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female
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anonymous
writes: I'm having real trouble with this guy with behavioural problems that i'm seeing. His parents kicked him out because he broke his stepdad's jaw in a fight. His mum won't let him come home unless he starts taking the drugs the doctor prescribed to calm him down, but he won't take them because he doesn't want to become boring because he fears no one will like him. So he's homeless, crashing on various friends' sofas and it's really getting him down He won't take our relationship onto a serious level because he says he's in a bad place. we've been out before and he doesn't want to hurt me like that again (i'm over it now). We still fool around though, the other day we were having an intimate moment, and it was really romantic and beautiful as well as being really kinky, and i've just found out that he went and told my friend all about it! I haven't heard the details of what he told her, but i would imagine he was just boasting about the kinky part.I know i'm going to be advised to stay away from this guy, that's what everybody tells me, but i see something in him that no one else seems to see and as much as i hate myself for it i could never just turn my back on him because he means too much to me and i know he's a good person even if he is such a pain in the ass. All his personality defects seem to have reasons so i can forgive him for them. He attention seeks, lies and exaggerates stories all the time, and makes out he's all tough and macho because he's so insecure around people, probably due to growing up with behavioural problems resulting in poor social skills. It's driving me crazy that i'm so torn between this beautiful perfect guy and his behavioural problems that squander the good guy underneath. It's so frustrating! sorry this is really long xx
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (23 May 2006):
 The guy needs professional help to address his anger problems, and you have adopted the role of social worker as much as being his lover. You must step back and not get too involved until he sorts himself out. If you really like the guy, point him in the direction of the local community health centre as they can offer him professional support, and maybe can link into welfare housing services so that he isn't homeless for too long. His homeless status surely cannot be helping him addressing his other problems. To be blunt, you sound like a soft touch and very forgiving. But you also have to retain your self respect out of this whole situation. Sure you like the guy, but you also deserve to be treated with respect and telling other people about intimate details of your love life is not good. I understand that he maybe feeling insecure and think of you as a trophy, or the only good thing in his life at the moment but that is not a licence for bad behaviour. You also need to be careful about his aggression too - if he breaks men's jaws, he can break yours too if you don't meet his expectations (aggressive people have poor self control and are ready to express their anger in their fists). You may use your friendship as an opportunity to ensure that he gets professional help by highlighting how much easier it would be to have a proper relationship if he took his med's, found a place to stay and addressed the anger/ personality issues. If he really has feelings for you then he should be motivated to change himself, but if he doesn't try then it is perhaps not worth investing your time and obvious good heart in this guy.
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