A
male
age
36-40,
*sh'
writes: I always thought i was straight but recently i've been having sexual thoughts about a guy i know. What do I do? Tell him? Ignore it? Am i gay? Also, i know this guy because he is one of my best friends' brother. What do i do?
View related questions:
best friend Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2013): I noticed that it was mentioned by one of our agony aunts that being gay is a "choice" we make "like changing clothes." Perhaps she meant it is not a choice.Being gay is not a choice. It is your sexuality as assigned by nature. Coming to terms with being gay and accepting it may take time, as in your case. Experimenting with sex with someone of the same sex may be a choice. For those of us who are gay, we have known since puberty. We may not have acted on our true nature until many years later; as may be the case for you.Many cultures and religions oppress homosexuality; which forces people to hide who they are. Many men are bisexual and only act on that part of their sexuality that is acceptable to society; and can hide their attraction for men completely. Sooner or later, they may act on their gay feelings for other men.Whatever applies in your case, I recommend that you do not discuss these feelings until you yourself come to terms with them. You may discuss your feelings with someone you know that is openly gay; but spreading the news to the general public and disclosing your feelings for someone who isn't aware of how you feel, could be dangerous. That would not be smart at all. The website places your age between 26-29, so your gay feelings for a friend didn't suddenly come out of the blue.You may have suppressed your gay thoughts for a long time; but I find it hard to believe you have never felt attraction to a man before now. In all honesty, you're old enough to know better. Perhaps you can accept it if you're told you are, because you have been in denial for so long.If you are feeling sexually attracted to another man and these feelings have continued for an extended period of time, they are gay feelings. That I can confirm based on the information you have provided about yourself.As I previously advised you, be careful and very discreet about your feelings. Please do not approach the guy you know about your feelings unless he is gay. He might get angry and do you harm.
A
male
reader, Relationship.Chef  +, writes (28 May 2013):
 Are you ready to ruin the relationship between you and your friend's brother?Because regardless whether he's gay or not, or whether you're gay or not, this will drastically change the dynamic between you, your friend, your friend's brother, and anyone else who knows you.Approach this in the very same way that porcupines make love. Very carefully.There are two issues here. First is whether you have any sexual interest in men. Second is your relationship (and everyone acquainted with the two of you) with your friend's brother.Remember how awkward was discovering your sexuality? Girls were almost a taboo, and every piece of erotica was treated like a sacred relic?What if there were someone to guide you? Someone to take your hand and help you figure out what's what?I don't know where in Ireland you are, but, with a little effort, it shouldn't be that difficult to find someone (younger, older, but definitely more experienced) who will gently help you in discovering what you're really all about. It could be that you're bi. Could be that you're gay. Either way, I'd solve that issue first, and then come out (or not) to your friend's brother.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 May 2013):
 Are you married, in a committed relationship, dating, or otherwise involved with anyone?
Is he married, in a committed relationship, dating or otherwise involved with anyone?
Is he 'out' as gay?
Do the sexual thoughts show up as dreams or as random daydreams or do they show up when you are having other sexual thoughts about women?
Do the sexual thoughts appear when you are watching porn? Is the porn you are watching mostly straight or mostly gay?
I would ignore it for now and just try to observe when the thoughts show up and the context in which they appear. The sexual thoughts may just demonstrate that you are not at completely heterosexual as you believed; not really a big crisis or a worry or something to act on.
...............................
A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (28 May 2013):
 Yes gay or bisexual you should do what you love or like. Many men are gay out the closet or bisexual out the closet. You decide its up to you a choice we make. Like a choice of which clothes we will wear. Try and see if you like anal sex and doing oral on a man is a way that one will find.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2013): If you're not sure of your feelings, why would you tell him?If you are gay and he's not, what would be the point in telling him how you feel about him? I think you might want to keep your thoughts to yourself for now.I am gay, and I have many straight male friends. They have confessed to having a temporary gay-curiosity or a "man-crush;" but it dissolves as soon as they find a woman to distract those thoughts. They have never acted on these feelings. Thoughts don't make you gay. If you act on them and enjoy it, you may be.In your case, they seem to be persistent. So you may be discovering that you are gay, or could be bisexual. Are you a virgin? Are you sexually attracted to women? Have you ever had an extended relationship with a woman that included regular sex? You don't offer much information.I don't recommend telling your friend about these feelings for him unless you know he is gay. If he isn't, he may not appreciate you telling him about it, and get upset with you.You don't have to ignore your feelings. You have to read more about homosexuality, and possibly experiment with a consenting partner. If you have any gay friends, have a talk with them so they can explain what it is you may be feeling. Sometimes these feelings are focused only on one person, and they amount to nothing more than fantasizing. If you find yourself sexually attracted to other men in general.If you look at a picture of a good-looking naked man, and get sexually aroused.You have your answer. You're gay. Be very careful and discreet. Don't go around telling everyone you know. You aren't sure of it yet. Some folks will not be happy to know, and may not take the news very well.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2013): Everyone has bizarre fantasies from time to time, I wouldn't worry! Is it just him you find attractive or do you have an affinity to other guys too? If you appreciate other men then there's a chance you could be gay, nothing wrong with that and you should embrace it :) As for telling the guy, I'd hold off just yet - I'd have a think first and be sure of myself before letting the cat out the bag. Maybe use this time for self discovery and experimentation if you're feeling brave! Is your best friend approachable? You could maybe have a chat to them if the answer's yes. Alternatively if you don't feel comfortable with laying all your cards on the table, you could make a joke of it to guage the reaction - say something like "I had a strange dream last night,such and such happened...". But most of all, don't ignore it cos otherwise you'll end up in knots and be chronically confused (never a good thing). Good luck!! x
...............................
|
