A
female
age
36-40,
*rcdlhaml27
writes:About a month ago, I dumped my boyfriend. Long story short, I simply wasn't happy. He wasn't necessarily abusive... it was because he had some emotional issues, manipulating, no motivation, and lack of direction and ambition in life. Plus he would guilt trip me, and he threatened to kill himself if I leave him. I'm happy that he's out of my life for good. After all that drama I dealt with, I have now took a vow saying that I will never get back into a relationship with anybody. I built a steel fort around me. I'm much happier being single. I have a lot of guy friends, however, if a guy actually looked interested in me and started telling me I'm beautiful, funny, etc. and asked me to dinner, I would get extremely uncomfortable and tell him, "I can't believe you are wasting your time on someone so worthless and ugly like me. Please go away and find someone better suited for you." Is this normal behavior? I hope I'm not thinking immature or something? Could it be cause I am emotionally scarred from my previous relationship?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): It's only been a month so give yourself time to get over what you went through. Quite truthfully, this is about as dramatic and extreme as the behavior your ex boyfriend pulled on you, notice the commonalities? This could be a good time for you to take a break from relationships to work on parts of yourself that are as destructive as what you saw in him. People attract people with similar problems.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): It sounds like a pretty typical reaction to getting out of a bad relationship...all except for telling interested guys, "I can't believe you are wasting your time on someone so worthless and ugly like me. Please go away and find someone better suited for you."
That is immature. I've felt the same way and had the same thought, but I don't think it's right to tell someone this... in a sense you are telling someone they have bad taste by liking you. You are judging yourself so harshly, that you end up judging them. Who are you to tell them who they should like and find attractive? If you keep on doing this, only two things can happen:
1) The men who do like you and respect you will be turned off because you disrespect yourself.
2) The only men who will gravitate towards you are the men who are similar to your ex and abuse you...because you suggest that's all you're worthy of.
Why not just tell them, "Thanks for the flattery, but I'm coming out of a really bad relationship and don't want to see anyone"
Dealing with men's interest without reciprocating IS really difficult. I haven't mastered it either. But I think it's best to be honest about your feelings rather than evaluate theirs.
Congrats on getting out of a bad relationship. It shows a lot of fortitude on your part, but if he treated you badly enough, why punish yourself further?
As for you vow, I made a similar one. It lasted about 5 years...It's not a real vow. It's a way of convincing yourself you have a command over your own fear. You are having a reflexive reaction to an awful experience and then insist that your reflex is a planned choice.
If you are a strong enough person to dump this guy and be meeting other people, you are a strong enough person to ulimately get over what you went through and meet and love other people. I think it is mature not to rush into another relationship. But I think you shouldn't punish yourself for the relationship you're coming out of. It wasn't bad enough?
Take care and good luck.
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A
male
reader, Cupid Boy  +, writes (14 February 2011):
 Ok, you had a bad experience once and now you want to be single for the rest of your life? And you base this on ONE guy? If you're just venting, that's understandable. But if you're honestly and clearheadedly saying you're done with all men because a single one of them was manipulative, does that seem fair?
"Once, I was treated badly by a black person. Now I absolutely refuse to associate with black people ever again." How is that significantly different from what you've said?
I could understand this type of reaction if he beat and abused you. But complaining about his lack of direction, motivation and ambition in life is like a guy complaining that his gf got fat. It may well be a reason to break up but it's not enough of a reason to swear off relationships completely. If you don't like people as "manipulative" as your ex, just be grateful you don't have to date women.
Others would try to learn from a bad experience and resolve never to repeat it. You could try the same so as not to end up with a guy like that again. There are lots of guys in the world who are the total opposite of your ex. I'm not sure why you wouldn't want to meet them. But I am sure your ex would love knowing there will never be another guy in your life to replace him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): Nothing strange about that at all. It's only been a month and after your recent experience it's better if you do spend some time single.
It's actually the healthiest state of mind after a break up, look around you. You see those girls that think they need a new guy straight away after their break up or they feel too lonely and want to go out and date to make themselves feel better? It always goes wrong doesn't it? They always just get themselves into another mess because they don't give themselves time to get over their break up. You'll be fine, this is normal especially after a month.
If in 2-3 years you still feel the same then that's a problem and you'll have to do something about it then. But for now you're doing the right thing and feeling the right kind of feelings they'll fade in a few months and you'll be ready to date again.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (14 February 2011):
 Now that you are (thankfully) out of your relationship with your ex boyfriend, its perfectly normal if you feel emotionally scarred by your experience with him. It might help to forgive him in your own mind for what he put you through.
I'm not saying this to mean you should get back with him: no, not at all! To forgive him (and you don't have to contact him to tell him you do, either!) is a way for you to begin to let go of any resentment, pain and hurt you still have - also its compassionate because it sounds very much as though he's not at all in a good place in his life, from what you tell us.
Back to you: What are you doing labelling yourself as worthless and ugly? Is this something new as a result of your previous relationship, or have you always felt this way?
Keep in mind that you are an individual woman with unique gifts. There is NOBODY in the world quite like you; no one else can bring quite the same point of view, offer the same kindness and courtesy to family, friends and strangers alike in the same way you can. It took many generations of grandparents to come up with YOU (as it has/does for all of us). Is your health good? What about your ambitions and goals for your life?
What would you say to a friend who was talking to you about how ugly and worthless she/he is? Think about it, and then apply those same thoughts to yourself - positive reinforcement.
About wanting to remain single: You are wise to choose not to get involved with any one else at this point. You need to heal from the last one for the next few months. Perhaps in time you'll meet a man who sparks your interest and you'll feel ready to (slowly) begin to go out with him and get to know him and see how compatible you both are. No need to rush, though! If you don't feel ready, then accept that.
If it comes to it that you really don't ever want another boyfriend in your life, that is also a valid choice. Meantime, why not enjoy companionship with the men friends you do have?
Hope this helps!
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