A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My ex broke off our relationship nearly 7 months ago. He has got a possible learning problem/character disorder which has gone undiagnosed. He had split up with his previous ex and was devastated about it. I was a good friend to him to help him get over this. Anyway, I was thrilled when he eventually asked me to be his girlfriend although it took him convincing me this was right as I didn’t want to be a rebound. Anyway, whilst he was the most incredible friend (I fell in love with him when we were still just friends but didn’t tell him because I knew that he was still reeling from the news that his ex fiancee had cheated on him) he treated me so awful while he was my boyfriend and I have never fathomed out why given it was HIM who wanted to be with me so much. After we had sex for only one time, the relationship took a nose dive and he broke off with me just before Christmas. He always said to me when we were just friends that any girlfriend he had for 3 months or under meant nothing to him and I then ended up in that category. I think I was the victim of emotional abuse yet my counsellor laughed at my suggestion. My ex would say he wanted me to kiss him and then not respond at all. In fact, he showed little interest in me at all except it seems to get me into bed although all my friends don’t think that was his intention at all. He didn’t come out for my birthday, he wouldn’t stay over my house, the list goes on. The following morning after we made love, he didn’t say anything nice to me, there was no cuddle, nothing. He asked me very little about myself, there were very few compliments and every time a girl would come around the corner he would be saying how attractive she was. He would invite me out but ignore me all evening. He was totally cold, distant and uncommunicative, and even more so when he broke it off with me. He seemed to be trying to hurt me as much as possible. I am at a loss as to why he asked me out in the first place. Given the way he treated me, I was so loving, patient, supportive, kind, encouraging, etc. and have constantly wondered why have I been treated so appallingly compared to all the other girls he has been with, and yet even he said I was the most fun, I was the first girl who he said hadn’t got a problem with other girls and that I made him feel comfortable around girls when he hadn’t before. Since we broke up, I have been torturing myself that there must be something really bad about me to be treated far worse than his other girlfriends. He lied to me about several things and he owes my sister money.After we broke up, I severed contact with him but I still see his family from time to time. In fact, tonight was the first time my ex’s father has mentioned him since we broke up. He said my ex said hello and was spending the weekend away with friends (and yet both my ex and his Mum claimed he hadn’t got any friends and my ex didn’t go away with me!). His father also said how popular my ex was with all the ladies at work. In fact, when I was with my ex women would regularly throw themselves at him and they are doing at his work apparently as well. The ladies at his work sing his praises saying what a wonderful man he is, how loving, how helpful, nice, etc he is and they ‘want to take him home and love him’. (yuk!) I have got to a point where I am over him now but given the fact that everyone thinks that he is so amazing, then am I the one with the problem? He seems to treat everyone else so amazing and respectfully and I got none of that when I was his girlfriend. I just don’t understand what was going on. I am beginning to think I was going out with a man with multi personalities!?!?! I also wonder why my ex’s father was telling me all this? I also kind of resent the fact that he is considered so amazing and yet I feel like the wicked witch because I want nothing to do with his mind games. Why did he ask me out in the first place?
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at work, broke up, christmas, emotionally abusive, fell in love, fiance, his ex, money, my ex, split up Reply to this Question
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female
reader, flower girl +, writes (8 July 2007):
 You have done nothing wrong, you were there for him when he needed it, try not to torture yourself if thats the kind of person he is he will never be happy in a loving relationship where as on the other you will be.
Do you need to have contact with his parents still?, as it might be even easier for you to move on if you do not hear these updates on his life.
You look after yourself now and think yourself lucky that you are well out of it.
Take care.xx.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2007): I have a soon to be ex-husband who is similar to this. To the outside world (and the women at work who tend to 'mother' him and say how wonderful he is) he is charming and polite. Behind closed doors he is cruel, mentally abusive and controlling. Split personalities are not unusual but the important thing is they can make you feel like things are your fault and that you are imagining it - he is probably well aware of all this and uses it to great effect. The most important bit of advice is that you are well on the road to recovery by 'seeing clearly' what this guy is all about and that it is your own feelings and self esteem you need to work extra hard to protect from this kind of control freak. Be assured that he will continue this pattern of behaviour for a long time - but you are not there to either facilitate him doing so or to try and fix him. Leave him alone and let everyone think what they like - at the end of it all.... you have had a lucky escape.
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A
female
reader, penta  +, writes (8 July 2007):
 You can't go with what other people think. Stick to your feelings. If you didn't like the way you were treated, you were right to leave. Move on and don't look back.
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