A
female
age
41-50,
*AChick
writes:I have been with my husband for 8 years, married for 2 years, upon which we moved in together after the wedding. Over the course of us living together, I began to notice he had signs of obsessive compulsive disorder. He would create rules around the house, such as I am not allowed to sit on the bed unless I have showered and changed into a clean set of clothes. I am not allowed to sit on any of the couches or chairs if I have been outside for fear I might contaminate them. He is constantly washing his hands and freaks out if his utensils should touch the dinner table, as it is viewed as dirty. He also requires that I wash my hands before bed, if I touch a cell phone. I could go on for days with examples such as these.A year after the wedding, I just couldn’t take it anymore and called a cognitive behavioral therapist. She talked to him one-on-one to assess the situation, and upon doing so she told me that she could not help him. He was adamant that he did not have a problem, and she told me to get any results, he would have to admit that he has a problem and want help. He thinks he is right to behave this way and puts me down when I challenge him. For the past year I have been struggling with this, most often following his rules because it’s draining and stressful for me to fight it. I have told him before that if he can’t change, I no longer want to be with him. He keeps telling me that it is ME with the problem, and if I loved him I would follow his rules. And if I love him I wouldn’t try to make him sick with contamination.I have now been living with this for the past 2 years and am not happy. I want to start a family, but have begun to realize that I don’t want one with him. He has been pressuring me for kids, but I feel that it is hard enough living with his rules and children would make it even harder. He says he will change once a baby is born, but I don’t have any confidence that it will change, since he already won’t change for me.I recently have been getting closer to one of my male friends, we get along very well, and I love him dearly. Now I am not planning to leave my husband for him or start an affair, but just being around him makes me realize that even if I choose to leave this relationship, I don’t have to be alone forever. In other words, being friends with him is slowly giving me the courage to do something about my situation and realize that there are other good guys out there. If I leave my husband, I plan to be single for a while so that I can heal. I’d like to meet and start a new relationship down the road in a few years. But I also feel very bad for abandoning my husband. When I took my vows, we said for better or worse, but I don’t know where to draw the line between honoring my vows and sacrificing my happiness. I also don’t think my husband would be able to find someone else that easily because of his OCD, and knowing that I abandoned him would cause me to feel a lot of guilt. Please help!
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affair, confidence, moved in, puts me down, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, LAChick +, writes (25 January 2010):
LAChick is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone!! Thanks so much for all of your responses. You guys gave me a lot of good ideas to try. I'm going to have a talk with him again, and by doing all of this I can at least feel like I tried everything possible, and if it works, I will be happy that I did :)Thanks again!!
A
female
reader, dorothy2342 +, writes (23 January 2010):
 To: Not My Name - I did not say Howard Hughes wasn't OCD, I was stating her husband, like Howard Hughes, might be germaphobic. Because not all individuals that suffer from phobia's are OCD as well. Sorry you took my words out of context. I hope this clairfies it for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010): Whatever is wrong with your husband, whether it is OCD, 'germaphobia', personality disorder (sounds less likely as you say it has only manifested over the last 2 years), he needs to first recognise that you have a problem with his behaviour and then realise that he does have a problem.
I think you should tell him that he has 2 choices. The first direction is with him continuing these rituals and you should tell him that if he goes on like this you can't guarantee you'll stay with him and certainly can't envisage bringing children into this environment.
The second option is for him to seek help, with whomever that may be. If he seeks help and gains insight into this strange behaviour he may be more reasonable around the house and things may become more tolerable.
'In sickness and health' is one thing - but both partners who ascribe to these vows need to act, i.e. he needs to help himself rather than relying on you helping/tolerating him.
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A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (23 January 2010):
 BTW Dorothy - Howard Hughes did suffer from OCD. The germ phobia is just one of the many multitude of ways that it manifests itself. :-)
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A
female
reader, Not My Name +, writes (23 January 2010):
Your right, he wont change for a baby simply because he can't. That is the nature of the disorder - overwhelming obsessive compulsion. Unfortunately tho, until he admits to having a problem, he can't even help himself.
My besty has OCD, as does her son, and her nephew, (there are indications of a genetic influence btw) all of whom I have spent a lot of time talking with about it, ..and all of whom tried to hide it at first until they literally broke down, could not take it anymore, and sought help.
