A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Guys,My girlfriend is 23 years old. I am 31 with 2 children and seperated. We disagree quite often on things and not so long ago the issue of more kids came up. The problem is she definitely wants some in the future, and Im not so sure I do. I do however Love her so am faced with a difficult decision. We have had some really bad arguments recently to the point where she was going to move out for a week for some space. I dont know what way to turn. Can you help? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2007): Well, i think that may be how my husband felt. He has 2 kids from two different women. I love him so much I excepted it, not knowing how difficult it would be after i gave him his 1st boy. I give my son everything I can. It is my first child and I am fortunate enough to be able to give him what I can.
It's really sad your situation because she loves you, excepts you, and hopes you can start over with her. But it may only get worse. You see, for some reason your previous relationship didn't work out, like my husband's didn't. Your wife is ready to start a family and you have doubts. YOU ALWAYS WILL and you are going to make her life a living he**! Sorry to say but I am going thru it. My husband is 29 with a 13 year old and 10 year old who he sees every other weekend. I do so much for my son that he feels guilty all the time that he couldn't do the same for his kids. I hear it and it makes me feel bad. As if I were doing something wrong its only natural to want to give my boy what I can. I constantly deal with his guilt trips and no I feel like I should have never gotten married. I will never regret my son EVER. but dealing with what my husband dishes out is not fun. Its funny i stumbled upon this because I am going thru this tough situation. I think it could work if he realized "ok I mad some bad decisions in life and i shouldn't have to make my wife feel bad about them" instead keep regrets to yourself.
Maybe I am helping your girl out more than I can help you. But my advice if you don't want one you won't be good to your third child. Your girl will cry and be miserable because there is nothing more beautiful than to see a bond with daddy and child. IN FACT she probably fell in love with you because of your bond with your children. Hoping you will give her the same. Another thing if you are not ready toput her 1st. If you see yourself basing decisions more on your kids than what you got with your girlfriend. then its going to be hard!!!!! You see it take a man a women to bond to make those children. that bond should be a strong deep love. your love with the kids is different..but because she is not the mother you may just put them before her....and thats not fair to her. She should be your heart and you should never make her feel like she is just tagging along for the ride in your life. I hope I can help you. I feel for her I do. SHe probably love you to death. This is how i feel about my husband. I love him so much i think maybe he will stay with me (what he didn't with them) it's a gamble so far i am losing...i am losing the man i fell in love with because I am scared to do thing that will make hi feel bad. He said he didn't want kids at first...but now he says he wants a van for more kids!!!! i don't know if he will love my child like his 1st. SOmetimes he treats the kids better than he does me. How sad..i thought i was his other half only to find out i am married and i am her tagging along for the ride. Make her your everything if you can. if you can't let her find someone who can appreciate he needs. you know there can be someone, don't be selfish like my husband. Very selfish i am starting to isolate myself and detest him. God bless you situation. I send your girl my blessings. SHe only wants what she deserves, and she probably waited a long time for it..like i did.
A
male
reader, wigglywood +, writes (1 April 2007):
Hiya,
I too have 2 children from a previous marriage and I am now with a girl aged 25 (I am 32). We split up 2 months ago though we are kind of dating now and figuring out what we want out of life and working at whether we want to stay together.
I am afraid that in october I told her that I was unsure that I would want to marry or have children again in the future. I felt that it would be disloyal to my existing children to do this. Without a doubt this must have been the most hurtful thing I had ever said to my girl. We never argued but this must have had a major say in us splitting.
Anyway, my head is in a much better place now and I really do feel that I would love a chance to have a family again with my girl and I have told her so. We are taking things slowly and it's painful.
You must be honest and perhaps try not to rule anything out, life has a habit of changing how you feel sometimes and how much do you want to be happy yourself, as you can't make your relationship a happy one if you're not happy yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2007): There is no way to turn. You two are smack dab in the middle od a power issue, here. And no one ever turns out the winner. You and your gf are at different crossroads in your lives. You've been married and you have experienced family and children. You will always have your kids, no matter what. She doesn't have that and wants a family with you. I don't blame her for wanting her own children, in her future. Most young women want this. She should be able to be with someone who is willing to love her enough, to want that with her.
I see no other way around this, hun. You can have a change of heart and agree to other children or cut her loose so she can find someone who is more compatible with her in regards to sharing her life goals, sharing her values that she has, about having children. Best to get this resolved. The sooner the better. She is 23 so you need to understand that in her mind, there is an important purpose to dating a man. Aside from sharing a life with someone she connects with deeply, she wants marriage and kids. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a mutually exclusive relationship that leads to that.
You both have talk openly, honestly and from your hearts. Who knows, you may have a change of heart or you two could reach a compromise. I really don't know. But please be aware, if you don't want kids and she does, this will never, work. It will cause ongoing resentment and conflict between you both. It would then be a matter of time before she'll finally realize she cannot go there with you and she will move on. So your life ahead with her doesn't look too promising unless you can agree to even having one child with her. If you do this, get a divorce from your wife and marry this woman. Do the honorable thing by her. But if you are determined not to have anymore kids.it's time to let her go. I am sorry. Sometimes loving someone means doing something for them that hurts at the moment, but in the end they find a much happier path in their life. The way it is going now, she's not happy and neither are you. I wish you the best, dear.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2007): Yep. I have to agree with ChiRaven on this. You say you have "other arguments". You aren't specific about them, but they are probably about things not related to having more children. Until you get these worked out, you should not consider any "additions" to your family. It is natural for a young woman to want children of her own. You need to understand this. But, there is a right time and a wrong time. If you want a permanent relationship....marriage,(which I presume she wants, you must be willing to consider more children. If you feel you cannot do this,...be honest enough to tell her so. Women and kids go together like bread and jam. Men often forget this. You have your kids, but she does not. Yours will never really be "hers". Try to see her side,... and be honest. Tom
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven  +, writes (30 March 2007):
 Having children is no way to fix a shaky relationship. Until the two of you establish a firmer, more stable partnership, don't even think of starting a family together.
Oh, and that means that YOU, not HER, have to be the one responsible for seeing to it that there are no unwanted pregnancies. That's something that a lot of guys often leave up to the woman in the relationship, but for obvious reasons you REALLY don't want to do that in this case. So be a man and take the responsibility for it, every single time. The technical term for guys who DON'T do that is "daddies".
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