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male
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*ames
writes: Hi,I'm concerned that pornography is affecting my relationship. Over the last few years I have got into a habit of browsing internet porn, 3 or 4 hours a week. I had previously thought this to be harmless, but it seems to be devaluing sex with my partners (current and prior) to the point where I find it difficult to become aroused when having sex. I suppose this is not suprising, since the increasingly varied nature of internet porn means I can have "sex" with a different girl in a different way on any night of the week. Inevitably sex with my girlfriend no longer has the same appeal.In an attempt to combat the problem, I've tried to stop looking at porn. But having been in this habit for so long now, I am finding it very difficult. I fear I may have become addicted to it without realising. I have tried to stop and have lasted a record 7 days before I start again.I have friends who are going through the same and think it must be an increasingly common problem affecting people from all walks of life, largely because of the growth of internet porn. It's not a widely discussed subject, and I think people get hooked without realising.I suppose I can be grateful it does not get in the way of other parts of my life (work, friends etc) and that my habit is not getting worse. Still, I would be grateful to anyone who can respond with help, advice or comments. For my girlfriends sake! (whom with I have not discussed, but is becoming increasingly concerned about my lack of libido!)Thanks,James
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male
reader, James +, writes (11 December 2006):
James is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo be clear, I am not looking for people to tell me that internet porn is wrong and that I should stop. I want to stop for the reasons I have stated and that's why I'm here! To those who have posted some helpful tips and links thankyou.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2006): Please quit the internet porn - it dehumanises you and numbs your senses. You are choosing fantasy over reality. Will you say on your death bed "gee, wish I had jerked off more often in front of a computer screen" or "gee, wish I had had more real sex" - your choice. Every time you waste your sexual energies on porn sites you are cheating yourself and your partner of intimacy, and the richness that can bring, but it takes effort. Clicking on the mouse and surfing the porn sites is an easy way to get a thrill. But it is a cheap thrill that may just cost you far more than you can imagine.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2006): I think the last answer was more a self-justification of the author's own reasons for why pornography does not affect his relationship with intimacy, a subjective experience to be considered nonetheless.
To the question asker: you sound a particularly self-aware guy and you yourself have seen a link between pornography and your libido with your girlfriend so you don't need people to affirm or deny that link.
In an ideal relationship, I think it would be very beneficial for you to talk to your partner about this, but I do not know what sort of person she is, nor what kind of relationship you have. I suspect though, that this may be something you can approach her with, and I believe if she can come to understand this perspective that you have identified then she is also what will "cure" you from your predicament.
She is, afterall, the link between the conflict of the lustful desires of pornography and the pursuit of a loving, respectful relationship with one dedicated women. She is what can resolve this conflict you have.
All the best with whatever you choose to do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2006):
Be aware that there is no DSM-IV diagnose for 'pornography addiction'. Doesnt exist, at least at this point.
You might consult sexual addiction:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_addiction#Diagnosis
here are some:
# Frequent engaging in the behavior when expected to fulfill occupational, academic, domestic, or social obligations.
# Continuation of the behavior despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent social, financial, psychological, or physical problem that is caused or exacerbated by the behavior.
# Need to increase the intensity, frequency, number, or risk of behaviors to achieve the desired effect, or diminished effect with continued behaviors at the same level of intensity, frequency, number, or risk.
# Giving up or limiting social, occupational, or recreational activities because of the behavior.
# Distress, anxiety, restlessness, or irritability if unable to engage in the behavior.
3-4 hours a week does not sound like a lot, golf takes up more than that, nor do you say that it has taken over your life to the point where you have a failure to "fulfill occupational, academic, domestic, or social obligations."
It is concerning that it has affected your physical realtionship with your gf. I think your statement that "increasingly common problem affecting people from all walks of life" in this regard in unwarrented. I dont know of a study that show a decrease in desire to have a physical relationship in men.
You may have a minor complusion regarding porn, but you can do more research concern addiction classification and see a therapist in the area.
Another causal factor to consider is that you porn interest may express in ways your physical realtionship does not. For instance you may have a strong arousal for a particular fetish, and this in absent from your sexual relationship with your gf. Your lack of a physical response could be a measure of your growing apart as your sexuality matures. That could be normal and healthy.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (9 December 2006):
Anonymous....It sounds like you have an axe to grind. How can you take such a broad stroke with the brush and say "90% of men are such sexually perverted creatures". I could do the dame thing and say perhaps men wouldn't be so frustrated if "90% of the women weren't so frigid and stunted sexually" By the way I don't think that is the case.
What you did, was throw a worthless jaded jab into the conversation. My point is this, men and women view sex diferently. PERIOD !! Women often say they become sexually arouse based on the culmination of the days events. From the kiss on the neck while you're making toast in the morning, the phone call at lunch to the hug when he comes home at night. If that is true, then use that as the measure of the man. The fact that he likes sex is a bonus.
I was mostly referring to relationships. You agree that women have most of the power. Men are men, we enjoy sex, based on our needs. It's nature. That doesn't make you an "object". It makes you the recipient of all the good things the guy does during the day A N D the person he comes to for sex. Why does that make you feel slighted? You should take it as a complimnet. If he wasn't coming to you, you'd wonder why he didn't find you attractive anymore.
