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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I don't know what's wrong with me, but please help me out! When I start dating a new guy, I always think about my exes and I don't feel happy because I'm thinking of/comparing him to the previous guy. It's like I can never be satisfied with the PRESENT. It really frustrate me because how will I EVER be in love?!!! I also get bored very easily (I'm like the guy of the relationship)! Honestly I have always had good luck in having the guy fall for me but I never do! I'm the one who rushes into sex because I want it really bad but once I do, they consider it "making love" and I just consider it as sex (soon enough becoming bored and wanting to move on to the next conquest). I do want to fall in love, love is all that's missing in my life but I just don't feel anything. Sometimes, I think it may have to do with the fact that I lost my virginity less than two years ago. Right now I'm dating an amazing guy but as much as I want to love him I can't :( it's even gotten to the point that I've felt violated during sex (like disguisted almost) but he is so GOOD to me!!! I don't understand! And when we have sex, I think of my previous guy. But when I was with that previous guy and we had sex (which was the best I've had) I thought of the guy before him! What's WRONG WITH ME?!!! Am I a sex addict or a martyr or what? Please help! I want to find love :( and this new man in my life deservessss it!
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lost my virginity, move on, my ex, sex addict Reply to this Question
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female
reader, lmao1989  +, writes (26 September 2012):
 You will find love, the main thing you need to think of is you're exes are exes for a reason so they can't have been the person for you and you're still looking for that right guy.You can kiss as many frogs in the world and compare them to the last but if you have no feelings then they're not the Prince you've been searching for.THe guy you're dating now ok you're not in love with him yet but give it a chance, remember you're exes are exes for a reason whatever that reason maybe it wasn't the relationship meant for you, just take your time if he's willing to wait let him wait it'll prove whether he's actually worth it.Comparing sex will happen maybe they've done things you never thought you'd like or maybe they done something better than the last why not use all of that knowledge and talk to the guy you're dating to get the best sex, if you're comparing him to the last guy an the last guy to the guy before then find out what it is that makes you tick and talk to him about it share it with him i'm sure he'll be pleased to have some tips on ways to pleasure you and get you extremely turned on.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 September 2012):
 "And he said he's willing to wait for me to love him but what if I never do?!"Then that's his problem. If he wants to wait, and you enjoy his company despite not loving him (yet), why rush? Out of pity? A relationship shouldn't be between a dog and it's owner, to put it cruelly. Someone once told me that, he felt that he was a dog that stayed with me out of loyalty, and that he loved me like a dog loves it's owner. It was a terrible thing to say, but it also cuts down to the core of something important: a relationship needs to be between two EQUALS. If you do not see him as your equal then what does that say about your relationship?In my exes case, it was him who didn't feel equal to me, despite me feeling like we were equals. Maybe he should have spoken up more, maybe I expected too much out of him. Who knows. But after that comment we broke up. He later begged to have me back, but who wants a dog for a boyfriend? I'm sure you don't want lap dogs either, you want someone who is your equal. And you wont be equals if you stay with them out of pity! You wont be equals if you pity them, and how can you respect them when you pity them?It's much better for them to be with someone who WANTS to be with them, rather than be with someone who stays out of pity, or feelings of loyatly rather than passion and love. I don't know how long you've been with your current man (maybe you wrote it, but I can't see it). But love doesn't burst out just because someone is nice to you. Love usually takes its time. But if you haven't started to feel like you have romantic feelings for him, such as a crush, being in love, or actually truly love him, within 6 months... then I am pretty sure it wont happen. There comes a time when you got to be honest with yourself and let go of the men who you don't have feelings for. You can wish him all the best, care for him, you can even go as far as loving him as a friend. But it you aren't in love you aren't in love, and that's not something you do on purpose to be mean to someone. You can't help it, you can't help what you feel, or don't feel, for certain people. If the chemistry isn't there then it's a no go. It's not your fault, it's not his fault. It's just the way life is some times.