A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing this guy for about 6 months now and we're in an open relationship. I'm his main girl but he is going around dating and sleeping with other girls. Although he hasn't slept with any other girls yet b/c if he did he'd have told me and he hasn't told me.I've having a lot of trouble handling this. I've tried twice now to break up with him but I just can't do it. I miss him too much and am attached to him so much that I always go back. I know one thing is to spend more time with friends but I don't have any friends (I'm being serious about this, I don't have any friends where I am now). I've talked to him about breaking up and he said he'd be really sad if I left and he'd miss me but he has to go through this stage in his life where he dates and sleeps around to see what he wants in his life. On the one hand it's so hard for me to deal with and I hate it. On the other hand I do really care about him and he cares about me, I'm his main girl, and I could also see this as an opportunity for me to date other guys too. Although I don't actively go out to date guys I guess I could.I know most of you will say to ditch him because he's treating me bad. That's ok but I will need a little more help on how to get through this if I do it. I mean I've tried twice and failed. How can I get through this knowing that we both really care about each other? What do I do after I break up with him so I don't turn back?And if you think I should stay with him, that's ok but again, I'll need a little more guidance on how to handle that.Also if there's some other option or ideas out there please let me know. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (31 March 2008):
 Of course you have the strength! The worst bit is over now : )
Just think of how now there is hope and possibility in your life. Now better things can happen. And I"m sure they will - you've made the move. WELL DONE!
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female
reader, lilly_08  +, writes (31 March 2008):
 You will be fine you know you have done the right thing for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo it's done! I just hope I have the strength to get on without him. It'll be really hard. Thanks again everyone.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (30 March 2008):
You really do sound just too nice for him : ) You're quite right - any sane person with a sense of perspective would, of course, never suggest an open relationship. You're right that he's very lucky to have the rapport he does with you, but for some reason he doesn't appreciate that for what it is. He is - what? I don't know. Arrogant? Immature? Sex mad? Whatever it is, it's his problem, and will eventually make him unhappy.
You sound far too balanced and normal to be with him. Good luck with giving him his choice, and if he picks the wrong one (which I imagine he will), don't regret him, please don't. You will find someone genuinely good, who will only want you. That's the usual way to go : )
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot for your support guys. I'm just waiting until it happens tonight and I'm so anxious. I have another question, are there girls that are like this too? That just want to sleep around?
To me it doesn't make total sense. Isn't it rarer to find someone that he'll connect with on all levels like me versus finding girls he can just sleep with? So if something as good as me comes around, shouldn't he pick me then to see how that works out? I just don't get it. Why do people go through these things in their lives even when they have a great partner?
I know I'll get over this with time but right now it just sucks and it'll get even worse after I actually break up with him. I wish I could just be better now.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (28 March 2008):
You are very brave and, I think, very right. Dating is one thing, but sleeping with someone else - NO WAY. And now I hear about your discussion over how he would take you to events, etc., as you are the 'main' girl - jeez, he is trying to set up the perfect life for himself. You're absolutely right: give him the ultimatum.
You know, you sound like a great person. I almost hope he picks them so you can go and find someone else who really deserves you. You'll get there, I'm sure. It always seems like you'll never love anyone else, but trust me, you will. (I never believe that until it happens, but it is true.)
Good luck. You're doing the right thing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've decided to break it off with him and will give him the choice: me or them. I know he'll choose them but I will hope he'll pick me. I know this is the right choice because I can't let this continue. It's too much.
He told me he wants to be honest with me so he told me he slept with this girl the other day on the first date. Since this time although we've been in a open relationship this has never happened before. Although this was hard for me we rationally discussed some guidelines like we'd tell each other if we were out with someone else and what happened. Also he wouldn't take other girls to dances or dinners and things like that, he'd bring me because I'm his girlfriend, not them.
Although that was interesting just thinking of him having sex with someone else, sharing what he and I had together with someone else, isn't good. I'm going to do this. This will be so difficult because I care about him more than anyone else I know. I love this guy with everything I have. I hope he'll pick me but if this is a life experience he needs to get then I know he won't. I hope I can get through this and it's so painful knowing that he won't be in my life any longer.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (26 March 2008):
ps
1. Remember you agreed to the open relationship, but you can always change your mind - you've tried it, and it doesn't work for you.
2. If you want to split from him entirely (depending on how he responds to your request to stop it being an open relationship), the only way is like giving up any other addiction. You have to have no contact with him whatsoever. Best remedy is to find someone else to distract you. Sorry, but that's the truth - otherwise you'll miss him too much, and always end up going back. I know. I did it for years, in a v bad relationship. You just have to say no, like with drugs or booze or anything you're hooked on. There are hard times, but then you can breathe again and you feel the world is so much better and has so much more hope in it without him.
Try suggesting no open relationship first, though. And you're right - he could do with his come-uppance. He's got it way too good.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (26 March 2008):
It's a difficult one because you're trying to understand him and respond to what he says are his needs - you're trying to give him the space he wants, but really it's not at all what you want - you're happy and ready for a serious, monogamous relationship with him. This is the problem. He isn't, with you. (sorry - hard fact, but I think it's true)
I think you could go for a halfway house, that might also bring him to his senses. Firstly, what he's asking of you is daft - nobody could feel happy about it. You don't want to date other guys because you want to be with him - perfectly natural, and silly of him to try to encourage you to do what he wants to do. So, you're not in an open relationship - you're in one where you are being horribly tormented by him being 'free' to see other women - how painful and awful that must be for you - really sorry you are having to put up with it. And that's it: I don't think you honestly CAN put up with it - it's too much, way too much, to ask.
So, I think you do this: tell him you just want to be with him - nobody else. If he wants to see other people, you can't do that - it's too painful. Say if he doesn't want to give it up, you'll have to have a break for a while. He can then do what he likes. You can't promise you won't meet someone else in the meantime, but you can't see him, because he's hurting you too much.
See what he says. He may go for the break. He might give up the others. He will probably say he'll go for the break, but then still keep calling and trying to be with you, which will be hard, but I think you need to resist him. You need to up your value with him - he's taking you for granted.
My worry is that if he's doing this now, you'll never be able to trust him fully. Go for the temporary break (which won't feel so bad to you, as it isn't final) and then ... hope you meet someone else easier and nicer to be with while you're away from him!
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female
reader, lilly_08 +, writes (26 March 2008):
Hi my way of thinking when I read this is that your BF has no respect for you at all saying to you that he wants to see what he wants in his life tells me that he is not sure if your the one for him!! I cant tell you to dump him thats your choice but if you do choose to stay with him I would be using protection there are alot of things you can catch even if he does not sleep with anyone there is oral and you can catch things through that he can then bring it home to you just be careful. also if you have tried to break up with him twice and you cant do it maybe you should talk to him and tell him this is not something that you want to do and he might end the relationship himself if he does then there is your answer right there he is willing to lose you over going out and sleeping around..
I really wish you well and hope things work out for you go out and make some new friends, message me if you want to chat :) good luck sweetness
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