The good news is, that whilst it rarely completely goes away (my friend says it is like a dog humping ya leg that wont let go no matter how much you try to shake it off) medication can bring about dramatic improvement in managing it, as can the CB Therapy and general psychology session.
My friend has had it for 30 years, and been on medication for the last 10. She still has up and down days (and stress etc will provoke it) but since seeking help she has gone from a near on basket case, unable to work, drive, walk down the street by herself, go out even with friends and family, keeping her house sterile like a operating theatre, etc,etc, etc (it manifests in so many ways) to now holding a job, being able to leave town with a few select people, able to take a holiday, able to let a bit of mess build up and have a dog in the house without freaking out, and best of all, even learnt to channel the obsession in to positive avenues.
Now she writes and records songs as she finds all the other things don't get at her so much when she focuses her compulsion in to doing it, has had radio play, radio interviews about the disorder, recently became an ambassador for an OCD foundation, and is going to be doing public speaking and singing performances at some charity events. It all still freaks her out each time a new challenge is put before her, but with good support, she plunders on jumping hurdle after hurdle that she never thought she could.
A good idea for a hubby in denial, would be to get a book of other people's accounts and how they have progressed since seeking help, ... it may just spark the idea in his head that you can combat this, that there is a better way to live, and he can have a slice of it if he too seeks help. He is probably actually more mentally exhausted trying to keep up with himself than you are trying to accomodate him!
You also need to educate yourself on the disorder as well, as i know one of the things from my own research (to better understand my friend) is that is not recommended for friends and family is to allow the sufferer to draw you in to their ritualized behavior. Not to go flick the light on and off for them, check the doors, oven, and whatever else for them, not to alter one's own behavior (like sitting on the counch and 'contaminating' the bed etc) as it allows them to NOT face and combat the illness.
To get a glimpse of what it is like for them - the way thoughts intrude, ... an excerice I once tried out of a book asked that I NOT think about a red bear for the next minute. Go on, try it, and see if you can get to the end of a minute without 'red bear' sneaking in there.
The harder you try to block it, the more you tend to think it, ...and it is this that is almost uncontrollable without medication and causes sufferes such anxiety, because what people usually don't know, is that all the repetative and fear based ritual stuff is only the visible part of the disorder. What they cant see is the thoughts that attack the person flat out. Thoughts they know are ridiculous, that they know are irrational, that they know they would never really do, ..but they can;t stop them anyway. Horrible thoughts too, ..usually about doing things to harm others or that they find morally repugnant. Coz sufferes are usually very soft and gentle people, they can get very very bothered by why such thoughts so out of character would even enter their minds and that starts a cycle of question themselves, loathign themselves, feeling guilty, and of course the more this happens the more they think the things that trigger it.
They also tend to have thoughts like if they dont do A, then B will happen (B usually being something bad befalling a loved one) and this further compels them to perform A to avoid B, lest they feel responsible and start to panic on the what if's. It really is a very cruel disorder that is very much misunderstood.
It helps for the suffere to learn to disassociate themselves, from ownership of the thoughts that plague them. If they can learn to view the thoughts as almost a seperate entity from a seperate source to their own morality, it becomes easier to tell them to piss off without getting affected.
Sorry that is all so long, but thought I would share a bit of insight about the nature of this coz it is not all about washing hands 100 times a day and that's it, as many people think. It is far worse and far more debilitating and can extend in to every area of a persons life.
If you can, don't give up him just yet, but stop playing in to his behaviour for starters and force him to confront it when you upset the apple cart by contaminating something, or wahtever, leave some literature around about it, talk to him anout how others have been helped to let him know their is some light at the end of the tunnel and pray that he decides to run towards it.
Goodluck Hun xxx
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A
female
reader, dorothy2342 +, writes (23 January 2010):
It doesn't sound like he has OCD. OCD has to do with his compulsive behavior, his routines, not what he is imposing on you, it sounds like he is germaphobic like Howard Hughes was. I think you have a right to be happy and honoring your vows are extremely important. I would suggest telling your husband your feelings as you have written in your post. Let him know how you value your marriage and how unhappy your are with your marriage now because of his phobia. Tell him he will have to seek help for his problem or you will be forced to leave him until he does. And do it if he refuses to get help. Good luck, God bless you both.
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