A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, please help, im dating a man that just got custody of his 2 kids, they are both preschoolers. The mom died. We had been dating almost 3 months when this happened. We were living in different cities and now he moved to my city. The kids are badly behaved and he has no parenting skills. My kids are teenagers and never acted the way his do, they are not perfect but they always respected people.I care about him but i get very uneasy when his kids are around me, he asks me to bathe them sometimes and baby sit them. I am too nice and am feeling taken advantage of. He asked me for my CREDIT to buy a plasma TV and even to buy a car, i said no. Now he asked me to pay his lightbill until he got paid. PLEASE HELP, IM desperate!!! i have talked to him and he says its all in my mind. He is 26 and im ten yrs older. thanx Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLet it be know that the heading states he is asking me to pay for his bills and this is untrue, he is only asking me to LEND HIM THE MONEY until he gets paid , i still feel that is wrong since he knew the bill was due and decided to spend the money on other things. And just to give some more info the mom of the kids and him were getting divorced at the time she p;assed and i knew him only 2 months. I feel i got involved too soon. thanx
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (17 September 2008):
The parenting thing - I can understand after all you are a woman and therefore supposed to have some kind of magical "mother DNA" meaning you will be great with his kids.
He has no idea what he is doing and thinks that you will help the situation.
The kids have just had their world ripped out from under them and suddenly their dad (who used to turn up at Christmas) is telling them what to do and this strange woman is coming in and defiling the name of their mum by trying to replace her.
You are stuck in the middle.
The money thing is what worried me. Trying to get you in debt so he can have a new tv / car is not on for someone you've only been with a few months.
Unless you are using a lot of his electricity then you shouldn't have to pay for it.
It seems like he has suddenly had to become a dad so he is suddenly trying to make you his little wifey.
Stay firm about the money. It only causes problems.
As for the parenting thing tell him you will help out but that you want to talk to the kids and explain you are not trying to be their Mum, just an aunty. You could even get them to call you Aunty Sue (or what ever your name is) so they know you have authority but are not an evil step mother.
Also tell him that you expect him to get a baby sitter every week and take you out for a fabulous date. You did not sign up for this, you need to be a girlfriend first to him, and everything else is extra. Don't let him forget that you could disappear any time.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (17 September 2008):
 Okay so maybe he needs your help at the moment with his children rather than your criticism. If he hasnt been with the kids much prior to their mums death than he wont have had chance to really work on his parenting skills. If he only saw them occasionally he would probably have allowed them to do what they like.
Put yourself in their shoes, they are pre-schoolers, their mum has died and they are suddenly living with their dad and there is a new lady in their life. They need boundarys and rules and to know they are loved and that daddy is not going to go away like mummy did. This family will need a lot of time and patience and help. He should maybe think about evidence based parenting classes to help him out to understand how to be a good dad to them, suggest this by all means but not in a way that makes him feel inadequate but in a way that suggests you feel it will benefit the children especically.
As for the financial side he may be taking advantage so just remain firm on that side of things. Think long and hard as to whether you want to help this man long term as the last things the kids need is to lose you if they become attached x
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A
female
reader, Chippy2 +, writes (17 September 2008):
For the children the loss of their mother has to be a stressor and for him also - I dont have enough info as to their relationship before she died and at the time of her death to offer more on that.How YOU feel though seems right on target. How can a man ask you to buy him a plasma tv and a car - that doesnt even make sense for him to use your credit - that is a def sign of a user. I would suggest he take some parenting classes and I would offer to help with the light bill only if it is within your means and with the understanding that it is to be paid back when he gets paid! I am not sure if you two know were you are going with relationship but I wouldnt get too involved with his kids unless you are planning engagement and it seems way too early for this thinking.Best of Luck -
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