A
male
age
36-40,
*mootnezz
writes:my story is too lenthy but i i beg u to be patient and read. and i will be happy if there was a psychologist here who can help. i can't aford one.here's the story:I AM ALWAYS ANGRY AND UNHAPPY. PLEASE HELP ME.Dear Mirror Psychologist,I am a 24 year University student. I am brilliant guy and I am excellent in so many things I cannot mention. As matter of fact, I get the impression most of the time that some of my friends wish they were like me from the way they talk about me. But for the past two years, I realize I am unhappy most of the time and easily be become angry especially towards ladies. I think these are the reasons why, though I am too sure:I am short guy (about 5ft or so). But I think I am good looking all the same. At least some people say so. I have always been a lively person, with a good sense of humor, incredible talent in many things including radio broadcasting, added to my natural intelligence. So I have always had friends around me, male and female. But then, I also had quite a bad temper especially towards people who called me names because of my height. But I never used to get so depressed because of it.However, I later got into a love relationship with a girl, who after just a few months left me for another guy. Nothing went wrong between us. I guess she just got tired of me. But instead of telling me she was no longer interested in me, she instead started ignoring me without reason. Anytime I met her and tried and talk about it, she would walk away, embarrassing me in public. Finally she decided one day, to make things clear to me. So she came with her new boyfriend to a place she knew I would definitely pass on my way home from work and when they saw me coming, they started kissing. I got so heart-broken. But I soon recovered and was moving on with my life. (This is also characteristic of me. I don’t stay down too long after major setbacks). Even though I started minding my own business, this lady started contacting me and demanding that I return every gift she gave me. Meanwhile I gave her numerous things which I never even remembered when she left me. Eventually, we all moved on with our lives.Prior to that relationship, I had been into two others which ended almost in the same manner. And after it, another two went badly. In all these cases, I never did anything wrong to the ladies. But I suffered the disappointments.Naturally, I always talked to my friends about all these ladies. But they all seemed to be thinking that it is in the nature of ladies to behave in such manners, when in actual fact, they were not having break-ups in their own relationships. I began to find out on my own, what was wrong with me and somehow, I began to feel that it was because of my height (every lady seems to like a taller guy better). This was the beginning of a decline in my self esteem. I increasingly began to worry a lot about my stature but always ended up consoling myself with the fact that I had no power to change it, only to start worrying again the following day. Please note that, all this happened before I went to college. I stayed at home for close to four years after high school before I continued my education because of things I cannot discuss here.At college, I began to worry more about my height and almost stay away from all social activities that involve mingling a lot with women. I mind my own business most of the time and devote my time to my books. But I made a lot male friends and a few female friends. The male friends loved me for my sense humor, intelligence and the other things. But the female friends cannot understand me because even when I am with them, I am distant and seem shy. On a good day, I make them laugh but I don’t involve myself a lot in their business. A few of them have complained to my close friends that they find it difficult to approach me anytime they want to. But I feel powerless to get closer to them because I feel I won’t be appreciated. And it’s all because I am short. I have become afraid of rejection and the thought of being rejected by a lady scares me. Over these years, I have developed a mechanism that keeps me away from ladies.I have become afraid of them. And I am always unhappy about this.After taking a psychological course online to help boost my happiness, I tried to make an advance towards a lady I have been very close with, who has been showing signs that suggest she may like to date me. I learnt from the course that, being afraid of a problem will not solve it. I had kept my distance from this lady for a whole year, even though she had been visiting me and we do her school assignments together. But friends who know us kept telling me to make a love proposal to her because they felt she was showing clear signs that she was interested I me. I did not want to try it and get rejected but she did something that made me to: One day she came to visit me and had taken the time to buy me a lot of provisions for my upkeep. It was the first time I ever got a gesture like that from lady. After this, she started to shyly run away anytime we met in school. So I felt I had to make a move. After such a long time of having not made such a proposal to a woman, I did not have the courage to tell her face to face so I decided to start by sending her txt message to tell her about my feelings for her. Strangely enough, her behavior towards me has changed completely after I sent her the txt. She avoids me and always tries to prevent me from bringing up the issue of the txt by quickly talking about other things. I sent her several other messages asking her to let us meet and talk. But she never responded. When I finally asked her if indeed, she ever read my messages, she said she had read them but just decided not to respond. She did not seem to care that she could be hurting my feelings with the way she was responding to my question. I have since become angry at myself and wish I had not made any move at all at her. I have began to develop the mentality that, if I cannot get a gf now, any one that I get in the future is likely to be dating me perhaps because I have a job and can provide her needs and not for who I am. And I am beginning to consider staying away from women completely.To top it all up, I get depressed and cannot sleep well at night anytime somebody talks about my being short. Sometimes, I verbally attack such people in such a way that, I get embarrassed upon realizing that the person was just joking and meant no harm. In fact, even when they are talking about another short person and I happen to overhear it; it aches me a lot in the heart. 90% of the time everyday, I am thinking about my height and can’t find a way to deal with it. Why can’t I accept that I am a great guy as a lot people seem to think? I have talked to friends online about it and all them think I am making a mountain out of molehill with my situation. But I have never spoken to anyone personally about it. In fact, I always pretend not to be worried about it. But I am.Please help me.
