A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I was wondering if I could please have some advice.Recently, after nearly 10 years together, I discovered my boyfriend's nasty little secret he's been hiding for me for years. He's been seeing someone else on the side, most probably (from what I've been told) the entire time we've been together.Now, granted, the intimacy in our relationship had died out a while back, but he had career problems.. and I assumed we could work through this lull and get back to what we once had. I wasn't ready to give up on us.. he obviously did long ago.Now I don't want to sound conceited, but I am one of those first-class girlfriends. I'm (what others class as) attractive.. I have no mental issues, alcohol problems.. I'm loyal to a fault.. one of those open-book, completely genuine people.. I love the simple things in life.. and do charity work in my spare time.. love the outdoors. My ex and I had everything in common in that respect... we could never end the relationship, because, well I assumed we BOTH thought there was too much to leave behind.. even if the sexual chemistry had faded. NOW I know why that is.. Anyways, the girl he has been seeing is the absolute opposite to me. She's a big party girl.. always clubbing and drinking every night.. she's OUT there and very confident.. and goes after what she wants. She's been chasing him for years.. but I never thought he was really interested... little did I know he was sneaking to her secretly. She also is a solo mother as well.. and my ex was always a commitment phobic. In 10 years, he never even moved IN with me. I stayed because, I realise now, I fell for him hook line and sinker. He was amazing when we first met.. the most caring, gentle, tender man.. and I had never been with someone who was so gentle.. I'd only ever been with guys who were sleazy and couldn't wait to try and bed you. And this guy was the first and only man I ever slept with.. I was more than willing to give myself to this man.. I loved him so much. It's so hard to try and turn that off now :(Anyways, my question for you is.. this girl lives 6 hours away... how could they have struck up a connection like me and him had? He was like my family.. he had been there for me during every pivotal moment in my life.. every hard time.. he was what I THOUGHT was a soulmate.... how could I be so wrong?I found out what was happening and as soon as it was revealed I ended things through an email STRAIGHT away.. and there's no way I would let a pathological lier back into my life.. and now he's basically moved to her city and has been living with her.. has disappeared from where I live as soon as we broke up.I WANT to know from you what you think his feelings are towards this woman. I know that I shouldn't care.... but what drew him away from me? I would like to think I'm everything a guy could want in a girlfriend. I was fun, impulsive.. always bright and cheerful.. made him laugh... brought so much happiness to his dull life.. and he was SUCH a hard man to love in the last few years.. but I just kept on trying.. I look back at myself now and think, WHAT AN IDIOT! I wasted so many years in hope.What does he HAVE with this woman who has NOTHING in common with him? Can affairs include an emotional connection? All this time I thought he was confused over his career and I wondered why he wouldn't open up to me.. it was like trying to cut through stone getting him to talk about his feelings..I just don't understand it.. I just can't grasp it. Can someone please make sense out of this for me? Do I need to prepare myself for the fact I may see them popping out kids before long? Or do you think this woman is just some crutch he's using to fill some void? If he's used me for convenience for all this time.. I can't imagine he's not going to do the same to her.. and that he was a very secretive, very selfish.. very insecure man.I'm tired of trying to play psychologist here. If you think you can help, I would LOVE to hear your thoughts :(Heartbroken and so so confused.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): Thanks everyone for your wonderful advice.
I should've known before getting together with him. He was kind of a loner, and yet I was a HUGE people person. I've been reading through a diary I used to keep around the time we met. He always had girlMATES.. but they were always coincidentally trailor trash that had seen the backseats of multiple cars.. and he continued spending time one on one with them (and this girl he's now left me for) while we were even DATING.. funny how I could forget that all those years ago. But at the time, I was spending time with other guys (as FRIENDS)... I have to assume now he was just getting his rocks off with multiple women. Makes me feel so disgusted.
The part that I haven't mentioned to you, is that my ex was the most loving, tender man.. but according to what I've been reading in my daily diary entries all those years ago.. things changed after we had sex. Sex was quite painful and uncomfortable for me, and because he refused to move out of his parents house (where they used to pop in and say hi WHILE we were trying to have sex), I always thought it was because we never had enough privacy. Sex for us was uncomfortable and always ended with me in tears.. but I told myself if we spent more time taking holidays and more quality time in private, this would naturally resolve itself.
It wasn't until a year ago that I discovered I actually have a physical problem that requires minor surgery. So you can imagine now that I'm thinking back.. if this was diagnosed years ago.. would the outcome with us still be the same? I knew we found it difficult to have sex, but I always initiated all the other stuff we can do to be close.. but it seems from my diary entries that was not enough for him.. and he began withdrawing all the cuddling, snuggling, kissing.. "I love you's" after the sexual difficulties started.
I look back now and don't know what to think.. trying hard not to put any blame on myself. It's difficult though, because he always had me believing any problem we had over 10 years was somehow my fault.. and I look back at our emails to each other over the past year.. and I was talking about how I knew I needed to spend more time with him.. and be more attentive, but the reason I wasn't always there was because I was studying fulltime for the year and didn't have much time.. but I still called him everyday to tell him I loved him and thought the world of him...
It's crazy, but there's no emails from him saying, "I'm sorry, I know I need to change." or "I really love you".. nothing like that for years :(
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 February 2010):
I know you're hurt, and what I'm going to say isn't going to make you feel better, but it might explain it. You were the woman at home, while this other woman was the sex on the side. He has used you for everything other than sex, and has used the other woman for just the sex. You're a lovely girl, and he abused you because you were lovely, because you were nice, because you were kind. Don't stop being nice, but clearly don't go back out with this guy. He's not worth any more time. Chances are he will use her and move on as well, even if it takes another ten years. You go on and find a nice guy for yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): Honey I am very sorry for what you are going through. You are obviously very upset. I have read your post twice and all I can think is that you were possibly too good for him and he felt that he didn't measure up. Also he was probably looking for intimacy, ie with men sex and emotional support. A solo mother probably pushes his buttons of being needed. You are successful, attractive, bright in your own right, you don't actually need him to keep you afloat whereas a woman like that will need a man who is playing the role of provider which I know a lot of men like. I too was like you and my boyfriend upped and left for a woman with 3 kids living in a tower block. He said they had real love, something I apparently could not comprehend.
This woman offers your boyfriend comfort, lets him play the role of provider, is probably totally non judgemental, gives sex and probably tells him how great he is. You were a trophy girlfriend. He is getting love and attention from her. Now I know you also gave him those things but often women in a 'poorer' setting can make the man feel like a man.
You need to find a top class successful career guy. This guy was in no way strong enough for a woman like you. Set your heights higher now. This chap isn't coming back so look for someone better suited to you. You will be fine believe me. xx
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (1 February 2010):
 Hun, all the time he was having an affair with this girl he was on a 'high' and obviously believed the grass is greener on the otherside.
Eventhough he has moved to be with her, I have no doubt that once the hum-drum of life sets in, he will cheat again as he will once again be looking for that 'high' that he got when he was having the affair.
Yes, I do believe that there is an emotional connection however, I also believe the connection is more from the woman to the man than the man to the woman..
You are definitely better off without him in your life!
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