A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ive been seeing a guy for four months. Because of his job and the fact we live far away we have both decided that to go out properly would be a bad idea. Thing is that i am beginning to feel a bit used as we are not going out yet and ive really fallen for him. I would like us to go out and see each other regularly (only every 3 weeks at the moment). Im kind of a person where its all or nothing with me. I feel that if he really wants me he will make the extra effort to ask me out as his girlfriend and make the effort to see me.Now here's the problem, do i go for it and ask him to officially go out with me?Do i explain what ive just wrote here and see what he says?I know he has feelings for me the same way as at this stage i am able to tell a genuine guy from a player and i think he is genuine.Do i continue to see him if he doesnt want to go out as even seeing him every 3 weeks would be better than not seeing him at all?Or do i have to understand that he works long hours and doesnt feel he can make the commitment?Any help would be great as i posted yesterday and only got one answer. Thanks for reading.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008): Trisha makes a few good points.
I would just tell him that you'd like to take the relationship a little further if I were you... Tell him that you really like him and that you'd like to spend more time together, say that you know it's hard because he's far away and because of his job, but that you really like him and want the relationship to be something a little bit more serious... see what he says and ask him what he thinks.
Good Luck. x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008): There is a song called "when a man loves a woman" (I'm sure you've heard of it). One of the lyrics goes "When a man loves a woman, he'd give up all his comfort, sleep out in the rain, if she said that's the way it ought to be."
If he really liked you, no amount of distance or long hours at work would pose enough of a challenge to not see you and be with you...NOTHING can stop a man who loves you from spending time with you. I knew a guy whose girlfriend lived 3000 miles away and he used to fly up to see her every other weekend. When you are inlove you are inlove.
His job and the distance are both EXCUSES. I am not saying that he is playing you. Maybe he really is only dating you. But what I am saying is his interest in this relationship is mediocre at best.
And just a question...if you are the type of person who is all or nothing, why did you agree to this arrangement where "going out properly would be a bad idea"? If you really are "all or nothing" you shouldn't have agreed to that. You should have said "hey, its all or nothing." Period.
Look if he is not making an effort, I would just let it go. I know its a tough reality to face, but I don't think his heart is all into this. Like I said, the distance and the job thing are just excuses. You could try talking to him and bring up the relationship thing but based on the fact that he has given you so little, I wouldn't even bother bringing it up. You should want to be with someone who doesn't make excuses and who effortlessly always wants to be with you no matter what.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (17 June 2008):
 I don't know, it feels like an 'all or nothing' attitude too early in a relationship could end up spoiling it. It's only been 4 months and you two don't see each other that often. It's a bit early to be asking for a commitment just yet, I think. You may end up driving him away, just because he's moving a slower pace than you are.
If he's about your age, his career will be very important to him and getting a good start at it might require long hours and lots of energy on his part, depending on what he's chosen to do.
My advice would be to give the relationship some time to develop naturally without any ultimatums just yet. Say six months at least. If things are progressing, you'll know soon enough without having to come right out with a demanding question.
Your timing could be very different than his, so please don't take that personally. It's not your fault, it's not his fault, it just is what it is.
Hope this helps a little and that you get some more answers today.
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A
female
reader, tammye17 +, writes (17 June 2008):
 ok....this is really hard...you really have to be honest with yoursef and think about the situation...how far does he live frfom you????is it a 4 hour drive to your house? i think that if he really had some feelings for you he would try a little harder, dont be his cake on the side avery 3 weeks if you know what i mean..u deserve a full time boyfriend...if thats what you are looking for..don't blind yourself...why every 3 weeks....for all you know this guy can be married or who know's....
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