your not alone out there so dont feel that you are! the girl from your work might be a bit freaked out having someone gay come up to them like that, just give her some space and maybe you can rebuild a friendship with her. as for your relationship that is aving loads of downers the now why not try and spice t up a bit? start talking more about your problems and go out on dates and have romatic nights in. see if you can rebuild your relationship with her, but only if you want to. as i see that there is another girl, your first love? have you told her how you feel?I think the main thing that you should do is talk about it with someone you trust, they will know you better and will be able to give you some more personal advice. best thing to do tho is dDont let this get to you! ive got gay friends and they have come to me for help, so your not alone!Hope that helps you out abit xx
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