A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a lot of close female friends. The problem is that I meet them, like them, and then we become really close friends and nothing more. It rarely fails. Although I'd like something more than friends in the beginning, I wouldn't change my relationships with these (female) friends for anything.Not to be full of myself or anything, but I'm an attractive guy. I'm 5'9, skinny (maybe too skinny for some girls) and active. I don't hook up with many girls.. but lately, I've had a trend of being the rebound, and it's a one and done deal.. which I'm not a big fan of. Sometimes I'm a little quiet, but if the girl's contributing to the conversation, I have no problem talking with girls.Maybe it was the whole "whoa we're in college" idea freshman year, but I had a steady "thing" with three different girls until I finally started going out with the girl I really liked. We had a serious relationship for a while, but as with most relationships, it ended. Now I'm a junior, and have been looking for a girl for almost a year. I don't think I've changed much since freshman year.Girls, why did you become best friends with a guy. What attracted you to your current boyfriend, ex, or potential?Guys, anybody have this problem? Did you find a way to overcome the "friend" zone with girls you meet?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2010): Yeah I used to have this problem. Mine was due to nice guy syndrome. I was too nice, too respectful and not aggressive enough when it came getting women I wanted.
What I mean by aggressive in pursuit of them is that I wasn't forward enough, not dominant enough and I didn't pursue a relationship with enough visible romantic intentions. I held back too much and didn't just go for it.
It took some fine balancing to get that right. Too forward and I got either rejected or the easy girls.
You have to show romantic interest from the start. It's all well and good getting friendly with a girl but you know right away that you want to get with her so you should be moving the relationship in that direction. Once you start getting to know a girl and you click, then ask her out, take her on a date, flirt, make moves you know the drill.
What's happening with you is that you're becoming close to them but without the spark of desire, you might even be getting close to girls who have no interest in you but you just don't find that out until later because you never tried it on. In my experience women that you get into the friendzone with either didn't fancy you to begin with, did fancy you but the more they got to know you saw you better as a friend (as was my case) or while you're playing the long slow patient game with no moves, they find someone that sweeps them off their feet.
What happened with me when I was a teenager was that girls really liked me, so they'd get to know me and while I liked them too I never took the bull by the horns and did anything proactive about it. I just assumed that it would happen on its own or the girl would make it clear when they were ready. Of course they were ready from the start, they were just waiting for me to take on the role of dominant man and sweep them off their feet.
You see for the majority of women a man that pursues them aggressively is one that's really interested, it shows a desire, it shows confidence and they want to be led and swept away by this guy. That's the very reason you see that sleazebags are so successful.
You've probably seen this a million times. A reasonably good looking guy who is full of himself and everyone knows is a sleazy asshole, getting the girl. Even when the girl herself knows this, she might bad mouth him to others but very often she'll end up giving in to his pursuit. I just watched what these guys were doing and took my cue from them.
Most women I've dated were suckers for a guy who persisted. Even if they knew he was a player, even if they weren't really attracted to him, even when they knew he was cheat and a liar, he kept trying and they gave in.
Seriously even the most grounded intelligent girls I know have fallen for guys like that, knowing full well what was going to happen.
Seriously never underestimate the need in women to feel desired, to feel wanted, to feel beautiful a lot of them will do anything for a guy that makes them feel this way even things they don't want to do, they'll do it just to keep that feeling. All cosmetics, diets, pretty much all consumer beauty products show you how powerful that need is.
Of course the above is a very broad generalization and it's quite vague, my point is you're not giving girls that feeling of being sexually desired by you, there's no "I want you" about you at all. Girls need that from a guy they will consider dating. This is what creates the "spark" you always hear about. When girls talk of chemistry this is what they're talking about. They like to say good conversation, looks, personality etc and they do matter, but when you don't have that spark then nothing happens.
It takes practice, persistence and confidence. Seriously go talk to your female friends they'll tell you.
I'm still friends with a girl I was friendzoned by in my teen years. She knew I liked her and she liked me, she told me basically that she never felt like I wanted to just grab her and kiss her, I could have at anytime, she was so attracted to me that she would have done anything I wanted if I just took it from her but I didn't, I was too nice, too respectful and had, as she called it, too feminine an idea of romance. I wasn't fulfilling my male role. So I became like a girl friend instead.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2010): The best way to destroy the friend zone is initiate things quickly enough! Guys who girls see as friends are everything they look for in a guy but they just don't see them in a sexual way.
What attracts most girls is a level of attrctiveness, health and fun / funny-ness
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (28 November 2010):
 Once women place you in the friend zone, you can't get out of it. I can't exactly tell from your post alone what you're doing to be placed in it..Women place guys in the friend zone for numerous reasons:
-they're not attracted or interested but you're a really nice guy.
-you have a feminine side, so we associate you as one of the girls.
-they feel comfortable around you to discuss anything and everything.
-they find you to be extremely trustworthy.
-also because it's nice to have guy friends to go to for insight when having guy troubles.
From the rest of your post it sounds like you have had some girlfriends, so I don't see a problem. You can avoid being the rebound by not dating a girl who just got out of a relationship, politely decline..Those girls just aren't worth it.
It's normal for you to go without a girlfriend for a year. I think you need to change your dating pattern, and omit the girls looking for a rebound. Also, it couldn't hurt to have a lot more male friends than female friends, girls tend to get intimidated by guys who have a lot of female friends. We think you're a womanizer, ladies man, or gay.
My best friend is a guy..I've never been into him, I look at him in a brotherly manner. He doesn't have a feminine side, but he is very trustworthy, understanding, and a great listener. I also have another best guy friend who is 5'11, extremely good looking, awesome personality but often gets placed in the friend zone because women think he's gay.
You have to think of what you're doing to be placed in the friend zone and how can you avoid it.
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