A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:When i say addictive i mean addicted to HIM! We had been together on and off for two years, and the relationship that we had was far from a healthy loving stable relationship. Although there were very good moments in the relationship the bad definitely outweighed the good. I wont go into too much detail about what he has done to me but he had cheated on a number of occasions, lied to me about other women god knows how many times, i discovered he had a secret phone which he refused to let me see. I even found out that at one point when i tuned up at his house there was another women there who had to jump out the window when i knocked on the door. But some how he always made me believe that it was my fault, that is was something that i had done to cause him to cheat on me or lie to me. For example on one occasion we had broken up and i was introduced to a lovely young man and decided to go on a date with him. Only to end up at the 'exs' house after the date and told him what i had just done. He used this as an excuse for his actions continuously, saying that this kind of thing is what encourages him to do what he does. Everything that had done was always down played like he has done nothing wrong. Even now writing this, i can see what a complete looser he is and i honestly know that he will never change and i am better off without him but when he turns up unexpectedly at my house or i end up giving in to his persistent phone calls he always makes me believe otherwise! And its always the same crap, I love you, i promise i'm going to change, i want to be a good man to you yada yada yada! But in that moment i always start to believe him just like i do when i catch him out with something and i end up believing his excuses! I know i must have some serious self esteem issues but i just cant understand why he has this effect on me so much? I feel like he is my addiction and i just cant break this cycle! I know i deserve better and i know i will eventually met someone better so i don't understand why i feel so much of an attachment to him? Its like i am fixated on the thought of what we could possibly be rather than what the actual facts are. I want to break free from him so badly and move on with my life but i just cant seem to do it.I would consider myself an attractive women who has alot going for herself (good job, own house also have a small business)and i meet men all the time but nothing and no one seems to compare to the high that he gives me. I just don't understand why i am feeling this? Is it love or purely an addiction? How do i break free from this self destructive behavior?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2014): You are unfortunately a drama-queen. You thrive on being abused and manipulated by this guy. You know better, and go back for more of it.
Then whine and complain about how terrible it feels. You live in your very own soap opera, and your life is a romance novel. You are the horribly treated heroine in the story, who is trashed by her scumbag of a lover. I'm making a point here, so humor me.
In everyone's life, sooner or later we meet this one person that we allow to get away with just about anything. We don't know why. They just know how to push our buttons; and they can just about convince us that pigs can fly, and Madonna can act.
Madonna, I love you. Please don't send me hate tweets!
You are used to his behavior and developed a certain amount of immunity. You do feel terrible, but you actually believe this is how men behave. I'd say you've seen this behavior common in most of the men you've known since childhood.
That explains why you aren't shocked by his cheating. You almost expect it. It also takes a lot a pressure off you having to be a good girlfriend. He is the dirty dog, and you're a total victim. Thus, the reason I called you a drama queen. All your friends, sisters, neighbor ladies, and your mother tell you how awful he is, and advise you to leave him. They've given up on you. You just love the man!
Living under someone's foot will become a lousy place to be.
You figure putting up with this is easier than being lonely; and having to go through the process of finding someone else. He's familiar and predictable. What the hey?
You cringe at the thought of giving him up. He's your dope.
You are selling yourself short. You are telling him you don't deserve any better; and he has your blessing and permission to walk all over you. So he does.
He's going to bring home an STD, or he will find someone he likes better and dump you. That's how guys like him, treat women like you. You'll be psychologically damaged, and emotionally beat down when he's done with you. He'll get tired of you, and move on to another victim. He's a narcissist, and they prey on women like you.
Cold-Turkey is the best way to rid your system of his poison. Cutting him off completely and not responding to any means of contact. E-mails, text messages, Facebook,
WhatsApp, Instagram, Twitter. Delete and shut him down.
Stay with a friend or relative; and shut your phone off.
Download e-books about narcissism and addiction to people.
Read, read, and read some more. Look up an old book by Howard M. Halpern, PH.D. It is called " How To Break Your Addiction To A Person." It was published by Bantam Books.
I gave away my old copy to a friend who was suffering from the exact same problem. He is doing fine, and has been celibate for the last several months. By choice!
He's a really cool guy. Celibacy for him? Who'd have thunk? He and his ex were conjoined at the hip. His ex wasn't a cheat, but he is verbally abusive and hides his money.
He uses my friend's credit cards without permission, and he's secretive about things. He has a nasty temper. He can't take criticism; but constantly complains about everything.
They were together five years. A very temperamental relationship, but my friend just couldn't get out of it.
He put up with terrible things, like you are. He quit cold- turkey. Went on a long vacation. He goes to yoga, and plays a lot of basketball for exercise. They haven't spoken since they broke up. He was mess. Like I was when I got dumped.
We call and give each other support. We get together, and never speak of our exes. I mean never. That's how you do it.
Plot your strategy and make your move. Dump the A-hole!
Good luck!
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (14 January 2014):
It's because he treats you like crap so often that when there's a glimmer of hope that he "really does love you" or "really will change" it makes you feel so good.
You're being mentally abused in my opinion. Just do what you need to do and block/ignore him. Quit cold turkey.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2014): Maybe you enjoy the drama.
Feelings don't go away the minute you decide to leave.
They take time to dissipate. You just have to learn to be strong willed when you break up with him.
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