A
female
age
51-59,
*ondangerous
writes:My best friend of 17 years and I started dating 1 1/2 years ago and he has lots of female friends but one really bothers me because he seems to tell her everything he even calls her when I am in the shower to tell her about a disagreement we have had he has gotten off the phone to talk to her because she was having a bad day and we dont live together he stays Oklahoma and I stay in Missouri we plan to move in together this summer but I am having second thoughts. What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): Can you imagine your Mum or Dad doing what he does? If my Mum had a male friend she would call when arguing with my Dad he would have gone crazy. She would have been angry too. I don't understand half of what we women put up with in these times. Strong relationships run smoothly because people are emotionally intelligent. Your bloke has gotten used to this lifelstyle and now you need to be the mainstay for him. What makes people close is relying on each other and having to address issues with each other. If it were me I would say that you are not sure you are ready to move in together. Tell him this is because his emotional intimacy with the other girl is preventing him from showing that he trusts you. He needs to show this by throwing away his props and other emotional parachutes; the other women he keeps in the side to make him feel good when you have a problem. He should grasp that he can't always feel good, but if there is a problem, neutralising it by salving his ego with someone who will rub it better for him, just isolates you. Does that help? This is free-fall time. Tell him you will move in when you feel this has stopped and that he is only talking to you about your relationship and putting it first. Whether or not you even want them in the picture is another question you need to ask yourself. Do they really matter? If they do you may have to compromise, but it will be hard. We are competitive creatures and that is a survival instinct so you have to really trust to be able to accept them. I would not, but my partner would not want to make me miserable and I know he would understand how I feel. He works in a very female environment and says he would like to ask one of his staff to dinner with her husband. That on the other hand, it totally fine. It is secrets with other women and you feeling excluded that makes it feel bad. Plus you instinctively know that he is leaning on them like props so maybe is not a very strong person himself.
A
female
reader, nailglitter18  +, writes (2 June 2008):
 I wouldn't worry about it too much. Remember, he chose you. Everyone needs a friend they can confide in. Being the "significant other" makes you privy to a whole slew of information, but still, everyone needs a best friend to talk to. Whether it's a girl or a guy, that shouldn't really matter.
Is it that you were his best friend before you two got together that bothers you so much? If that's the case, you might just want to go up to him, and say, "listen, we were good friends before we realized we wanted more from our relationship. I think that what we have is such a special thing. I know this sounds silly, but I can't help but be a little jealous of your female friend (insert name here)... I just need a little reassurance that we're O.K. I love you."
Reword it to fit your style, and the communication style between the two of you. Make sure he knows you love him and trust him, because that's important too! Remember, every conversation like this comes with a risk, but relationships can come out much stronger in the end because of it! :)
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A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (2 June 2008):
 Well, as the car dealers say, "You milage may vary"... but, as one of those guys that has many friends that are women, I can tell you it's not out of the ordinary. In fact, I'll extrapolate here and guess that you think of you BF as one of the rare breed of men that actually think more with the upper head than the lower one.
Granted, this can cause friction for an intimate relationship because that "other woman" might be perceived as a threat (it did for me). That said, I think that having second thoughts about proceeding with your summer move plans seems more like there might be another issue lurking in the shadows rather than this one individual as an impediment to your happiness... that's a guess... anyway, it seems to me that if you voiced your concerns to your boyfriend, you might be able to come to a conclusion about her. Also, have you ever met her? I mean, usually meeting somebody helps clear the air some.
Last thought: I am a typical libra guy. All that means in this instance is that I will flip things around and attempt to look at them from the other point of view. So, in this instance, do you have a very close male friend that you confide in? Have you thought about your BF's reaction to him? Have you considered giving up that friendship for the happiness of your developing/continuing relationship?
Best wishes for resolving this issue. I recommend having nice frank conversation between you and your BF.
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