Sex is supposed to be a good thing. It's fun, feels good etc. If a guy wants a little more, what 's the harm? If a man comes to his wife and asks for more sex, that should be an easy fix. If he's a good guy, husband etc. why not? It's not like he's asking to stick you in the eye with a hot poker !! We're very basic creatures. Things have not changed much over the thousands of years. As men, we like to provide for the family, offer protection and feel appreciated. We like to bring home the food. It makes us feel manly. We like sex. It's part of our genetic make up.
You ask me if I'd rather be deprived of sex or sexually degraded to the point of being a sexual object. Why should I have to choose? When a person does something they don't like because they choose to do it, they're degrading themselves. Sex with a stranger for money, I would find degrading. But it's the choice of that person to do it. Maybe they need drug rehab, therapy or whatever but they are stuck in a rut and the choice to get out comes from within. The guy who goes and pays for this stuff most likely has issues of his own to deal with. By most standards, she's a pig for selling it and he's a pig for buying it. They both have their reasons though, whether they're good or bad.
Finally, many things change as a relationship matures. But, remember how the sex was at the beginning of the relationship. Generally, it's not the man who stops wanting sex as often. Men tend to keep on plugging along, doing what's required of them. We are really low maintenance. The fact that we reqiure sex, naturally, sometimes gets held over our heads and used against us. Just as a woamn may feel the "need" to have children, a man feels the "need" to have sex. Maternal instinct, sexual instinct. They're both instincts. Would I be correct to tell my wife who wante'd kids..."please control your urges, you're so selfish"...The same goes for men. Perhaps sex on a Saturday night is not as important as the choice to have kids but when one person has all the power, as you admitted, it breeds resentment and leaves a guy with few options.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2006): I'm not sure if I'm correct about this but I imagine many men view porn out of boredom. Perhaps if sex was a little more exciting at home, they might not feel tempted
Eddie, I wont shoot you down but will say that Sex addiction is actually less about sex than you may think and more about intimacy issues.....No matter how much or how good the sex and addict will continue to self medicate with the porn because of deeper issues...
the attitude that it is because of some deficiency is also incidently the same one that places respeonsibility onto women...
To the OP...I can really recommend the no porn site link below...where there are lieterally thousands of men with the same problem...who are working on their recovery and partners who have been hurt and mislead by well meaning but ignorant advice such as spice it up'''
http://lightwave.proboards48.com/
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (9 December 2006):
I'm not sure if I'm correct about this but I imagine many men view porn out of boredom. Perhaps if sex was a little more exciting at home, they might not feel tempted. This is where I'll probably get shot down....let me put on my parachute....Although women are not ultimately responsible for a man's decision to view porn, they can be partly responsible for his lack of sexual satisfaction.
The reason I say this is because, more often than not, women call the sexual shots. Nature has made it that way. Again, not always, but in general. A woman can have sex any time she chooses. Any day of the week, any hour of the day, it's up to her. A single woman can go out any night of the week and pick a sexual partner if she's so inclined. The truth is, they don't usually do this. But it can not be denied that they hae the "power".
Men, on the other hand, do not have that ability. We hunt, seek and try but quite often come home empty handed. In other words, we are at the mercy of the female. That is just the way it is. I imagine it has to be that way or nothing would ever get done as we'd both be running around, Or tripping about , with our pants at our knees.
Maybe men see things differently. Maybe we view sex on a different level. Porn is geared to men. Prostitutes are geared to men, lingerie is geared to men's liking. Everything surrounding sex is sold to men. Why is that? It's because there is a market. The reason for the market is because many guys like it. If it were not true, they wouldn't be selling the stuff.
I think it becomes a problem when it's an addiction or a touchy subject in the marriage. This is where a woman could perhaps turn the tables. It's not your duty but it is part of the power you hold. For some people it's no big deal. For others it is. Everything in moderation.
Some people say it's taking advantage of women. I think there is some truth there. It's also taking advantage of men and weak spots they have. I'm guessing it's a pretty bumpy road that gets a woman to the point of being a porn star. There would have to be issues in her life. But, the guy who's addicted, he's might have issues too. It's a viscous circle...the porn stars get paid, the producer gets paid, the vendor gets paid and the purchaser pays. Is it good, who knows? Probably a little of both. Are people exploited? Everybody gets exploited. Some pepel choose to be exploited though. Everybody has their hang ups and is responsible to fix them.
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A
male
reader, James +, writes (8 December 2006):
James is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Juliette, and thanks for your understanding and comments. I believe my cravings come from a mixure of needing to ejaculate and visual enhancement. I'm not fully aroused and satisfied if both components are not there. The seven days of abstinance was from porn alone. I have tried to look at softer porn, and although content with this, I feel that part of the attraction is the variety of girls, the 'different girl every night' element. Perhaps my next step should be trying to stick to one?!
Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, Juliette  +, writes (8 December 2006):
 I admire your honesty and insight into your problem. At least you are are some way to conquering it by recognising you want to stop. It would be interesting to know if the craving to view Internet porn is purely driven from the need to ejaculate, or to have a certain visual enhancement. Over the seven days of abstinance, is that from porn or from sex?
I always thought a certain amount of porn was acceptable but I have changed my mind to some extent as the porn I found my husband was watching were not just sexy women, but had more lurid tones. Perhaps you could try strategies that help you to resist the craving, maybe when you have resisted for several days sex with your partner or masturbation with much softer porn may give you an acceptable but not enhanced level of relief. These addictions are often helped by self-help Cognitive Behavioural Therapy techniques or look at obsessional compulsive disorder websites for advice.
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