A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am really confused - my fiance had been blowing hot and cold since February this year basically since I lost my job and things were financially hard for us.We got engaged on New Year's Eve and I thought it was a new beginning for us - we have had issues with his ex in the past as he has a little girl who I adore, and I have caught him messaging other girls a few times via Facebook. I have always excused this as he has deep insecurities thinking he isn't good enough for me.He gets annoyed if I get 'paranoid' over Facebook however whenever I have been 'paranoid' I have been right, he's been messaging other women.Anyway recently he was being really decent and I suspected he was messaging someone again - he was but he said just to get advice as basically he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore and hadn't been on his own since he was 21 so thought we should have a break from each other and see where we are in a few weeks. I was devastated - we live together in his house so I have had to leave and now am back at my Moms which is not ideal. He was flitting between it being permanent and just a temporary break - we decided we;d have a break with no contact. However, he has been texting me all week - firstly saying how can you love me, you're just settling and then sending kisses and chatty banter.Then this weekend he discovers one of my family members has deleted him off Facebook and this sent him irate - he started sending me messages about this from Fri-Sat. He seems very angry.Then I haven't heard from him - I have our house keys still and we are still 'engaged' on Facebook but I don't know what to do really as he's putting statuses on Facebook making out he's had the time of his life this weekend meanwhile my heart is utterly broken.I guess I am scared he's been so happy this weekend he's realised he's happier without me. But my question is how long do I give him this break for? Should I get in touch at all to clarify things as the way he's acting is this really a temporary break or not... And obviously I can't stay at my Mom's forever...He says he loves me as a person and was calling me by our nicknames in the week... I just feel really confused I don't know what to do for the best - I'm not sure my nerves can handle this break that much longer - I don't even know why he needs a break really, surely we should work it out together one way or another...Has anyone else been in this situation, can anyone help?
View related questions:
a break, engaged, facebook, fiance, his ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (28 May 2013):
 I’m sorry but “a break” is never good. TO me, “taking a break” is the first step towards permanent breaking up.
He’s right you are settling. I’d agree with him there. He’s to wishy washy to make a commitment to you.
He used a family member of yours deleting him from facebook as a springboard for picking a fight?
I would personally advise you as hard as this is… end the relationship and do not let his whining and crying manipulate you back into his good graces.
His actions are not those of a man in love with you. He’s in love with himself.
A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (28 May 2013):
 Your fiance doesn't sound like he is ready to get married or be in a committed relationship. He was messaging other women behind your back and lying to you about it, he broke your trust.
Why do you still want to marry him?
...............................
A
male
reader, Relationship.Chef +, writes (28 May 2013):
 Your fiance does not know what he wants.
Regardless of what it is that he is looking for, it does not include you. Or, if it does (which I very much doubt), it does not end with you.
We imagine certain things. Certain situations that we'd like to be in, and very exact parts that complete those situations. If we're lucky, one and only one person completes most, if not all parts of that equation.
In your case, it is almost painfully clear that you are only a very small part of what your fiance wants. Do you really want a husband who will constantly search for other ways to make himself happy (happier)? Do you want a relationship where you are only a small part?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2013): I have been in a similar situation. I wasn't engaged but I was datinga guy for two years who would blow hot and cold. He would text with ex girlfriends behind my back in a flirty way. I talk to guy's but they are not exes, just friends, and I never hid it like he did. He would pick fights with me to go out drinking with his buddies, rather than just be open and communicative. If we had an argument he would gang up on me with his buddies and anyone who'd listen and talk shit about me. He would always jerk me around, do something so hurtful and then come back crying with his tail between his legs begging for forgiveness. I took him back two years worth of times and nothing changed. The problem was an extreme lack of maturity. In my exes case, I also believe he has mental illness. The way he behaves and his thought process is too impulsive and irrational. Normal people don't act that way. They communicate, they don't play games, they think about consequences before engaging in behaviors that might cause detriment to themselves and to others. I see alot of parallels based on your post. I am not saying your fiance has mental illness, but all I know is that nothing is going to change and he is going to get worse with time. After all the drama and heartache my ex put me through he was the one who left me...even though I orchestrated a series of things so that he'd leave me since I could not leave him for some reason. And while I was sad I felt so relieved. I know he will never find someone as special as me but I also know that I owe it to myself to move on and find someone better. Cause people like them who are impulsive live in regret. They always think the grass is greener and when reality hits and they realise it is not, they have no shame and will come back crying to you. But it is only a matter of time before they get bored again and see the grass greener elsewhere. It's a pattern they will have for the rest of their lives. They are searching for an ideal that doesn't exist. It's sad. Don't allow this man to jerk you around. You deserve better. I know it hurts and it sucks but from my own personal experience, I know you are better off without him. It is a big mistake to marry him. I'm sorry.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2013): I wouldn't accept a break either, but if I did it would extend to 'no calls, no text messages, no Facebook stalking'.
...............................
A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (28 May 2013):
 I was on a break I suppose in a relationship a time ago. It was a issue the main issue was I had been in bad relationships so instead of continuous bad relations. I break of leave so it won't really be a serious committed relationship. I don't want to hurt anymore people and I don't want to be hurt. Its like a win lose or draw. I guess its probably a deep seated subconscious fear of commitment on my part. I know I shouldnt let the past dictate future love interest but its trust issues not so much insecurities. It is possible that its that they dont think there good enough or your out of there league. I would make a effort to find out whats really the issue. It's a challenge to be in a one sided relationship hard enough to be in a relationship I learned. It makes you or breaks you and its a whole lot of work to put in.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 May 2013):
 I would never accept breaks in a relationship because they mean the other person doesn't want to work things out with you. If he was messaging girls when he was decent, he must be messaging someone now. Breaks are also a way to postpone marriage. An long engagement means nothing if you don't have a wedding date set. Your loss of job only became a catalyst, not the real reason for the break up. For better or worst, he should be encouraging you to find a new job, give you comfort that everything will be okay, and not saying he needs space. If his income is not enough to cover his child, and as a backup should you lose your job or become a stay home mom, he shouldn't have engaged to you. I hope your mom understands your situation. Not having your own place is not a reason to stay in a painful relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2013): i have not been in this situation before but i can assure you that because he knows you always follow what he does on face book he will make it seem like he is having the best time ever!if i were you i would show him the same, i would delete the engaged from the face book and try make him see you with other men! he is the one who asks for a break right? make him understand how strong you are, how much little do you need him! i am guessing he felt financial pressure , and the burden of you financially made him forgot he love you for a whileyou need to show him you are strong and if he does not come back you will not want to live your whole life with such an unstable manand just for the record, never give him excuses for talking to other women, you are giving him excuses to cheat on you then okayplay cool, let him come back as he went away, and if he did not he does not deserve wasting the rest of your life with him.be strong and he will come back if he loves and deserves you for real
...............................
|
