A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So... this guy i'm dating. He's perfect.. in theory... but then he does stuff that confuse me big time. He wants to go out with me but he wants to go home 10 p.m... (and why? i don't know since school is off for the summer and he doesn't have a job)i mean is not like i want to go drinking everyday but come on! we're both grown ups, in our 20's and we should party sometime. and i don't think that go out and walk for 2 hours counts as a date. In rare cases we go and have a cup of coffee. But then he has to go home 10-11 pm (or so he says) but then it turns out that on his way home he "finds" friends that convince him to go out. So he goes out but he won't go out with me. And when we do go out (for coffee or to walk) he never wants to talk about serious stuff he keeps just joking around or talking about college. But when we're even close to have a more personal conversation he just changes the topic. And sometimes he cancels dates but never even cares to give me an explanation. He just sugar coated everything and says (and i quote) "You know i can't see you today i don't want you thinking it's about you, you know i LOVE being with you i think about you all day and i even dream about you. Please believe me. I'm sorry, i'll see you tomorrow if you're ok with it, please please you know my heart loves you" But he never says why can't he see me. And whenever i ask he says something vague and barely believable. He is actually really corny and he says stuff like that all the time. i mean we have been together like 3 weeks and you love me?? i'm not buying that. Then he seems to want to keep me away from his friends. To be fair his friends don't like me and i don't like them either because of a misunderstanding we had... i went out 2 times with another one of his friends whom i have been friends for like 2 years. But when he ask me out he never said it was a date. He told me really casually like "hey want to go to the movies" ?. so we went and that was it. Then 2 days after he says "hey i'm going to a bar with some friends wanna come along?? so i said yes and i went. I really thought it was clear that we were only friends. Anyway that night i met my now boyfriend. He got to the bar and they introduced me to him. Long story short we spend the rest of the night talking to each other and we didn't pay attention to anyone else. Next time i went out with my now boyfriend we run into his friends and they all started saying really mean things to us about the other guy. I am truly sorry that this dude tought that we were dating. But the times we went out we didn't kiss or hold hands or anything. I really thought i was just going to the movies with a friend. Nothing more. After that every time we'd run into his friends they'd say something mean "joking" but it stills sucks. My boyfriend apologize to the dude, i apologized to the dude and he said it was ok, not to worry. But his friends just can't seem to let go. And i think that's a big part of why he hides stuff from me and why he never wants us to go out. Maybe he regrets being with me or he's embarrassed to be with me i don't know. I know, to his friends i must seem like a cold heartless bitch that jumps from men to men but it was really just a big misunderstanding. Anyway a couple of days ago he said he couldn't see me on friday because he was going out with his friends. I said ok and i asked him directly why he would go out with anyone but me. He never gave me a straight answer so i just said ok, and we were supposed to meet tonight. But then yesterday i went out with my friends and we went to this bar, because a friend of ours has a band and they were playing there last night. As it turns out my boyfriend was there with his friends. I never thought he was going to be there, but i figure it was ok. I didn't even tried to say hi because i know his friends don't like me at all. So i just sat down with my friends. Five minutes after i got there he gets up and starts saying goodbye to his friends. Then he comes up to me and says goodbye, plain and simple. No kiss no nothing. Just waved goodbye. For someone that most of the time we're together all that wants to do is make out is kind of weird. Plus i'm supposed to be his girlfriend so WTF?? i don't get it. He refuses to take me out with his friends (i don't think the ones who hate me are the only friends he has) and he has made clear that he doesn't want to go out with mine either (even though my friends are more than willing to invite him everytime we go out) .. and the only thing he wants to do with me is walking around and drinking coffee. But not even with the option of a real conversation. And yes he is affectionate and sweet. but i don't know what's going on. Is not even about sex since he is a virgin. And i don't think he wants to have sex anytime soon. Is he embarrassed to be with me ?? or what's going on ?? Am i reading too much into this?? Should i just walk away now that is still time ?is he really hiding something? sorry for the lenght of this stuff. help please! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd for the record he does go out and drink he has pictures and he always tell me stories about it and he does with his frieds. So is not like he doesn't like to drink or going out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionchigirl i think you're right. I too hate when people misuse the word love and he really seems to be too eager to excuse himself. Tonight (we were supposed to meet but i didn't make it, cause in my defense i didn't thought he would show up after the friday incident)i went out with my friends and around 1 am i found out he went to my house looking for me. What kind of person does that ?? is 1 am... is just plain rude. He does come off as inmature and i'm just not ready to be patient and try and teach him something. I think we're better off alone.
