A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm a very anxious person when it comes to relationships and I still haven't found a way to fix it.When I'm in a relationship, I get very worried about my boyfriend crushing on other girls or cheating or just breaking up with me. I think it's normal to be worried about your partner leaving to some extent, but sometimes I just can't stop thinking about it, even when my relationship is going good. One of my exes (a long time ago) told me he was falling in love with someone else, and then I found out from someone else that she slept over at his house in his bed with him. ANOTHER ex dumped me because he said he didn't have feelings for me anymore, then IMMEDIATELY asked another girl out (the day after dumping me), so obviously he liked her while he was with me. Those situations hurt me so badly that I'd rather just be single than have to deal with them. But now, I have a great boyfriend who I love a lot and who loves me. He has never hurt me and he's very honest and the sweetest guy I've ever been with. He is very good about talking stuff through without getting angry, so our problems are generally short-lived and we haven't actually fought. We're so open with each other that I find I've told him more things than I've told any of my past boyfriends. Both of our families love the other and we spend many nights a week at each other's houses; we are best friends and have way too many common interests lol.But even in a great relationship, I still keep myself awake sometimes thinking about "what if he has a crush on another girl" or "what if he's losing interest in me", even though he hasn't done or said anything to make me think that. I've talked to him about this and he makes me feel much better, but it still happens sometimes. During the beginning of our relationship, I told him straight-up that if he ever got a crush on another girl, I want him to either not tell me about it and let it die/fade, or to just break up with me so I don't have to go through it again. He said that he can't see that ever happening (I'm his first girlfriend so he might not realize how common it is), but agreed anyways. Many people say that crushing on other people while in a relationship is normal and inevitable, but even so, it hurts me so much that I'd rather not hear about it, or I'd rather just be single. When I say "crush", I don't mean finding someone else simply attractive, because I KNOW he finds others good-looking (I do as well) and that is okay with me (as long as he doesn't constantly tell me about it and make me miserable with it, which he never does). By "crush", I mean falling for someone else. Apart from my anxieties, everything is going remarkably well with him and I love him so much. I haven't really found a way to stop my anxieties. Do all couples fall for other people? How can I end my anxiety?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2014): I recommend that you give yourself more recovery time in-between broken relationships.
You're very young; so some of your anxiety and insecurity comes from the lack of experience and not understanding much about guys. You have to over-come your sense of possessiveness, and control your jealousy. Stop blaming everything on anxiety. Self-discipline is a sign of maturity. You can't let your feelings run unchecked and unregulated, and excuse yourself by claiming you have insecurities. If they are out of control, get professional help before you get into relationships. You're not ready.
If your anxiety is unmanageable and always gets the better of you, then you may need to seek counseling and therapy.
Insecurity kills relationships. If you're not mature enough to handle them, stop jumping into them so quickly. People have no responsibility to constantly reassure you. It is not fair that they give you their time and feelings, in exchange for your distrust and suspicion. What other people did to you in the past is on them. Not on the person you're with now.
It's not all about you. He's investing his time and feelings, and trusting you. It shouldn't be a one-way proposition.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (8 December 2014):
 Take dep breaths and remember the last time he said, "I love you" If you believed it, relive that moment then repeat. Relax. Life is too short to worry over things that might happen.
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