A
female
age
36-40,
*heila2310
writes:Dear Cupid,I have been in a relationship with the same guy for a little over 5 years, we used to have sex all of the time but over the last two years I have lost interest in having sex with him. I'm not sure what to do about it, I know it's causing a lot of strain in our relationship. And to some extent I think it's my fault because I think I'm not attracted to him anymore. Sometimes I want to break up with him, but we live together and I'm a student with no income. We also have all the same friends and they all think we are the "perfect couple". To put things in perspective he has been very loyal and kind and supportive of me both financially and emotionally, but there are things about him that really make me uncomfortable and annoyed. For example three years ago he bought me a ring (it was not fancy at all and I'm not complaining)and he told me that it was an engagement ring, but he still wont talk about the wedding, and he occasionally makes fun of marriage. He told his co-workers about the engagement and they all congratulated me asked me when we we're going to get married, but I couldn't answer and I was afraid to say anything that would hurt him at his job. And I made the mistake of telling some family members who also ask about it all the time. It's really hurtful and embarrassing because it's the second time I had experienced something like this. As if that's not enough he has a substance abuse problem and although he's improved since we've been together I've caught him taking stuff he shouldn't recently. It worries me because I'm not really into that lifestyle and also I am studying medicine so I'm afraid it could hurt me in the future. It's so confusing because I care about him, and I really cherish our friendship but sometimes I think I don't want to be his girlfriend anymore. There are times I just wish I was single again so badly but I'm terrified of being alone and I'm afraid I'll loose my friends. I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to him about our problems but he gets really defensive and condescending towards me and the fights get really emotional and draining. Lately he's been trying to be better and I'm trying to get along with him, but our sex life hasn't improved. To top it off I think I have a crush on someone else (who doesn't know it) but it's been causing a lot of heartache for me. Please help me!I know you are probably really swamped with letters but please answer I need your help.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (7 September 2010):
 Dear, this all happened to me around 23, I was scared shitless didn't know if I could break it off, kept being in denial over it for about a year then, it all blew up in my face...You get a plan, walk away with your head held high and lesson learned. Like I said the doubts are there for a reason, find it in yourself to get out. It will take a little time to get there but it is possible.
A
female
reader, Sheila2310 +, writes (6 September 2010):
Sheila2310 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's true. I've been considering getting a part time job and moving into the dorms because my family lives in another state. Some days I really want to move on, but I don't want to throw away 5 years! I've also been stressing out because I have a crush on someone else but I don't think he probably even remembers me. This is so scary to think about.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (4 September 2010):
My apologies I misread that part. What concerns me most is the lack of proposal and not telling everyone you're engaged. Honey when you get engaged even your man wants to tell the whole world!! Even though guys try to get out of planning the wedding they still have to help you set a date, pick their side of the wedding party, and give you their part of the guest list. That's why I think it's more or less a promise ring. It's understandable that you don't want to throw away the 5 years or don't even know where to get out. But your heart isn't 100% into this relationship anymore and it will eventually end. I should know because I was in a similar boat..Engaged, posessive controlling guy, 4 years invested, student, working a part time job, had other feelings for guys and lack there of a sex life. The thing is I waited to get out, and it was a nastier break up than I anticipated. First you have to want to get out, then you make a plan...You're a student, you can get a part time job and start setting back a little $ to move out, or you can pack up and move back in with your parents(I had to do that) then seek a part time job, and after you break up you really find out who your true friends are then. Some will side with him, others will side with you, or a few will stay neutral..You're perfectly capable of doing it, you just have to remember what it's like to be independent again!
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A
female
reader, Sheila2310 +, writes (3 September 2010):
Sheila2310 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your replies, I didn't see them until today. I guess what also makes this extra difficult for me is that I really care about my boyfriend and he is a really good person in so many ways. And he doesn't steal but yes he does abuse substances. To clarify, no I'm not embarrassed about not getting married it's just that I feel taken advantage of that he gave me the ring but doesn't really want to commit other than the fact that we live together & don't see other people. Also like I said, there are definitely times I want to break it off but I am really scared of being on my own again. And I don't even know how to get out of this relationship. I recently talked to him about some things and stuff is a little better but I know it will eventually go back to the same things again.
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A
female
reader, misfitschik66  +, writes (30 August 2010):
 If you brake up with your boyfriend and your friends stop being friends with you.. they are not true friends to begin with and you are wasting your time trying to be there friends
If you are not happy in the relationship which you have repeatedly said you are not..leave
you deserve better than to be emotionally abused like you are being by this selfish man
and that's exactly what he is..selfish
find a man that will be proud to show you off as there fiance ( when they do propose)
It will just get worse if you keep letting this happen in your relationship
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (30 August 2010):
 Friends who take sides are not really your friends. I myself feel that my parents and my brother are the best people to talk with. You have to stop thinking that not being able to get married is an embarrassment. He wanted people to feel his pride of being successful proposing to you, while he doesn't want the real committment and the compromise a relationship requires. If anything, people rush into marriage because it's about time, because that's what everybody does. 10 years later you would be thankful you weren't married to him.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (30 August 2010):
You're better off ending this relationship and being friends. A student with no income, get a job and move back home for now. Being dependent on a boyfriend is a big mistake. After 5 years it sounds like it's more than the sex, it's his substance abuse, his stealing, and giving you really a promise ring are all the problems here. Frankly, I don't blame you if there is no sign of serious commitment and his drug problems I would want to jet too. There's no attraction, lack of passion, and not to mention all the other problems so why can't you leave? It's better to caught it off now, otherwise it will be worse later.
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