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (26 October 2011):
 I wish to help but I should tell you first, I am not a professional psychologist though I did study the subject for quite some time.
Obviously your misery stems from your insecurities, mainly about your height. It doesn't help that you also fear rejection. Everyone fears rejection, the trick is not to dwell on it too much. If you want to ask a woman out on a date, just ask. From what you have written, it seems as though you are someone who dwells on his fears a lot. Am I right? You will often find that thoughts regarding your insecurities and sadness will usually serve to hinder you instead of help you. You are trying too hard to analyze what you are doing wrong, you are analyzing everything that happens and coming to conclusions that seem very black and white.
You clearly have greater qualities, what you think you lack in height you makeup for in a multitude of ways. Height isn't as significant as one would think. Its about personality, presence and quality. Stop thinking about what went wrong and start thinking about what can go right next time you fancy a girl and decide to ask her out on a date.
I hope that helps.
A
male
reader, oneguy  +, writes (26 October 2011):
 Hi,
As you already know, your negativity is because of you thinking that people avoid/shun you because of your height.
Have you ever asked the women you have been with, whether this was the reason? Do you see that in your assumption, you may have missed the true reason, and also, because you have let anger come into play, you are losing a chance to find out the real reasons why they left you?
To me, it seems like you have willingly lost your greatest strength - your confidence - in order to hide some other weakness from yourself. I may be wrong, but if you are telling me that you lost your confidence just because you think some girl/girls left you because they thought you were short, it means you never had true confidence. You were just a normal person, no more, no less. And that is good enough. True confidence shows when people are challenged. At the lowest times, true confidence is what shows when people *know* that they are worth it, and are really good.
So, if you think you were confident before, then I say, you still are now and will be in future.
If you are bewildered as to why you are getting angry now, it is because you seek approval to massage your ego. Ego needs approval to feel satiated. Confidence needs none. Please realise the difference and cultivate confidence and discard ego.
How does one increase confidence? If outside factors boost ego, factors within boost confidence. Your confidence is boosted each time you set a goal for yourself and achieve it through dedication and focus. Start with small tasks and achieve them.
For some time, focus on building your core strengths. Focus on your body. My karate instructor is 4'8'' tall and is 60 years old. He is ranked second in the SKA. We shiver if we have to fight Him in ju kumite. Height is no factor at all. BTW, his wife is 16 years younger to him, very beautiful, kind, extremely talented and not to mention, 5'7'' tall :)
Focus on your scholastic achievements. Learn new subjects always. Keep learning.
Focus on your monetary standing. Earn money the noble way, multiply your resources. Do not depend on anyone to do so, but do cultivate friendships and networks.
You will be happy. It is the destiny of every human to be happy. I read a saying a short while ago. "As you walk along through life brother...whatever be your goal....keep your eye upon doughnut....and not upon the hole!"
All the best friend. Don't worry about girls or others. Introspect. When you are afraid, don't take a step back - take two forward instead, even if you think that doing so will kill you. The thrill of being brave is what we should live for - and not just die for :)
Regards,
OneGuy
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