A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So first off let’s just get the I’m an idiot, I’m a horrible person, I’m naïve, I need to grow up, and all that out of the way. I am an idiot for this and I didn’t want to let my emotions get involved but I let my guard down and now I’m lost. Judge me if you want… but I just want to figure this out. However, I’m torn and I am looking for outsiders point of views. This isn’t about right or wrong, but a perspective on this messed up relationship I got myself into. I meet this girl place where she works, I happen to frequent a lot. As I just moved down to this new town. I’m a very social person and I play games with people and read them and see who their true characters are. This has been going on for 1.5 years… We started talking and became friends, what I mean by that is that I would talk to her a lot when I was there and she was there and it would end there. I her father worked there as well… she had a sister that was going through some rough things and her father and I would just talk about her. He would fill me in the latest stupid shit her sister was doing. … one day the girl and I were talking and she was telling me about her husband and that she told me that she had an affair… she left it at that. She mentioned to other more details that her husband told her he was going to find another woman to have sex with. I heard it from others and I thought wow this guy is messed up. After a bit we got talking and she told me more about what happen that, he said he was going to get a girl and they she should get a guy. She said she didn’t want to… but things in her marriage were bad, that things were just going well and this was the last straw… Well some guy that was a family friend started to show her attention and told her he loved her wanted to be with her. She told me that she thought she wanted to leave her husband for this guy because she wanted out, but as she soon realized that this wasn’t the guy she wanted to leave her husband for…. She told me that she really like me after someone made a comment about her hugging me and cuddle my arm at her work place. (mind you this girl is extremely cute, down to earth, likes sports, easy to talk to, pays attention to me and my friends, you know completely out of my league)… I said what the hell sure let “date” as a joke… But things got interesting after that moment. We exchange phone numbers, she would call me outside and we talk… she came and visited me at my work and talk and hang. Then I made the move and kissed her… Everything from that moment just exploded. She was like a teen girl in love so passionate. But no sex… We could meet 1-2 times a week for 10-30 mins and we would kiss… she told me to get this app on my phone to talk to her and we would text non-stop all and night.. this happen for 3 weeks. We hadn’t had sex just made out. I was trying not to get too involved cause I knew the odds of her leaving her husband were low. She told me that she is afraid to leave cause of her kids… She wants to but depends on his income and is afraid she wouldn’t be able to provide for them. She said that she isn’t a cheat but when your emotional abused and the person doesn’t care for you any more. You just want out and when you have kids you don’t know how to get out. But he isn’t the same person I met when I was 19 and got married… we got married 3 months after we dated, then had kidsTalking to her and getting to know her more and more each day, I swear you can see that she is still married but her kids…she was telling me how he has never done anything with the kids that the boys don’t even know how to play catch.. she had to teach them to ride a bike… but after the affair happen he realized that he wasn’t part of the kids and they agreed to try to work out it, but she said that it just isn’t there anymore. I don’t love him… I don’t want to be there… He is a little better with the kids, but not with me. All he cares about is sex… Once night I flirted with another girl and she flipped, that was the night she told me that she is fallen in love with me… Since then we talked about her getting a divorce and she said that I need to hold on that she is just trying to figure all this out. She wants to do right by her kids and make sure she is making the right decision and that its hers. At this point I didn’t want to get emotionally involved I knew there is a small chance this wouldn’t end well…One night we were hanging out my lust took control and we had sex. Now we have it ever so often when we meet… I mentioned the ring and we she need to get divorced and get rid of it, that if we keep going forward I cant do this if she is married… she look at me and said you mean replace it… Here is the thing I am so lost… part of me wants to walk away and part of me wants to stay…This “relationship” doesn’t have much sex in it.. more of an emotional bond… when she is having a bad day she hugs me so tight and kisses me. So is so passionate when we are together… but that’s its…She calls when she can and is alone, but sometimes I hear from her a lot and sometimes not at all. Sadly, I got emotionally involved with this girl and I don’t know what to think if she is leaving her husband or not. The relationship is more emotional than sexually but the sex is amazing when do have it.There are a few people that know about our affair and they tell her that she deserves to be happy whether its with more or someone else. That she needs to get out of her current relationship and just be happy. they tell me to be careful that she wears her heart on her sleeve… I’m looking for some opinions about this situation. Is it pointless a chance?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 July 2017):
 I don't believe she is going to leave her husband. She has had an affair before, she is doing it again with you, and I believe she will find someone else after you as well. She may be unhappy in her marriage, but that is not a reason to be unfaithful to her husband. My guess is he found out about her last affair, threatened to do the same to hurt her and instead off her working on her marriage she is away having another affair. The kindest thing you can do for yourself is walk away, you will always just be an outsider to her, someone she can have sex with and talk to. She will never leave her husband, she uses her children as an excuse off why she needs to stay married, when she doesn't, he is still entitled to pay child maintenance. How do other single mothers cope?
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (4 July 2017):
 She MAY like you but, primarily, she seems to be looking for security and a meal ticket for herself and her children. Hence the comments about replacing the wedding ring.
Be very careful. I say this because, IF she leaves her husband for you, she will probably expect you to marry her. If things don't work out (you sound sufficiently streetwise to know there is a chance they won't), she may turn round and blame you for the break up of her marriage and put you on a guilt trip about the children losing their home, etc. You know no relationship comes with guarantees - especially one with children involved.
At the moment everything is secret and you are not having to cope with the everyday stresses of rearing children. I am sure you realize life with this girl AND HER CHILDREN would not be all plain sailing or even easy. It would not be about just you two having amazing sex. It would involve other young lives that you would become responsible for. Are you emotionally and financially ready to take on a ready-made family?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 July 2017):
 You need to back off on the emotional bond and the sex. So no texting, no talking until she gets a divorce. She would either do it fast if she wants to keep you or she would find some other dude to play with. She wouldn't know if this is some infatuation or the real deal until she has come to terms with the end of her marriage and start all over again. She seemed to want to test out if you are the one to jump ship to. This is not fair for you to play with uncertainties. She may be saying things are not there with her husband anymore just to keep you hooked on to her longer. When you cut off contact it will feel like you are letting her go, letting a beautiful connection go. There will be an empty feeling inside but this is what you do if you want any chance of a serious relationship happening in the future. Also for her to respect your boundaries. Not to mention her divorce would go smoothly if nobody knows about you. Affairs are fleeting illusions because you only get to see when the person presents her best. Only consider getting back with her if you are okay with taking on her two children and both of you had had time to be single and reflect on what you want.
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