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female
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anonymous
writes: I’ve written on here before. Just to recap - I am 30 and known this guy all his life. He is 22. Our parents are best friends. We started hanging out together at the start of the year and became very close. I have fancied him since we started to see each other, although I did not pursue anything because I knew he had just split up with his fiancee of 4 1/2 years and he is still quite clearly besotted with her. He always seems to get ultra attentive when he knows I have been out and he did it again this week when I went out. He always wants to know if it is with a male or female. He has been sending me lovely texts with tons of kisses. Anyway, he sent me a message at the beginning of the week which was very racy. A few hours later another one came in saying he hoped he hadn’t worried me with what he said. Then 15 minutes later yet another one saying sorry if he said something wrong. I hadn’t answered any of these because I was so busy but then he kept trying to ring me. Then, yet again another message came through saying ‘sorry if I have annoyed you or said something out of place please let me know. Last thing I want to do is upset you and annoy you’ with loads of kisses at the end.I replied to him to stop worrying and the following day he asked if it would be ok to have a kiss and cuddle. Again, I didn’t answer his text immediately and he sent another message saying he hadn’t heard from me in a while and was I ok. I have told him numerous times that I will only kiss men in a committed relationship and I told him this again which he was fine with.Anyway, Thursday night I went on a date (he doesn’t know this) and hoped to try and forget about him but I spent the whole evening thinking about him. He knew I had gone out (but not on a date) He became ultra attentive yesterday (Friday) because he knew I had been out and he started sending me messages saying I was sexy, asking how everything was going, saying he was missing me and wanted to see me. I have had no reason to doubt his feelings.Last night everything changed. He told me that he didn’t think that he and his ex-fiancee would be getting back together. I don’t even know how it happened but we ended up kissing and getting very turned on. I have told myself and him that I would not kiss him until he could commit to me and now I have let myself down by dropping my guard. I fear I just look like a liar and easy now (even though I have only had sex with one guy in my life!). I was enjoying it so much but then he lay back on the bed and started saying ‘i’m sorry, i’m sorry.....’. he said he didn’t know why his life had to be so complicated. (This is because his ex-fiancee keeps saying one minute she loves him and the next she doesn’t. None of his family or friends like her because she treats him so awfully. She uses sex to lure him back then says she doesn’t want to see him and wants her space. He just keeps running to her all the time). He then went on to talk about the fact that he was going to see his ex-fiancee this weekend to see once and for all what was going on as he was fed up of not being able to move on with his life. I think he is still hoping to get back with her. Anyway, he said that I must hate him. He said that he didn’t want this to affect our friendship. He said that he was brought up to be a gentleman and that he couldn’t go further when there was all this other stuff going on. I am so grateful that he stopped it before we had sex, but it worries me that I would have gone all the way.He then said he had to go and he gave me a big cuddle but I did not respond. He went out the door and kept looking at me like he didn’t want to leave but I just said goodbye and shut the door.Anyway, our Mums bumped into each other today (my Mum knows all that has gone on but she doesn’t think his Mum knows anything). His mum said to her that he was going to send me a text and that he was very busy with a big project. I know this to be true, but is this excuse not to see me?I would particularly appreciate as many opinions from men as possible, although any advice gratefully received. Can any of you guys give some insight into what is going on with him? His feelings seem genuine and yet I feel like I’ve been led on and used although I don’t believe that was his intention. He seems totally mixed-up. I wonder if he thought he would give it a go with me and then realised he couldn’t forget his ex. I don’t know how to respond now. I have thought about telling him I won’t see him again to make life easier for both of us but I know that saying and doing are two separate things. Mum has told me not to be too hasty in whatever I decide to do.
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male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (27 June 2006):
 Well I agree with your mum because there seems to be alot to untangle here. He does indeed seem very mixed-up and you do have to bear this in mind. Being attentive when you have been out to me is a sign of insecuirty but it could also be the conscious manifestation of surpressed feelings. Things manifest and bubble to the surface in odd ways.
He seems to be half-in half-out with his ex.Obviously she holds sway over him because of what they have shared in the past but in moving towards you he is moving on and starting to think about his future. It maybe be tempting to move away from him because it looks like the easier option *but* does he make you happy and is the happiness he can give you worth the risk?
From what you said about when you went on this date it sounds like you have maybe partially surpressed feelings of your own for this guy. Anyways, hope that helps. Take care.
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