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male
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anonymous
writes:I have been married for over ten years. I have a loving relationship with my wife, but I know something is missing on my part. I have never adored my wife and don't know how or if I ever can feel this way towards her. We both brought pretty heavy baggage into our relationship all those years ago, and I wonder if the residue of this baggage will forever keep me from adoring her.Last year I met someone that has become very close to me. No, we are not having an affair - we have a strictly non-romantic relationship. Everyone (including my wife) knows about her. What no one except two of my friends and now you know is that I just adore this person. And this troubles me because through her I feel emotions that thus far I have been unable to feel for my wife.I don't intend to destroy my marriage because I am missing this one thing, and although I may fantasize about "running to" this other person, I am secure in the knowledge that she would never let me in the door, so to speak.How do I change my mindset so that I can stop obsessing over this one missing thing? I am afraid that I could let this obsession destroy my marriage.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2006): Hey
Wake up - there is emotional adultery and physical adultery. Either way, get your head clear on which relationship you actually want. Don't betray yourself and your relationships by trying to have both. Your emotional and physical relationships should be aligned.
I was lucky...got it clear in time. You can respect someone, but it is pure poison to live with such a conflict. Take the responsibility, make the decision - in my case I chose to invest in my relatinship with my wife... after all she had pledged to doing so with me. It's ok to screw up things for yourself, but not an innocent spouse or friend, get it together and if you do you'll find you're the biggest winner in all of this if you honour yourself. Good luck ... now happily married
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks anon (July 8) for your post.
I would cut off contact with this other person, except that we are quite close, and she has no idea (I hope) that I have these feelings for her. She is set to move to another city soon, so time and distance might help make the feelings go away. I'm pretty sure that all she wants out of our relationship is companionship; that's all I can give her anyway. We trust each other to not cross boundaries we set at the start.
I am well aware about the dangers about obsession. About twenty years ago I had a relationship that took me over ten years to get over.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your follow up, Ariel.
I will not tell my wife about my feelings for this other person. What purpose would that serve? These feelings are a symptom for other issues within our marriage. It is these issues that I need to identify before I can reveal them to my wife.
I'm pretty sure the chip on the shoulder is an issue - it might even be the main issue. I am loath to compare relationships, but this other person is every bit as talented as my wife yet does not seem to have the chip on her shoulder. It means that we can have conversations that don't involve a competition to get in the last word.
I am going to think about this issue (chip on the shoulder) further.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAriel, thanks for your post. I have spent a week on vacation with my family and away from this forum. I have re-read the entire thread, and two issues emerge that I need to deal with:
1) I recognize that my wife has a chip on her shoulder, and I have a problem with the behaviour that results from it.
2) We have both been very busy over the past few months, and as a result have been remiss in maintaining our relationship.
The second issue is relatively easy to resolve - we both have to make time to reconnect. It's happened before to us.
The first issue requires more confrontation, which, Ariel, as you correctly pointed out, I don't feel comfortable with. I have let her occasional nasty behaviour rein in my honesty. However I recognize the importance of revealing my views to my wife, and the sooner I do it the better.
During this vacation my wife admitted that lately she has not been able to think about our marriage. It wasn't a crushing or even disappointing revelation to me - at least I knew what was on her mind. Furthermore, she chooses to remain married to me because we trust each other. This is very important, because I think no relationship can be successful without trust. I responded that if we didn't trust each other, our marriage would be over, and quickly. Her words about trust also reveal that she doesn't need to be with me, but chooses to be with me. I don't have a problem with this because I feel the same way about her.
Well, I am still trying to find the right perspective, but I think I am getting closer.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2006): Hi Friend,
You are a great writer :-) I mean the way you put your thoughts, it's simply good...