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reader, sammy1986  +, writes (10 July 2011):
he sounds very immature he won,t talk to you in front of his mates come on if a man really liked you he wouldnt care what his mates thought as for not going on dates with you do you think he has told his mates you arent together anymore or something
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2011): He might be extremely shy and may not be into most of the activities that most young adults in Western society are interested in doing. Ask what he likes to do on his spare time when you are not around and then ask if it is alright with him if you tag along. It does seem odd at first that he will go to the bar with his buddies but not with you but this might only a one time deal and he just did not want to adimt to some of his other associates that he does not like drinking
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 July 2011):
 Why aren't your alarm bells going off already? Perfect, this guy? Who you are only dating with, dates which you don't barely even count as dates, who tells you in texts that he loves you? And in such a weird way too, he uses "love" as an excuse. His message, summed up, says this: "I can't meet you today, but it's ok right, because I'll tell you I love you". As if that's supposed to make things ok? Not that he even needs to excuse himself, he just seems... too, way too eager to excuse himself. Without you even knowing if he's got anything to excuse himself for. He's also being secretive, with or without reason remains to be seen.
At any rate, the way he jumps to excuses sounds to me like he expects you to go into a drama rant on him... again without reason. This is all very odd.
Not only is his behaviour indeed odd and suspicious, the way he misuses the word "love" should also be an alarm bell. He doesn't mean it. He doesn't love you. He barely knows you. This tells me that he doesn't value love, doesn't know what it is, and doesn't respect you much either. If he respected you he'd reserve that special word and announcement for when he ACTUALLY MEANS IT. Not to cover his ass everytime he ditches a date, but doesn't want to tell you why.
As for the friends thing, that's impossible to pin down. It might have nothing at all to do with you, or everything to do with something silly you don't even know about, and less likely anything to do with what you think it is about. I honestly don't think guys care who went out on a date with whom, as long as you didn't sleep with them. Some people just don't like other people, what can you do. Ignore that, their loss.
As for the bar incident where your boyfriend just said goodbye without a kiss: he was probably thinking you were pissed off at him since you didn't even say hi to him! What can you expect? Who cares if his friends don't like you? If you see your boyfriend and you want to say hi you're within your rights to go up to him and do just that. I think he didn't try to kiss you because you kept a distance and he thought you didn't want to be kissed.
To be honest, I think this guy sounds immature. And a bit selfish. He only wants to do what he wants to do, and none of what you want to do, he cancels on you, and he gives you lame excuses, he misuses the word "love", and he doesn't know how to connect at a deeper level. Maybe he lacks depth? Or he's too shy to show it? 3 weeks isn't too long, if you give him time he might start to open up.
But, given that there's so many indications here of immaturity, I will pin this down to group pressure. He's with you because he thinks you're pretty, and a boy is expected to have a girl he can brag about, he doesn't carry deep conversations just for this reason: it's not you he's interested in, he just wants the pretty thing to brag about. It makes him feel important. It's a little troublesome with his friends nagging on him, and his friends probably don't know he's a virgin. He sounds flaky with you... this sort of behaviour is what you'll see in a two timer or player. Maybe he acts this way because of the group pressure, he thinks this is how he's supposed to be with you.
You can either start teaching him how to connect at a deeper level and how to act in a relationship (no LOVE words before they actually carry meaning, you do things both of you enjoy, not just what he wants, and he starts being open and honest with you, and also opens up more so you get to know who he truly is). It'll take a long while, and I can't promise you success.
Of course, I can be completely wrong. This is just what it sounds like. I don't think he's being serious about you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah i thought it was about this other guy too... but the fact is.. he actually doesn't mind being with me in public... in fact his friends have seen us together many times holding hands or kissing. Even the guy who asked me out has seen us together and he stills says hello and everything. I don't understand anything at all.
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reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (10 July 2011):
 It sounds to me like this friend of his liked you and know he feels bad because of what happened. It sounds like he is hiding you from his friends and he doesn't want to be seen out in public with you because he probably hasn't told his friends that you are his girlfriend. Things need to change if you are both going to last. He is hiding something from you that is for sure. I don't think that he is embarrassed by you I just think he doesn't want people to know that you are together because of this other guy. I think the best thing for you to do is tell him he needs to start making an effort or else it is over, because this relationship is never going to last like this. He is showing that he doesn't care about you or your feelings, because if he did he would stand up for you and tell his friends the truth.
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