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age
36-40,
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writes: Holiday help! I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 5 years. Everytime around the holidays, especially my birthday and Christmas he gets in a 'mood' like he's so unhappy in his life and then it ruins my days. I hope I don't come off selfish here, but I need opinions. I always have been a giving person and love seeing people happy during the holidays. I love to get my boyfriend things he likes that he wouldn't purchase himself. However, the generosity is never extended my way. For his daughter, he will go all out on birthday and Christmas without hesitation. He never has gotten or thought of doing anything for my birthday and when Christmas comes it's always a let down. Last year he felt bad so got me a Groupon for se cheap hair salon a week after Christmas. This year I expressed my want for Beats by Dr. Dre and hinted if we were exchanging gifts I would love a pink pair. Well, he's been complaining about the cost of the pink and he can't find a 'good deal' on the pink ones. Said he was just going to get me red because they were cheaper by $10. Really! I was just like, a. I wanted to be surprised at Christmas and b. If it's this much of a hassle forget about it. Am I selfish and a c**t because I asked for a specific color of a gift? That is what he told me.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 December 2014):
 So he JOKES around the fact that he almost slapped you and then add that it's all your fault?
Do you see what's really going on here?
And I agree with Auntie Bim, he doesn't seem to be in it for the "love" but because YOU accept his behavior.
Do you know why he isn't with the mother of his child any more? Was there abuse?
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (21 December 2014):
 Are you going to accept that? I would still purchase them myself and on top of that just give him a cheap voucher for something.
I'd still be asking if he really wants a relationship with you, to be with you and make you happy or if he is just with you because its convenient.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your kind words and suggestions. Here's an update. The night if this incident I told him to just forget about the whole gift exchange as it was apparent it was too much of a hassle and that I would just purchase them myself. This is when I was called the expletive and almost slapped in the face. I get a text message the next day saying he was just joking and I shouldn't have started such an argument over such a small thing. Story of our relationship though-- he twists things around to never be at fault.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2014): I want to give you a hug.
You aren't selfish, you sound like someone who puts a lot of thought into your gift giving and the problem is when it is not returned.
I have the same problem, have had for years.
I have had to accept that my husband just isn't that thoughtful a person when it comes to gift giving, usually now I just buy my own gifts from our boys at christmas. It's not the nicest feeling in the world but I try to remember that he does show love for me/our family in other ways.
Xxx
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 December 2014):
Do you two have a limit (cost price) for gifts? If not, I suggest you start there (for next time).
Do I think you are a selfish C for wanting a specific color and gift? No. I do think it's a good idea to give a person more then ONE thing to choose between, otherwise where IS the surprise? But for him to BITCH about $10 so you can GET the ones you REALLY want? I think that is rather ridiculous, but on the other hand these are $300 headphones. (and not knowing of you two have a limit, I think that is steep but for many people $300 is doable)
Like Auntie BimBim mentioned I would have a chat with him and express HOW you feel. My guess is that you in the PAST have let things slide, because you didn't WANT to seem ungrateful. Women TEND to do that. And then SET a $ limit for gifts. You say you, yourself like to spoil him - that i makes you happy to buy him things he wouldn't get for himself. But I think you ALSO expect the same in return. He might NOT be that kind of guy.
And I would have a SERIOUS chat about him calling you a cunt. THAT is not OK. I'm sorry if my husband EVER called me a cunt, he would have a serious problem.
And my guess is he is MAKING all this fuss to get the reaction *Oh just get me the red ones* or *Oh don't get me anything then* so he doesn't HAVE to buy you something.
My husband is/was a BAD gift giver (seriously) until I made a Wishlist with Amazon (I shop a lot online) so now he has ACCESS to my wish list and can EASILY pick something out in the price range he feels comfortable with and something I WILL like and use.
Consider reading 5 Languages of Love. Could be you two are on different pages/languages and by reading it maybe it will be easier to understand each other's motivation?
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (18 December 2014):
Wow! He really loves the season and the whole gift exchanging with the people you love thing doesn't he.
I think I would be tempted to tell him if it was that much of a hassle to stick 'em, right where they fit best.
I don't think you are selfish ........ however it seems that you both want different things to happen for birthdays and Christmas ..... I am guessing the ten bucks for pink rather than red wont see him going hungry for a day.
Once this silly season is over you need to sit him down and have a face to face, eyeball to eyeball, conversation.
Tell him how you feel about buying gifts and that you try to choose a gift that the recipient will really love. Tell him how your gifts are chosen with love and forethought because you want the gift to express how you feel about the person.
Tell him how let down you feel when he doesn't bother buying you a present and gets you a cheap coupon AFTER Christmas. Ask him what sort of message he is sending whn he does that.
Ask him if getting you a gift you really want, and the colour you really want is such an ordeal. Get a conversation going, let him know how undervalued you felt because he wanted to get you red Beats when you really wanted pink ...... is he saying your wishes and wants dont matter?
Try and remain calm, try to get him talking, try not to be confronting.
If no honest dialogue happens I'd seriously consider if he really wants to be with you and make you happy or if he is just with you for the convenience. I hope its the former.
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