One thing I understand from your posts is that you would never leave your wife...that sure must be love!! :-D
Why not continue life just the same?(minus the other lady ofcourse) I'm saying so coz I'm sure the obsession will become dangerous sooner or later. You dont have a choice but curb your feelings :-( about the other female. But if you are tooooooo sure you can control your feelings you can continue being friendly with her and fantasize 'running to her' :-D
All the best mate :-)
Ria
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2006): Adoration: to idolise, to worship, to revere,to glorify.What part do these words play in a real relationship. If you don't feel them, celebrate the things you do feel.Adultery: to betray,to corrupt,to debase,to devalue.Love at first sight is easy to understand, it's when two people have been looking at each other a lifetime it becomes a miracle.
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (7 July 2006):
 Hey there oh troubled one!!
I understand what you are going through completely! If you feel brave enough PM me and I will share more!!
I know what you mean about the chuckle tho, I have just read my answer and realised how many typo's I made....whoops
Lol
x
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response, willywombat. I understand completely what you are saying. Another responder affixed the term "perfect match" to my friend, but I made no such claim. And I know that adoration filters out (or makes us blind to) all the tough times that are part of a long-term committed relationship. Your response, if nothing else, gave me a much-needed chuckle.
When the romance honeymoon is over, all live-in relationships go into that roommate phase. Does he leave the toilet seat up? Does she leave the toothpaste cap off? Who has the higher tolerance for an unclean bathtub? Are we good with walking around the house naked? Does he like to sleep fully clothed? Does she fold the laundry a certain way? Does he leave the kitchen a mess after cooking? I could go on, but I digress.
I am hoping that time will help put this issue into a perspective that does not seem as intractable as does right now.
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (7 July 2006):
Adoration to me means loving somebody with out ever seeing/choosing to see their faults. This is impossible. Adoration fro be saved for a being like God - not a mere mortal.
You only ever get the good sides of this person you *adore*. You never see them sahving their legs, or with PMS of hungover or picking their zits.
This is normal, it will pass. Even if you ended up with this person you would eventually view them the same way you view your wife.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your response, anon. Indeed, yours was unlike the rest!
I believe that emotions can sometimes be the enemy. In this case, I could choose do what "feels" right and end up with nothing. Not only is that choice a risk I will not take, it is a choice that is selfish and will easily damage more lives than I can imagine.
I understand what you are saying, but I am no longer at the engagement stage, where I can simply call off the whole thing. Had I understood then what I understand now, it is possible that I would have called off the wedding, but not likely. I still would have concluded that we had a really good thing going, and that our relationship would get better after marriage. And it has, but so far not to the extent that would preclude feelings for other women.
I have no idea if my friend is the perfect match, and no where in these posts have I made such a claim. Granted, we have a very strong connection that I hope will sustain a lifelong friendship. But we have (self-imposed) boundaries between us, boundaries that were set from the start.
I once asked her why she was ok with being friends with me. She answered, because I was married. Then I asked, and if I wasn't married? She responded that she would be much more guarded. Translation - she does not worry that I would try to cross that self-imposed boundary. This is how I know where I stand with her, and it is a big relief. On the flip side, if she ever confessed a desire to have a romantic relationship with me, I would shut her down and then I would have to deal with losing a friend.
If I can turn my mind such that I no longer see adoration as such a major issue, I will be fine. On this forum I am hoping to see the magic words that will provide the perspective that I cannot see right now and will get my mind out of this rut.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you bagachips for your response - I appreciate the support.
You are right about keeping potential trouble further than arm's length. Fortunately my friend will be out of town for a long time (as in years) very soon, so there will be plenty of distance. But we are close, and I don't think distance will diminish that closeness. I have friends all over the world, and thanks to technology I never feel distant from them.
And I know that the feelings that I have for my friend I can have for anyone else. That is, she is not really the one that is causing me grief. I just wish I had these feelings for my wife. It's too bad I can't simply make it so. I am hoping that the passage of time will do two things - reduce these feelings for my friend and increase them for my wife.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2006): Dear friend, my answer is going to be different from the rest. We all have just one life. Right?
