A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Husband's spending habits eroding marriageI have been a working actor for most of my adult life. I’ve never gotten rich from my work, but I’ve always supported myself, lived within my means and taken pains to save money whenever possible, both in a 401K and in a savings account that cushions me through lean months. Two years ago, I married a man who’s never paid attention to money. He was raised with the attitude that saving is pointless; money is for spending. In the relatively short time we’ve been married, he’s asked me for several loans, including $3,500 cash for his business (he’s self employed) and $20,000 for a business purchase on my credit card. On both occasions, he promised to pay me back immediately. In the case of the $20,000, I discovered that he had paid nothing on the card when I received the statement. His response: “Well, I guess you’ll have to take it out of your savings.” Only after I flipped out did he make a payment of $10,000. The other half is still outstanding; so is the $3,500. (I came into this marriage with $30,000; it’s now $8,000.)I know what I’m seeing is a lifelong pattern; his business partner has told me that my husband’s free-spending ways are threatening to topple the company. Meanwhile, my husband complains that his partner “rags on him with the same bullsh*t” that I tell him at home. To him, “living within your means” is meaningless; there is no higher good than living the way he wants to live. That lifestyle doesn’t include expensive sports cars (thank God), but I’ve discovered you can do plenty of damage without them. The conflict has gone into high gear since the purchase of our home. He swore up and down that, if I could put down the $10,000 in closing costs and took a personal loan from my family, we could afford it, with him contributing the majority of the mortgage (about two thirds of it). In the six months since the purchase, he’s come to me twice for $2,000 loans toward his portion of the mortgage. It’s clear to me that we can’t afford the house. Meanwhile, he can’t understand why I don’t want to go on a vacation this summer, one that would cost us more than $2,000.I don’t want to go into foreclosure, but what scares me isn’t losing the house; it’s his aggressively cavalier attitude toward money. When I told him that the house was depleting my savings, his initial response terrified me: Why don’t I ask my family for more money? And then: Or we could tap your 401K? (I have made it VERY clear these things will not happen.). He tries to shift the blame to me: If I was working more, we wouldn’t have this problem. Or he pretends there is no problem: I have $8,000 and he has $5,000 in checking, so what am I worrying about? (Never mind that the mortgage is nearly $5,000 a month. Or that he owes me money. And that we have to repay my family.) I know that I am a party to this scenario; I married the man, I agreed to buy the house. For better or worse. And despite all this money talk, I don’t care about material things. My car is 10 years old; I shop at resalers. I was happy in our rented apartment. However, his attitude toward money makes me feel as if I can’t trust him or his judgment. At the same time, I know he genuinely doesn’t understand what I’m banging on about – and has no interest in finding out because attaching meaning to money would certainly be less enjoyable than spending as he likes. This dichotomy is making me feel sick to my stomach, in a state of constant anxiety. I know there must be women who are comfortable living on the edge, but I’m not one of them. If I can’t live this way and he doesn’t see the need to change, what are our options?
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female
reader, Carina  +, writes (7 July 2007):
 There's no quick answer to this, but you have to get it sorted. It must be so stressful living like this and in the end it will destroy your relationship. Unfortunately your husband is one of those people who has never been taught the value of money and the need to budget. Whatever you do, keep your own money separate and don't let him talk you into borrowing from family or anyone. He has to see that there's an end to the bottomless pit and that the consequences are not pleasant.
The first thing you could try is to sit him down and have a calm discussion telling him it's not about the money but about the longterm effects on your marriage. Ask him if he's prepared to work with you to solve the problems. Make sure you don't openly blame him, but point out (calmly)that he's not been taught how to deal with money in a sensible way, although stress that this isn't his fault. Suggest that it's not to late to learn and that you could work on it together before it's too late.
If you can get him onside then you need to work out a budget together. There are some websites that help you do this. I imagine he usually avoids looking in depth at anything to do with your finance. That's his way of escaping from it: out of sight out of mind. Tell him you'll do a budget and he must too, and then you'll compare them and see where you're at. Try to get him interested in solving the problem. Point out that if you can figure out ways to save then in the end you'll both be able to enjoy more fun things.
If you've already tried all this, or if he won't listen then try to get him to attend a meeting with you with a financial advisor. Perhaps if a stranger tells him where he's heading financially he'll listen better.
You're going to have to be the strong one in this aspect of your marriage. I hope this helps a bit. All the best.
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