A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been following a recent post here titled 'Annoyed with his manipulative ex'. I'm in a similar situation.To give a little back ground. My current boyfriend was in a relationship with his ex for about 3 years. He says that even from the start of their relationship, they argued day and night. Said awful hateful things to each other. Somehow, even through all that, they continued to fight for their relationship. Then my boyfriend got into a big accident which handicapped him for almost a year. During that year, his ex was there helping with his daily needs. He is very appreciative and still gets quite emotional when the thinks or talks about everything she's done for him. He said he promised himself and her that no matter what, he will always be there for her. They broke up a year ago and he has been with me for about 10 months. They still kept in contact for a few months after the break up. Then she was with another guy and cut contact with my boyfriend for about 6 months. Last month, she started to contact him again. She'd call a couple times a week wanting to chat - about why their relationship didn't work, was it her fault, chat about family, friends, etc. The she called and told him her grandmother passed away when he wasn't even close to the grandmother. He felt bad for her and wanted to go see her, but I said I wasn't comfortable with that, so we decided to send her a card with some money. He explained to me that although he respected my wish to not see her, he felt bad and guilty that he wasn't able to be there for her because he remembers how she was there for him.I don't totally agree that you must cut contact with exes. I believe at a point, maybe after being apart for a few years, you CAN be friends. Does it really mean that all guys who want to care and be there for their exes have a hidden agenda and want to get back together with them?Is my boyfriend the same? Does he also want to get back with his ex but is just using 'he cares' as an excuse?Why does the majority of people believe that once broken up, that ex has to be completely out of our lives?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your feedback and advice!
I do believe that we can be friends with exes, however, only after we've taken the time to heal and move onward.
Because I am with him now, him and I are one. Every single person in his life that went above and beyond for him, I will too, be forever grateful to, whether it be his ex, his buddy, his aunt. Him and I will forever remember how good they were to him and we will be there for them whenever they need. He feels the same to those who has treated me well too.
The reason why I don't feel comfortable with him meeting up with her is because they dated for 3 years, been through so much and I know it will take some time for him to heal. I remember how difficult it was for him to tell me where they liked to eat most, a simple fact, he couldn't even share with me. Until today when he is beginning to open up and talk about places they used to hang out at or things they did. Because I've witnessed this in the past year, I feel that he is not ready to come face to face with her. This is where I'm insecure. I know they can be friends, I know we can all be friends, but not when he is still trying to let go of the past with her.
I asked him to consider not seeing her for the next four months. Because the upcoming months will be their anniversary, their breakup, and then her birthday. He agreed.
I underdtand everyone comes with history. At the moment I just feel everything is still so fresh that best to let it cool down more.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2014): I read your last post too. I think you have a very mature and open minded way of viewing past relationships. And I think that's great and it seems like he really appreciates it and respects that in you. I take from what you are saying that you agree in being friendly with an ex but feel his contact with her is crossing the line of just friendly. If this is how you feel, I don't really understand why you go to such measures to justify his relationship with her (he was injured, she was there for him, so naturally they have a bond) when, in fact, you feel very insecure about his contact with her.When my boyfriend and I moved in together he told me his ex had contacted him out of the blue via email just to say hi. He made me feel comfortable with it and like you I thought it was harmless. Just a couple of months later he told me she contacted him again. So I started asking questions. How often do you two talk? As I was under the impression this was a once a year type of thing, in which case I wouldn't mind. He claimed it was sporadic and it was innocent. I asked if he had mentioned me to her. He said no. So, one day he left his email open and I looked at these emails. Oh boy! This was not sporadic or innocent at all. This year alone these two had been emailing back and forth over 15 times. She would send him cute pictures of herself and pry about his love life. And same thing as with your boyfriend, he was her emotional crutch. I was livid. I told him this would not fly with me. I told him to email her back tell her about his relationship with me and end this quasi email affair once and for all. He did. He politely told her that he was in a relationship and it was inappropriate to continue their communication. And we've never heard from her again (as far as I know...lol). But seriously, I could care less what happened between them before I was in the picture. I'm here now. I'm the one who is going to nurse him back to health when he's injured, who stands by his side through thick and thin. Who cooks him dinner. Shows him love. He's on my time, not her's. So I will not accept him allowing some woman from his past to put doubt in my mind and cheapen the integrity of my relationship. If he wanted to be with me, he would never again allow that. Speak up! You want to be the good guy, but at the cost of lying to yourself. You are not comfortable with this, and you have every right to feel the way you do. What are you scared of? If he says he won't respect your feelings, then you didn't want him anyway! You don't want a guy who still likes his ex. Stand your ground.
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (18 December 2014):
I think that in this case, your bf wanting to be there for his ex is due to his feeling extreme gratitude towards her for being there for him. She went above and beyond the call of a normal girlfriend in taking care of him. Sometimes even spouses can't even handle taking care of the other when illness happens, despite making the vow to be there in sickness and health. So he really feels indebted to her and wants to be there for her in return.
I don't believe that exes have to be out of your life. I have one ex that became friends and one I don't talk to. And you can care about an ex that is a friend. The thing to watch for is if they care about the ex more than they would other friends. If they answer calls day and night when they would tell other friends that they are busy. Or go out of their way to help the ex while telling other friends to fend for themselves. It is easier to be friends with an ex when everyone is a relationship. Then there is a lot less wondering if one or the other has some hidden agenda to contacting the other.
In your case, he probably would seem to go above and beyond for her compared to others. But it is understandable. She was there for him for a long time when he needed her. So he wants to find some way to equalize things by being there for her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2014): Personally we cut all contact with our exes to focus all our energy on this relationship. There's never any doubts about whether we've moved in or not. There's no reminder that we too can be replaced like the ex was replaced. There's no blurred lines about where to draw the friendship boundaries. Our relationship is amazing. For us, It's not worth holding on to a person who potentially adds bad energy to a relationship. That ex will find their own partner and another friend. I have nothing against people who choose to stay in touch with exes. But I do wonder whether that's part of how marriages are now losing sanctity and divorce rates are high. My parents have always been thoroughly engrossed with each other their whole lives. They literally don't have room for exes and they are happy. That's what I personally strive for.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (18 December 2014):
 I don't think he wants to get back with her, but he needs to realise that he's in a relationship with you now. That means he can't be there for her anymore and she needs to find someone else to lean on, or become more self-reliant.
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