A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over two years, he is thirty and I am 20. I am still growing up and I would prefer to do it alone but I love him and he has helped me immensely. We have a lot of problems, there has been abuse, but we do love each other, he is the one who insists on making it work and I am scared that if I leave him he may commit suicide as he has said so. I also fear for my life, he has came very close to seriously injuring me in the past. Please advise if there is any hope for this relationship. thank you. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionokay for an update 5 months ago i left him. i am now living with my dad and going to college, in july i graduate. last night i spoke to him for the first time since we broke up, he still loves me and wants me back, and i want him back too. ive always believed that if someone really wants to change and they work for it they can. and he has shown me that he has changed, however my family would be devastated if i went back to him. im not sure what to do, we were together for two and a half years, and i have tried dating other people since we broke up but i havent been able to find anyone who compares to him. the abuse was our biggest problem. all the other issues were normal things and i caused a lot of it because i was still a child. since i left him ive matured a lot, and im happy with where my life is going now. i miss the life and future we planned on sharing together. what should i do? ive weighed the pros and cons and there seems to be more pros, even though my family would be disappointed for awhile.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2007): a man who beats you does not love you. and since he apparently does not give a shit about you I think that he will be just fine if you leave. Just run away and you being as young as you are you should probably tell your parents what he is doing to you. think about this: you have a daughter who is with a guy who beats her what would you want her to do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2007): If you fear for your life then why the hell are you saying you still love him?! How can you love someone who does that to you?
You said he has helped you immensly, maybe that's why you feel you should stay? ... Because he's helped you and so you feel like you should help him...? That's not the answer. This man is beyond help by you and needs a professional.
I think it's unlikely that he will commit suicide, he saying that so you won't leave him. Because let's face it, no one else is going to want to be with such a disgusting animal, are they? Men who hit women are cowards, they don't have the emotional strength to be in a relationship without manipulating or using violence. You are so much better than this person. Get out, get out now.
xxxxxx
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reader, DrPsych  +, writes (3 August 2007):
 Unfortunately by staying with this man, you have become his enabler. It allows him to rationalise his violent behaviour, emotional abuse and stay in control in his mind. He is obviously an emotionally unstable man if you fear suicide and he has big issues that need addressing by professional intervention if his only way of maintaining a relationship is through force and manipulation. If you leave it sends a clear message that his behaviour is wrong and may force him to face up to his own issues.
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reader, Midge +, writes (3 August 2007):
 What ever anyone ever says to you, it may not be the best idea to stay with him but you are obviously scared to leave.
From personal experience, if a man hit me, he needs to learn to sleep with his eyes open because when he's least expecting it he'll get his!!! However, that is what I have been brought up thinking and knowing! No-one has the right to beat on you, even if its just a slap! Its a NO NO!!!!!!
I was in a relationship like yours when I was 19. He hit me a number of times, and I just stayed because although I was taught that it wasnt right for him to hit me, he kept saying that he would change and that if I left him, he would knock himself off!
It got to a point where, although I loved him, I was absolutely petrified of him. He touched me and I trembled! But one day he went a little too far and I snapped! Needless to say he hasnt got kids, probably because he couldnt father any after I was through with him. But the bottom line is that, he doesnt have the right to hit you EVER!!! It will come down to either him snapping or you snapping, and someone will land up with more than just a bruise! The chances are, it will be you! I was just lucky I came to my senses sooner rather than later!
He says that he will commit suicide, well it may seem really horrible, but if thats what he wants to do, then he needs help that you cant give him. He needs psychiatric help! The best thing for you to do is call the authorities, make arrangements to get the hell out of there and let the authorities deal with him.
You say he has helped you through stuff, and for that you want to ensure that he doesnt hurt himself. Well by calling in the authorities you are doing just that! You are helping him more than anyone will ever know!
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reader, duskyrowe +, writes (3 August 2007):
 I can never understand people who stay with their partners who physically hurts them. All it takes is one slap/punch and I'm out the door. Touch wood this has never happened to me, I don't mean to sound smug. But no-one in their right minds would put up with this sort of behaviour. OK OK!! you can say what you like that I don't understand because I have never been in that situation, I appreciate what you guys are saying. But surely love is a beautiful thing and should never hurt. Being in an abusive relationship is highly dangerous and there have been numerous occasions where the victim ends up in hospital or worse still dead. Do yourself a HUGE favour get out of this dead end relationship and do not listen to his emotional blackmail of him killing himself if you leave him, he will only bring you down to his level if you stay.Surely that makes perfect sense doesnt it ??
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2007): You are not responsible for his actions - he needs help as an individual and my instinct tells me he has suffered abuse himself to be a) dishing it out and b) feeling suicidal. Forgive me for saying this but you are too young to be dragged down in a relationship that is causing you this much heartache. Get him some help, ensure he has other support and say that you will be there on the end of the phone - but that you can no longer continue this relationship as it is and you need some time out. I would imagine if you do this you will feel such a weight lifted from you. You clearly care - but feeling sorry for someone, pitying them and thinking they cannot live without you is not a basis for a loving relationship. You deserve a loving relationship.
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reader, edsbabygirl +, writes (3 August 2007):
 Now you tell me, if he found out you posted th is would he be angry? If he could get angry at you expressing the way you feel and wanting and needing help, than he needs help or you need to get out. If he wont listen, you make someone enforce it. My sister had a boyfriend and he treated her like shit. She ended up stabbing herself. After another boyfriend who I think was cheating on her she committed suicide. PLease don't end up in her shoes. GET HELP WHILE YOU CAN! Kayla
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reader, Helen Help! :) +, writes (3 August 2007):
 hey huni only if he gets some seriouse help he cant keep putin u in danger if he loves u that much he should understand that he needs help to stop the abusing you. Men like that are controlling and like to have the power hense the blackmail if u leave ill commit suicide. get him help or get out of there weather u love him or not before he does something that both of u regret. if he turns down the help then hes turnin down u he is obviously not botherd that hes hurtin u and that doesnt sound like love to me does it to u? good luck take care
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reader, loverman86 +, writes (3 August 2007):
 i would be careful around him if u dont feel comfortable
around him because he hurts u, u need to put ur safety in ur mind and steer clear of him.
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