A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I was inclined to pose to my problem because I am not sure what to do. Well, like most who come here. Anyhow, I am a gay man.I am also socially inept. And recently, I joined this international social network (quite ironic with the former comment) but I was only looking for friends outside of the country. The outcome yielded some interesting people, and I also found a gay man from a distant country. I contacted him, and he contacted me back shortly after. However, after a plethora of messages exchanged back and forth between us; we found other methods of communicating, all suggested by him. Most recently we communicate through text messages throughout the entire day. And this is becoming a routine, and it is the closest to having him around with me. We are very alike, but again I am new to this. We have sort of a platonic relationship going on, but it's not even like he overtly gives me any signs of being interested as well. I have never met someone who I identified more with. Unfortunately, it seems the distance among other obstacles are enough for neither of the two of us to pursue more than this bond we already have. We have never spoken about visiting each others' countries, and it is probably because we both are a bit timid to do so. I am just so perplexed with this situation. And a part of me feels ashamed that I resorted to the internet to find someone to love (indirectly of course) but it happened. And now that I know somewhere out there I have a very good friend that I have started to develop feelings for. can't focus on my normal day without breaking my head as where to move from here? I would appreciate the advice from anyone, particularly people who have been in a similar situation. Any guidance will be greatly accepted. Hearty thanks are in order!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (22 October 2011):
 Hi,
I read your post and I really felt you are in a difficult situation. And please accept that while I am not gay, I truly felt that I want to reply to your post.
I learn lots from listening when I visit the all gay hairdressing salon where I get my hair cut. My hairdresser in particular has opened up my mind to so many things I knew nothing about. And I often read questions and answers from Gay people on dearcupid.org. So I will just try to to the best of my ability, if that is OK?
Being gay can impose some burdens, though thousands of people do live happily in committed respectful loving gay relationships. Despite the ill-informed views and prejudices of the unenlightened in the community.
It seems that your life lacks a strong network of social contacts. This would certainly make life tougher for you.
Joining an international social network is one solution, though not the only solution.
And it you feel more comfortable seeking out international friends then if that solutions seems the best at the moment then it is a good option.
As long as you do keep in mind that if you never meet and never see in person the international contact then the person may not be as they seem. And if you restrict yourself to too few contacts that you make yourself (potentially) more vulnerable to being exploited by the less than savory person. So to keep safe do be careful about how much you reveal about you and your situation.
If you lack enough social contacts in your life then your online buddy is probably someone you feel is very important in your life.
Our lives need balance though. without "all our eggs in the one basket."
It is important that you do work on ways to build your own self esteem and your own belief in you. It is most important that you always be kind to you.
Value you.
Support you.
And take actions that are always in your own best interests.
And get appropriate support for you at all times.
Can you consider expanding your range of social contacts by taking up some hobbies or activities that could expand your network of social contacts? Perhaps join or visit some of the Gay organisations in the community? Or choose to volunteer on a community program run with volunteers to benefit the community? or join a group where you can learn a new skill? Such as painting lessons and a group exhibiting their paintings?
or learn glass blowing (takes a lot of physical strength)
or join a gym or a swimming club near you?
Or purchase a bicyle and join a cycling club?
Your online contact may just enjoy talking to you as a person. Or may already be in a relationship. Or may not yet be ready to any more than an online buddy. Or he may be biding his time. It is good that you are wondering. He has been the one to suggest several things (the way you make contact), so perhaps he will suggest more eventually.
And if he is a very careful man then he may take quite some times before he suggests more. Just because that is not how he is, and it would seem is not how you are either. The two of you may well be very well matched or very similar in your outlooks. with neither wanting to initiate more. each waiting for the other to do so. Just to be sure.
Never be ashamed of meeting on line. Be proud and happy that you were able to make a connection that has brought you pleasure. it was clearly meant to be.
Have you thought of a meeting half way suggestion? Where you suggest a holiday destination. where you meet and share a holiday, each booking separate rooms, just in case it does not work as expected. But as a way to get to know each other in a neutral destination?
Try some very gentle subtle flirting in your posts and see how he reacts. You should know him well enough to try this. If it falls down flat then let it be until he send a similarly flirty post and then respond accordingly.
At the end of this post I have posted some links that may be helpful to you. The final two links may not be relevant at all, but those two links may benefit someone reading your answers.
Hope that is OK
Regards
Abella
Getting support - links
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/support-advice/5962-gay-support-helplines-etc.html
The LIKE ME Organization
"To provide support, resources and education to LGBT individuals, and their families and friends."
http://likeme.org/
www.Pflag.org - for families and friends to support gay people
Improving mind body and spirit
http://helpguide.org/topics/mind_body.htm
http://www.gaytravel.com/
Befrienders centers work to reduce suicide worldwide with 31,000 volunteers in almost 40 countries
http://www.befrienders.org/
USA American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
http://www.afsp.org/
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