If I were in your shoes I would've tried to know the other lady's mind...how she feels about you, even if you think she would never let you in the door...and then take it from there. You get me? You sound as if you have found the perfect match for you and that you have never been 'in love' with your wife in the real sense.
Whatever, it's your decision...wish you the very best.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (6 July 2006):
 You ARE obsessing and not rationally thinking. Adoration? Nuts! You have what appears to be a very strong marriage, enjoy it. As a "perfectionist" you must have realized by now that nothing is perfect. Snap out of it and go give that wife a big kiss and hug. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you anon for your response.
What I question is whether or not I was ever in the "in love" stage. I am sure that my situation has an analogy to arranged marriages between people who don't bond because of lust but do so because over time they get used to each other and find that they make adequate (or even suitable) lifelong companions.
There was lust at the beginning, for sure. And there was also a strange dynamic of dependence - this comes from the baggage we both brought into the relationship. But I can't say there was adoration on my part because I was constantly dealing with the baggage. Somehow though we got through the baggage and I decided after four years together that she was the one who could put up with me and I with her. And so we upsized our commitment to each other through marriage. And today we are probably envied by many people who wish they could have half of what we have in our relationship.
I don't think we are at the stage that requires marriage counselling yet because for the moment this issue is in my own head, and our marriage is not in any visible trouble.
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female
reader, Bagachips +, writes (6 July 2006):
I try to resolve issues in relationships when there is no one at "arms-length" or a replacment to try to convince me otherwise to quit a relationship. If indeed there is a problem with your marriage, keep clear of anyone that is a potential. You'll feel so much better and have a clear understanding of everything that is going on.
If you have honestly tried to do your part in the relationship with no one to be replaced by your wife, then good luck with your decision, whether it is stay or go. Remember you married her for many reasons :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2006): oh dear well my7 dear iam in the same situation all i can suggest to you is to go to relate for some marriage guidan ce counseilling and see whter that helps and if the marriage can still be respolved
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male
reader, Withnail700 +, writes (6 July 2006):
 From what you say, it sounds to me like you were once very much in love with your wife. I think it is this fact which we should concentrate on, as this is the fundamental issue here. What I mean is, if you had true romantic love once and at that time in your life you wanted for nothing, then there is every chance you can find that love again. It will just require a litle time and effort.
I think there is a big dividing line between two people whom have never had love, and a couple whom have simply 'lost it' somewhere along the way. I have only very recently split from my girlfriend of two years - a lovely, sincere and very caring individual. She was a fine companion and a best friend to me, but what drove us apart in the end was the simple fact that I myself had always felt deep down that I'd never really loved her in the truest and correct sense of the word. I loved her very much as a person (in the same way I love my family and kin) but I was never really 'in love' with her, if you'll excuse the cliché.
It was a very painful parting this time (our fifth!) and was brought about by her discovering that I'd been in contact with another woman. But again, this is where that dividing line comes into play. If I knew for sure that I had at least once truly loved my ex-girlfriend then I would have done everything in my power to save the relationship and resist the tempataion to look elsewhere in the way that I did. But the simple fact in my own case, was that I don't really think I was ever in love with my ex to begin with, although as I said, I did love her as an individual. It can take time to work these things out.
You obviously have certain issues with your wife over her attitude etc, but I think if you truly did love her once/still do, then you can overcome these hurdles. If this is genuinely the case, then you must try and resist the temptation to think of the other lady in a romantic or sexual way. Put these thoughts to the back of your mind and channel the energy into improving your marriage. Who knows what you might discover! You might well find that that big 'family chip' on her shoulder quickly a new level of happiness you would have previously thought impossible. Best of luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply, Withnail700.
