A
male
age
36-40,
*ilomoutsoune
writes:Hello, I'm 22 and from a Greek Orthodox Christian background. I'm still a virgin, not because it has been drummed into me that it is a sin to sleep around but because I choose to respect women and the fact that I only want to make love to a woman that I truly love. As of yet I have not met this woman....however recently I have met a girl that I think would be ideal for me, and I think she is quite into me. So I added her on Facebook etc. etc. but gained to realise from one of her associated groups that she liked "spooning" which says to me that she has had sex before. I don't know how to take this, and I kinda feel disappointed that she is not a virgin, because I didn't see her like that. I now feel that if we got together she would always have that stigma of being unpure considering that another man has been inside her. What should I do? Just forget this and take her for what she is and take it that most girls are like this, or not bother with her. I just feel that she would think that I am strange for being a virgin and stuff and I would be uncomfortable that she's been with other men. Hope you can help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2010): If you value your beliefs, and if she doesn't have any, then I think it's okay to let go. If the both you two do have same belief, then I think forgiveness can play a role here. Either way, I think forgiveness should play a role, but I don't think it's necessary to keep the relationship if you two don't have the same beliefs and value. Virginity is not the question, it's your beliefs that is being challenge and question here.
I'm a Christian myself, and I want to marry someone who's a Christian. Why? I want to stay faithful to God in the things I do or act, and statistically prove, women are prone to be follow their men then it is for men to women. I want to marry to someone who I am able to depend, follow and lead me.
But then again, talk to her about her history. Ask her about her morals and beliefs in dating, sex, and marriage. If they're not the same, then I think you should be careful. Sometimes they can discourage you and make you want to just forget about everything (beliefs, God, morals, etc).
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2010): I think that you should stick to your beliefs. It's the hard but honorable way. If you waste your virginity on this girl then what will you do if you meet the girl of your dreams later on? I know the feeling and i've been in your shoes. She wasn't a bad girl or anything. I just couldn't agree with her attitude about premarital sex. Trust me, the girls you're looking for exist but are quite rare. They wouldn't be special if they weren't rare!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2010):
The guy sounds like he wants to keep sex within marriage.
It's an understandable belief system. There is nothing inherently hypocritical or gender-biased or unforgiving about it.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (14 May 2010):
 Can I have that non-virgin in your stead?
With all due respect to your religion, I don't think there's anything wrong with her. I was a Catholic once and I know for a fact that your church and mine are very close in faith and practice. So I think it's fair to assume that the fact that she's no longer a virgin should not matter, from a strictly religious point of view. Maybe she sinned, but I'm sure she got her sins forgiven by now and is clean. Virginity is important from a social - not religious, mind you- point of view, and it is important for people who choose to think that the fact that a woman slept with someone before makes her any less pure. Sleeping with a woman does not make a man impure, by the way.
I could say you should be more forgiving but that would imply there is something to forgive, and there is nothing. And if she sinned, she didn't sin against you.
Don't worry about nonsense and be happy.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (14 May 2010):
 What do you mean, one of her 'associated groups'? And how did she reveal she likes 'spooning'? That sounds a bit strange.
I think the only way to find out if she is the girl for you is to spend time with her and have deep discussions about your philosophies of life, your values, your goals and your dreams. And facebook isn't going to do it for you.
How well do you really know her? Are you just friends on Facebook? It sounds to me as though you are trying to find pieces of the puzzle by gathering clues here and there, where the best source of your information would be the lady herself.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (14 May 2010):
 Vilo,
You have set yourself a standard, a line in the sand so to say. That is commendable. You also have the unusual good sense to know that sex is best shared in committed relationships.
I do think that you don't need to limit your self to only virgins. After all being a christian means you are willing to forgive. What you do need to find is someone who shares your values and beliefs. You need to know if she thinks that it is ok to have sex casually. If she does she is not for you. You would be foolish to miss a good relationship because she has made a mistake (and we don't know that she has).
You really need to talk to her about what she means by spooning. It could mean cuddling after sex. It could mean a sexual position. Or it could mean that she isn't going to say what sexual position she prefers because she doesn't have any experience, but she does like to be close and cuddle and hug. And that last one I think you could accept.
In the end virginity isn't the important question. The important question is do you both value the same things.
FA
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A
female
reader, missyd  +, writes (14 May 2010):
First you shouldn't think she's not a virgin anymore because of a facebook group. You know a lot friend sends request for almost everything, there are groups for everything sometimes crazy stuff.
She may have accepted it without even look at it. Plus spooning also means hugging.
Most of all talk with her. It's important if she cares about you and you care about her nothing should stop you from being together.
even if she's not a virgin anymore, or the fact that you are.
Have the talk, see how it goes, and if you can't you might wanna reconsider. you should be able to speak about virginity. Yours and maybe hers. If you don't feel comfortable with her enough to talk maybe she's not the one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2010): This problem is not about this woman.
This problem is about understanding yourself.
You need to reflect with honesty and understand why you have this high standard about chastity. Or if you really have this standard, or is it a rationalization you use to explain to yourself why you are "still virgin" (chaste).
Is it a real standard?
Or is your chastity now, in your own view a negative reflection upon your own selfworth?
Once you solve this understanding of yourself, you will be able to answer the question of "what should I do" yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2010): If virginity is all that you judge women by I feel sorry for you.If you think I don't know where you are coming from you are wrong.I am a catholic and was a virgin until marriage.I waited for the guy who said,"I care a damn about your past".He never asked me if I was a virgin or not before marriage.I think that's love.In my opinion she deserves much better than you.If you feel uncomfortable with i,that's your choice.She is not less of a woman or a human being for having a life before she met you.
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (14 May 2010):
 You said you want to lose it to someone you truly love, yes? Well after discovering she's not a virgin, you don't seem sure about your feelings for her. This is an answer in itself.
However, spooning doesn't necessarily mean sex. Plus not being a virgin does not make you pure. Most people have sex with several others before meeting their life partner. You have to respect other people's decisions. You're 22 so I'm guessing she's a similar age. Most people by that time have lost her virginity. But it doesn't have a reflection on her personality.
You need to figure out your feeligns for her. And if she's not a virgin, then if you really love her that shouldn't matter.
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