A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupidI am married to my current husband for 2 years and dated him 4 years prior. This is my second marriage and his firstMy first marriage was abusive marriage, so we divorced and my ex-husband still tried to reach out to me and want me back, yes you read that right, after 7 years of divorce, he wants me back. I don't want him back I lothe him.My current husband is becoming abusive, if I ask him why he is allowed to do stuff and not me, like he hates if I sit on couch and have food, but he does it or I need to leave the light on the corrider so he can get to bed (I can't sleep with light seeping in), but when I ask him to do so , he gets so mad that he broke the lamp and won't talk to me for few days after that. But I still need to make food and take to this office room and clean after him... These are only few samples. When I talk back, I am arguing or taking out work frustration on him but when he yells at me, he expects me just to take it and then leave him alone.I do not even know why I am still staying, my parents are too old and they want me to settle in life and I don't want to tell them my current marriage is also failure.I think I'm the problem here, somehow I am bringing out worst in both current and ex husband. My ex bf of 5 years was too abusive and he stole a lot of money from me.I do not know what I am doing wrong for getting abuse after abuse. Note - none of the men in my life hit me, it's always mental abuse.How can I change this pattern. Pls help
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (4 June 2021):
 I doubt your husbands magically turned into abusers after marriage to you. That leaves two possible scenarios:
1. There were warning signs of abuse before you married each one but you chose to ignore them and get married regardless, or
2. You didn't know them properly before you married. It's possible you rushed into marriage after short courtships during which they managed to hide their true personalities. Anyone can pretend to be something they are not for a short while but, eventually, the truth will always surface.
If the first scenario sounds right, then you need to start trusting your gut instinct and dump guys who you feel are not right for you. If it's the second one, then you need to take a lot longer deciding whether you want to marry someone. Court them for a long time to give their true personalities time to surface. Don't ignore red flags. If in doubt, walk away.
As for your parents, they want you to be happy, not to stay in a relationship where you are being abused. Take what experience you have gained from your two marriages and use it to make better choices going forward.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2021): Are you an independent, grown-up person?
Do you or can you take care of yourself financially and otherwise?
If the answer is yes, then go to the next paragraph, if the answer is no: find out why you depend on others, like your husband, and do whatever it takes to be an independent grown-up. Unless you can take care of yourself you will always have to take the crap from people who take care of you. It's as simple as that. They'll think they own you. I'm not saying they're right, I'm saying it's just the way (some) people are. You need to be emotionally and financially independant.
If your answer was yes - you are an independent grown-u who can take care of yourself, then you need to do just that. Take care of yourself.
There is a reason why you chose abusive individuals and then you go on to take that abuse and sometimes even exacerbate it by being the victim. You don't want to be one? Don't be. Be responsible for your life and actions. Don't be rude to anyone but don't take crap from anyone either.
If you live in a free society, then who you pick as a partner is your choice. And you can always change it. Ask yourself what terrifies you. Being alone? Facing the world on your own? Do you have self-worth issues? Do you think that you are not worthy of someone better? etc. All of THIS could be why you chose and STAY with abusive men.
They were always like that. They only turned up the volume on their crap because in their experience, you tolerate it! So why wouldn't they? However, make no mistake, when you stop playing this role, they will also turn up a notch their BS in an attempt to bring you back to your "senses". That's blackmail.
You pick these men and then you tolerate them. Some women wouldn't. These men would never pick women who don't tolerate their abuse.
Try therapy to understand why and how to stop doing that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2021): Far too many men have grown up believing it is 'manly' to be abusive to their own particular woman in their life.You can't blame yourself for this, you can only blame society for making him like this.Or better still, blame him, because it is his choice to behave like this.Women are frequently taught to be the blame takers.Men who have violently physically abused women have been known to cry out: 'Look what you have made me do!'This is clearly an example of a man avoiding his own decision to loose control.Not to mention men who believe a woman should be ' put in her place. These men get together sometime and moan about 'bitches' in an attempt to feel more manly. And these are often the men left on the discard pile, the newly single etc.So these are men you are likely to meet.The difference between you and anyone else is where your cut off point is.How much more can you put up with?Because it is a reflection of their sense of identity you will never change this sort of person.It doesn't matter that your first relationship didn't work.It just matters how you are being treated now and by deciding that you will not tolerate abusive behaviour you see a solicitor and get yourself a divorce on the grounds of unreasonable and abusive behaviour.
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