A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, well here is my problem. I am married for nearly two years, we had our problems and broke up twice during this 2 years. The thing is, i always find myself fancying other men and sometimes ask myself do i really want to be with my husband.There are times when i want to be with him and then more times that i feel, do i really want to stay with him and have his kids. I am afraid he will turn out like his father, his father is very disrespectful to his mother, when there are people around, he says things like "the way she talks i am surprise anyone every understands her" his is very heavy, totally overeats and does not care!!Maybe this sounds like a terrible thing to say, but if i ever did have kids, i am afraid that they will look like my husbands father and i a bad person for saying this? My husband is good, but the odd time we have been out he has said a few things to me like "you are weird" "shut my mouth" (not in front of people) when he gets angry. I am scared he will turn out like his father.It is normal to feel like this, do i really want to stay with my husband? our sex life is not the greatest, lucky to do it once a month. My husband is not as social as i am, he likes to relax a lot where i love to go out and meet people, sometimes i feel i have to push him to do things, it is hard to get him to move to do stuff. Is it just i am Bored and think things will be better if i move on and start living my own life alone? Please advise..i am confused and have these thoughs practically every day..thanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): You are unhappy because you have different styles and preferences, your needs are not met in the departments you mentioned (sex and social life), and his otherwise kind nature has not compensated for your unfulfilled desires. The fact you "always" find yourself fancying other men is a dead giveaway of your being unsatisfied by the course of your marriage. When we are discontented with our relationships, we tend to ONLY see the partner fraught with faults, to unburden ourselves of the guilt we feel by wanting OUT. The actual problem does not consist in your partner reiterating the mistakes of his father, which you stress on, simply because that is not happening. You would probably not even notice it as a possibility, if your marriage was in other regards excellent!I will say that completely different styles will often lead to the disruption of a relationship, but they can also fuse into a varied menu of what you can do together, combining these. It takes open discussions and willingness on both parts. However if you don't see eye-to-eye on several issues that are prioritary to one or both, you won't be living together but merely tolerating each other, with unceasingly growing frustrations. Ask yourself if you can live with what he has to offer in the directions you are not pleased with and what you can do to also improve things on your behalf, once you decide you want to save your marriage (consider counselling?) For instance explaining to him kindly your social life is suffering and trade what you can do to recuperate it, pointing also to his lack of initiatives. To speculate, he may have realised he is becoming unattractive to you, thus refuged in overeating! You do not say when has the situation become aggravated or what were the reasons of your previous break ups, that unresolved adequately in an initial stage, may have continued to erode at the foundations of a healthy relation, as any unresolved conflict...How does he feel about your situation? Have you talked at all?
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