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2012): Wow! That is the best advice I have probably ever gotten! Thank you so much!!! Currently I'm 21 and have slept with four men in the past 2 years. The first one was from a long-term relationship but I did not have the feelings I wanted to have for him, rather I was curious and stayed with him out of pity (which is a horrible thing to say but I'm terrible at breaking up). The next two were rushed. The second one was pretty much a fling, who I thought I fell for but was really just hurt because he turned out to be married and having a child in another state while we hooked up. Then the third I really felt a connection with and the sex was AMAZING (the only person I've ever orgasmed with from intercourse) but he didn't have much going with his life, was 10 years older and didn't want to commit. As much as I now feel like I loved him, he had way too much baggage: kids, selling and smoking marijuana, under welfare. So I left him and I met this amazing man I am currently in a relationship with. Sorry I forgot to mention it but yes I did say yes to being his girlfriend. But I think maybe I felt rushed, he bought me like a $500 necklace for our third date and he has supported me through my dreams. he is the sweetest most respectful guy don't get me wrong but I just don't think I feel as I should or maybe I just need more time. I don't know but just like sometimes I have felt pressured to fake an orgasm in the past, I kind of feel pressured to say I love you when a guy says it. It is probably the worst thing but I take pity a lot maybe because I know how it feels so I have a really hard time rejecting or dumping and when I mistreat them, they stay around. I don't know what to say to my boyfriend and I'm not sure if I should just stop looking for a while. But mainly what do I tell my boyfriend, he's met my family and everything!!! He will be devastated :( he has no family, I am his life according to him! And he said he's willing to wait for me to love him but what if I never do?! Ugh do much pressure!!!!!!!
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (26 September 2012):
 I think you need to slow down. Take time to get to know a person really well. If you don't feel anything for them and don't fall in love with them then don't have sex with them.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (26 September 2012):
You're 18-21. How many past exes do you have? Were you serious about any of them? I'm going to assume things here, simply because there isn't much information on this to go on. I assume that based on your age, you can't have had many exes, nor any particularly meaningful relationships. You're frustrated because you don't fall in love, rather than give yourself the time it actually takes to fall in love. A common teenage/young adult syndrome is to exaggerate. We youngsters really can't help ourselves. To briefly compare a man to an ex, somehow manifests as "always" thinking about the ex.
Assuming you didn't have a long term meaningful relationship with any ex of yours, considering your age and general teenage relationships, there's not really much lingering going on here. You're not still in love with your ex, you don't have him in your life still (it's not as if you own a house together, or have children together, at best you go to the same school together).
And, you broke up with your exes for whatever reason, so obviously they're not someone you actually could be with for the rest of your life. They were brief. You having had several exes already at such a young age makes me assume they were brief relationships. And I don't count child hood sweethearts or young teenage relationships as they barely qualify as relationships. So from the age of 15 to now... your previous relationships can't have been long term ones.
What I'm getting to with all these assumptions is that you're just stressing yourself out, jumping from one guy to another in the hopes that lightning will strike you from above, with magic and rainbows and puppies. The fact is that you might not end up meeting someone worthy of your love until you are in your mid-twenties! You might not end up falling in love until years from now, and not because there is anything wrong with you. But simply put: you can't hurry love, and: you can't make the heart feel something it wont.
Instead of creating an issue where there is none, start to take things as they come. So you don't fall in love at the drop of a hat. Well who does? And why would that be necessary? This isn't about any ex of yours.
Stop having sex as a substitute for love. You wont fall in love with him unless you naturally do, you can't make yourself fall in love, and you can't use sex to try and fall in love either. There's nothing wrong with you, but you are trying to force something that isn't there.
I suggest you break-up with this current man. You're not even in a relationship, he's just someone you're dating (as you said yourself) and already you are sleeping with him. Too soon. You're rushing into things instead of taking the time to grow feelings naturally. Then when you mix sex into it, when the relationship isn't ready for it, you're just ruining whatever chance you had of feelings for the man. Because, like you said yourself, it's "just sex".
Fall in love with a man first and then have sex with him after. That's the ONLY rule you need to follow so far. Yes, this means you will have to be patient. But love will come when it is right, it's not something you can choose. If you want sex to mean something you got to stop treating it as something you just do to scratch an itch. Get yourself a lover on the side if you're so horny you can't keep it in your pants, but don't enter a relationship with a man you aren't in love with. Period. Don't do it. Fall in love first, or at least develop a crush, before you enter a relationship. And then wait with the sex until you actually are in love.
And be patient!
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