I have been analyzing this issue for months. The main thing about adoration is how it enables me to be very much in tune with a person. For example, it takes no effort for me to decide on gifts that I know this other person will like, while I have great difficulty in doing the same for my wife. Now, is this because my wife is extremely fussy (which she is), or am I not listening well enough? If it is the former, then I can't really do much except make her produce a list of potential gifts (which, thankfully, she actually does from time to time for the big events). If it is the latter, then why am I not listening well enough? Am I not putting in enough effort to listen? Is daily life so hectic that I am too busy to pick up on and remember the little clues? Or am I just being too hard on myself because I AM a perfectionist?
It's possible that I'm being too hard on myself. My wife and I lead very busy careers, and we try to schedule date nights, though these days we don't do it as frequently. We are well past the "in love" stage and are likely going to remain together for life. Not finding the right gift every time is pretty minor in the grand scheme of this relationship. And perhaps reconnecting with my wife cannot happen for the next while because we are so busy.
This other relationship has had spill-over effects on my marriage, and not all necessarily bad. I have come to realize that I don't need to have my wife as my companion, yet I choose to do so. This is an attitude change that allows me to set new boundaries on acceptable behaviour within our relationship. For example, my wife has a nasty streak that she sometimes lets get out of control. When she loses it, she will make a show of leaving the house. Up until the last episode I would try to persuade her to stay. The last time she did this, I let her walk out the door without a protest. This time, I thought, if she wants to leave and not return, we (as in my daughter and I) will be ok. She calmed down and came back, and I made her apologize to our daughter for the nasty things she said. But from now on, when she behaves this way, I will ask her to leave the house. One day it is possible that she might not come back, and that will be her choice. I don't feel guilty at all about this attitude change, and this may be good for my long term mental health and ironically for my marriage.
On the other hand I now see that my wife has a chip on her shoulder the size of a small country. Her brother has the same size chip, and they both get this attitude from their father who has an even bigger chip. Last weekend my inlaws came to visit and so we all spent time together, just like visits from times past. I love my in-laws, but for the first time I was pretty grumpy during their entire visit because I had little tolerance for all of these competing egos under one roof. I can attribute this grumpiness to my attitude change. I notice now how the chip on my wife's shoulder drives her behaviour, and I don't like it. I'll stop here because I could start an entire new thread on this topic alone.
In short, as big as this gap in my marriage seems to be right now, it may not be all that big. However, I still need to a find way to get this obsession about adoration under control.
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A
male
reader, Withnail700 +, writes (6 July 2006):
This is a very difficult one. I think it would be best to begin by trying to decide exactly what it is that is missing from your marriage. When you say you've never adored her, are you meaning that you've never really been in love with her? Is your marriage based more on the qualities and deep companionship and friendship than on true romantic love?
If this is the case, you will have to decide on just how much you need romantic love in your life, and whether you are willing to risk everything that you have now in order to find it? True love can be very elusive and is rare. When you say you feel emotions for this person that so far you have been unable to feel for your wife, are you quite sure that these feelings are not merely some sort of infatuation or crush? Or perhaps you are genuinely in love with her, in which case you really need to sit down and work out if what you have currently with your wife is enough for you; or whether you really do feel you need 'true love' in your life. But do bear in mind that if you choose to leave your wife and seek it, you may not find it. And you also say that this other female would never let you into her life in such a way. Is it really worth sacrificing all that you now have with your wife for?
I really think it is a matter of deciding what you want in life and what you are prepared to do to get it. If it's true love you feel you don't have (and need) perhaps the risk of getting it is too big. Or perhaps now you've seen this 'light' you feel you have to have it, and that your life would be far richer should you find it for the taking.
Or perhaps you feel you can inject 'new life' into your marriage - it's not beyond the realms of possibility. You could take her away on a romantic holiday or renew your wedding vows, basically make a gesture that may well lead to a new chapter opening up within your own marriage.
Whatever you do, good luck! Always remind yourself that it's you who have the power to change things and to make your own life a richer experience.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI should add that I am a perfectionist, and realizing that something is missing in the most important relationship of my life is disquieting to me.
There are little things that are not perfect in my marriage that I have been able to work around or even resolve, but this imperfection seems so big that I cannot see a way past it.
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