A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i have been married for 12 years there has been nothing between my husband and i for about 2 years and I have been having an affair for the past 12 months with a man who is also in a relationship. Iam falling in love with my lover and think he has also i want to know if he feels the same without scaring him what should i do ?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2011): A 2007 post: wonder whether the OP is still in her marriage? Or affair ended? Or no change?
LoveGirl
A
female
reader, nosgirlnow  +, writes (18 November 2011):
Been there. I was in a sexless marriage. My husband either didn't want to have sex or when he did it was all about him and his 60 seconds of glory - no I'm not exagerating. I had an intense affair with a man that was in the same situation with his spouse. The affair produced the best sex either one of us had ever had. I'm just going to be honest and tell you that it doesn't take much for two people to fall in love. Great sex, sharing intimate details of your life away from the daily grind of life is a recipe for cupid and his arrow. Were not that complicated that way, really. I would talk to your lover about how you feel. Just be prepared for him to end the affair if he isn't willing to end his other relationship. He may also string you along. The best way to move forward for you is to know you're miserable enough in you're to end it. That should be your reason for leaving him. Have enough guts to realize that and divorce him with out the safety net of your lover's promise to be there for you. It may not happen, he may stay with his previous relationship and dump you. Can you live with that? Be your woman, you need to leave your husband on the merits that there was nothing left to save. You married him because you loved him at one time, make sure you have exhausted all avenues before calling it quits. It's the right thing to do. Remember you did share a vow with him and God as you entered into marriage with him. You don't want to carry a cavalier attitude towards commitment into the next relationship.
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A
male
reader, brokenheart75 +, writes (5 August 2009):
I would say don't leave your husband for another man but leave if you no longer love him.
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A
male
reader, NN2271 +, writes (28 June 2008):
I have experience with this firsthand and am going through it. I'm seeing a married woman and we are both in love with each other. I feel she should get a divorce for the following reasons (1) He has cheated on her numerous times. (2) This has caused her to have empty feelings for the last 5 years and is now no longer in love with him.(3)This has led her to me and she has fallen in love with another man. I think those factors alone constitute a reason for divorce. I think if any of these things are evident a divorce should happen regardless of who's waiting on the other side or circumstances.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): Hi Hun,
you should divorce your husband love and be honest, The other man in your life if he has still kept his partner on the go while he has been with you then he must be having sex with both of you, so his got his bread buttered and hunny your marraige may have been over along time, but I wouldnt jump from one mistake to another as this man of your may always cheat take care love mandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2007): You need to leave your husband alone, now. Move on, whether you are able to establish a relationship that is of the decent kind, open, honest and honourable with this other liar is irrelavent. How can you know if he really wants you and is not scared off if he knows that both of you are in relationships or partnerships which prevent what you two have in going further into a real relationship.
I have to ask why it is that people keep handing on to the one they say is not working, play with others to get what they want, then get all huffy about whether they are worthy of something real and caring, you know like marriage. Why can't people like you just go solo for a bit rather than shit in your own nests. Let your husband more on to finding a women who really does care about him. Start fresh and new alone, no man, if your lover really wants you then, when your available, he can do the same with his partner and your'll both be happy together until one of you cheats on the other and the cycle starts all over again.
My wish for those who betray and live a life of lies and betrayals is that you all end up on a deserted island together, all the cheaters and you all get sharfted left right and centre. That will leave all the good honorable folk to get on with our lives without the disasters people like you create for us.
If you want to be wanted loved and respected, be avaialble first and don't trash others lives. From a Kiwi! NZ is a small place and affairs always get uncovered.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2007): You need to decide whether you want to stay in your current marriage. You need to talk to your husband about your marriage situation in the first place, asking what he thinks. Depending on his reply, this should help you make your descision. 2 years is a long time for nothing to happen, and you possibly should've spoken to him before about this.I agree with Richard. One year of sex and finally starting to fall in love with them is extremeley slow in a relationship. It's also quite lucky.Before you get into a more painful situation, you need to end one or the other. You absoutley must talk to both parties; your lover and your husband as soon as possible. This will help a great deal.I know it's hard, but good luck.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (16 December 2007):
 Ok - I've read your post. I haven't read answers below. Two things strike me: (1) Falling after year of sex? That is very very very slow. (2) Known him a year but can't bring up a topic of discussion??
On those two points alone says something is wrong with this relationship aside from the fact its "extra marital."
Richard
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2007): I'll try to answer you in as practical a manner as I know how.
I think you'll already know that your marriage is completely ruined, and I doubt if any counselling will be able to put things right.
You may well have fallen in love with your lover but you only 'think' he's fallen in love with you. So you're not absolutely certain about that. You need to be quite sure about that particular point and the only way you're going to find out is to talk to your lover about it. Simply 'lay your cards on the table' and ask him if he feels the same way that you do. He may say he does, but be prepared for him to say one thing and mean another. Having an affair with someone is a whole different ball game to living with that person.
It's a fact that women find some difficulty avoiding falling in love where sex is involved. For a woman to embark on a relationship there usually has to be a lot of emotional attachment too. Men can generally compartmentalise a relationship, keeping emotional attachment and sex quite separate.
I assume that you're hoping the end result will be that you'll leave your husband, he'll leave his partner, the two of you will set up home together and live happily ever after. I'm not saying that it couldn't happen like that, but you need to be quite sure that he's not going to chicken out at the last minute, in which case you'd find yourself in a very awkward position.
As a test of his commitment, you might suggest to him that you set up a joint bank account - on a both signatures basis - to squirrel away some cash for a deposit on an apartment.
Phil
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (16 December 2007):
 I feel as the others do, there is more honor in ending the marriage before you commit to someone else first (although it's probably a moot point). You didn't say why you haven't gone into marriage counseling with your husband. If you have any feelings for your husband and are determined to through with this, don't string him along any further.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2007): I have to wonder why you're still married, honestly. Then again, that's not what you're asking about.
Tell him. There is really no way to prevent him from feeling scared-he ultimately has control of how he reacts and feels.
Plus, you should be honest in this type of situation...Hiding and further dishonesty is not going to help you...
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A
female
reader, Cyg79 +, writes (16 December 2007):
 Ok first thing first, you are married. Assuming that this marriage is not an open marriage you need to either get a divorce or break up with your lover so you can work out your marriage. But thats my feeling on the matter.
Considering your question is about feelings of love that goes to show that your desire in a relationship is more then physical. Maybe you can breach the subject as such, by simply stating you feel this affair is more the physical and see where that leads.
I really do feel that you need to decided what you want from your marriage and deal with that before you can truly commit yourself to another person. But with anything do it for your own reasons and with out expectations for others.
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A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (16 December 2007):
 You should end the marriage first of all. If you're not happy you might as well both be free to do as you please, and this will show your lover your level of commitment to him as well.
If you want to be with your lover, tell him how you feel. If he doesn't love you back, at least you have found on early that there isn't a future with this man.
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