A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:For the past few months I've grown to have feelings for a woman I work with. About the first five months, I didn't feel anything for her and simply went about my day. She's the very quiet type unless spoken to. She keeps her answers short and does not delve into long conversations, although her answers will be honest and over time, she appears glad when people interact with her despite she doesn't initiate the conversation. Anyway, I grew to have feelings for her and couldn't ask her out because I was in a position of authority, sort of like her boss. She always had lunch in the breakroom, and soon after, I joined her. From there, she opened up more and we got along for the remainder of the day. Whereas before, she would keep to herself, it then turned into us having a positive and friendly morale for the whole day. This went on for a little over two months. Then one day, all of a sudden, she began having lunch in her car (which she does to this day). I noticed that when she stopped having lunch with me, throughout the rest of the day she became more distant and less interested in speaking with me. She became more withdrawn, similar to when she first started working there. She began acting like she couldn't stand to be in the same room as me. Her tone changed more as well. I don't understand because I didn't do or say anything that was offensive, insulting, etc. Eventually, due to her change in attitude, I would visit her office (perhaps more than I should have) and began to sense she felt I was an annoying pest wasting her time. I had wanted to ask her out for a while and finally did. She gave me an obvious excuse (not a yes and not a no) but a excuse nonetheless. She smiled and seemed flattered. I asked again a few weeks later but that second time she had a legitimate reason (spending the week at a family's house down the shore). She's been working with me for a year, and in that time I've been nothing but nice, kind, thoughtful, accomodating and a gentleman. I decided to try something different - I began avoiding her and not speaking to her (to give her space so she wouldn't feel I was smothering her all the time). Sometimes she'd give me a look like "Why isn't he talking to me? Did I do something wrong?" or she'd just roll her eyes at me like she was mad. I really thought avoidance may have helped lighten the friction and tension between us, but it only seemed to escalate. I'm absolutely confused about what to do - if I keep talking to her and trying to be nice, not only do I get hurt but it just annoys her. And if I avoid her, she doesn't seem to care or appears angry that I'm doing so. It seems like a catch-22.Why would she all of a sudden just distance herself from me? Why, for two months when we were having lunch together and bonding, sharing interests and things about our lives, would she just stop and act aggressive towards me? Was she interested and because I didn't act upon it soon enough, her emotions turned to anger? Or, did she know I liked her and is treating me this way as not to lead me on?By the way, she told me during our lunches that she doesn't have a boyfriend or go places where she meets people. Then, when she began avoiding me and I did ask how her weekend was, etc., she always had plans and was keeping herself busy.So what do I do now? I know I've probably embarrassed myself countless times in front of her, but now the situation is getting worse because she's becoming increasingly agitated towards me with each passing day.I greatly apologize for this very long message, but I'm completely lost about what to do now, and how things turned out like this. Please, some insight. THank you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2008): Thank you for your advice. For the first couple of months, she was an intern. Soon after, about the time after she stopped having lunch with me, she became a full time employee and although I have seniority over her, we're both on the same level (meaning I'm not really her boss anymore). It's been this way for the past few months and I asked her out well after this, so I doubt that had anything to do with it. Any other thoughts?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2008): She probably feels intimidated by you because you are her boss. If you are really serious about her, you find another job, and then ask her out. Switching jobs is a risk, but one you will need to take, if you want to pursue a relationship with her.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (17 September 2008):
If you are her boss then tell her you need to talk to her and just ask what happened.
You need to be able to work together in a friendly and professional way so you need to get this sorted out.
Just talk to her and clear the air.
Good Luck!! xx
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