A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my husband of two and a half years has accepted a job as a cell phone tower climber and will be starting in two weeks. the job includes full benefits (which is a boost to my salary since we'll be dropping the benefits we have through my employer), lots of frequent flier miles, and quite a substantial amount of money per week. he's been unemployed for the past three weeks (was laid off; he was the highest paid employee and they told him they could no longer afford him), and it's been a struggle financially...so you'd think i'd be thrilled that he's found another job, especially since he'll be making more money than at his previous job. the problem is, though, the job requires him to be gone for three weeks, then home for a week. and no matter how much i know i should be grateful, i can't bring myself to be excited under those circumstances. i am sad, i am angry, i am scared. even though i know with all my heart that he loves me, part of me wonders, how could he? how can someone volunteer to miss out on over half of every month with the person they love?i'm basically just a complete basket case right now. i want to be strong and happy and supportive.,.but i just can't. i can't see anything positive about a job that's only going to give me my husband for 12 weeks out of the year. how can i get it together and be okay? what are some ways we can keep our marriage strong through this? we don't currently have kids (just a dog), but when/if we do, how can i make sure they have a good relationship with him?
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 August 2017):
 My father traveled a lot as well for my entire childhood, and while oftentimes he would leave on Monday and return on Friday, there were times when he'd leave for a month, or 3 weeks, or whatever, and would be gone out of state (or sometimes out of the country entirely. He spent 3 months in Germany once, and it wasn't easy on our mother either.
It's an adjustment, but what kept her sane was regular communication between them (they would call each other nightly even if it was for 5 minutes at times after my father's work was done. He was one of the few given a cell phone in the 80's (that thing was ENORMOUS!), and in the meantime, my mother both raised the 3 of us AND had a rich and full life of her own, so that instead of being at home being pissed off and lonely, we had adventures of our own. When my father would come home, it was always a blast, and we'd do something fun together.
I once asked my mom how she did it, and she said "in some ways, it made our love grow because we weren't with each other constantly running out of things to talk about".
That's not to say she didn't miss him. We had a 3 year period from when I was 11-14 that my dad didn't travel, and that was great, but I heard my mom tell him that she missed when he traveled sometimes because they didn't argue over stupid things like the toothpaste.
My case was different than yours because my parents' relationship began like that as well, with my father doing 2 tours in Vietnam and one in Thailand while in the military, so their courtship was done a lot by letter while he was gone.
It is an adjustment, and it won't be forever, but if you both are committed, it *can* work for the two of you.
I loved my father. My mom made the relationship with him and us good by not making his returns contentious. She talked about family issues during the nightly conversations, so she didn't spend hours complaining or venting when he did come home. They stayed in communication, and so when he was home, it was wonderful. He'd be home for a week or two depending on how long he had previously been gone.
Lastly, remember that it's not forever.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2017): Sometimes I may go places others dare to go. Sometimes in order to educate; I have to step on a few toes, and be a little deep. So here goes.
It is healthier for your marriage that you both experience some independence. You have reached a degree of possessiveness and feel love means tightly holding onto someone like property. You have become a little too dependent and have lost your sense of individuality; looking to a man or another person to make you feel safe. Like when your mother and father put you down and didn't carry you in their arms all day, or left you alone on the first day of school, you were preparing for this time in your life. Your cling must be broken.
Now comes the challenge in your marriage to teach you how to live on your own strength. To survive on your own energy, and to grow into complete womanhood. Husbands are not your property, or meant to own you. Men can be separated from their wives and partners without immediately going out to cheat on them; and it's about time your insecurities are tested. Been there, and I've done that. I survived.
You may not like my lecture; but what I am passing on to you has been tried and tested in my own relationships. I have to travel for my job, and my now deceased-partner of 28 years; was often gone for weeks to work at different locations for his law firm. He also traveled with clients, sometimes on the spur of the moment. We got used to it, and we always stayed in-touch. Technology has provided even better ways of maintaining contact then we had in the earlier days of our relationship.
Most fears women have of separating with their mates is his behavior without them there to keep an eye on him. Marriages and relationships need to be tested. People need space between them for the purpose of reminding them of who they are as individuals. Minus someone else to use to compensate for their own weaknesses and shortcomings. You have to run on your own steam. When you have to depend on a man to take care of you, what would it be like if he was suddenly taken from you for good, and you have to live on your own? Well, you have to keep your survival skills sharp; because he should feel secure that you'll be okay when he can't hold it all up by himself. My partner was taken by cancer. So I knew I still had to go on. I found love again. My new partner and I still have to travel for work, but it's still strong as ever. I handle it better, because Ive been there before.
My own dad had to travel, and my mother ran it all like a champ. We knew who our father was, we didn't forget him because he had to be away for a few days or weeks. All we had at that time was a phone. We had a beautiful big house, two cars, and lived in a beautiful neighborhood. My mom had the option whether or not to work outside our home. We took yearly family-vacations, attended good schools, and we all got college educations. To grow and increase your financial security, it takes these types of sacrifices. When my mother died of a brain tumor, dad raised us as a single-dad. He did have a nanny for my younger brother. He was only two when mom passed-away. He did a fantastic job.
So can it with that stuff about the kids not knowing him. If he wants his children to know him, he will make that possible. As did my dad. His father had to leave home to find work in another state during a national economic depression. Necessary for their family to eat, and to keep their land and home. He returned home, saved his farm, and his family remained in-tact.
Life and growth requires sacrifice and change. Your marriage will become a stronger bond through tests and challenges. Endurance comes from pushing yourself to the limit. You grow stronger and gain confidence. Things come along that will push your marriage, and to strengthen it. You will be happy to see each other upon his return. You just have to get used to it. There is nothing to fear. He loves you too. He will miss you as much as you'll miss him. If he doesn't, then that was a problem you should have been taking care of all this time. Maybe time away will help you grow closer.
If you're not sure of how he feels about you, how is his being around 24/7 going to help that? When he got laid-off, you got a little taste of how it feels to be the sole bread-winner. You passed that test! You know you can do it. It might be longer than three weeks the next time!
Now is the time to deal with your insecurities; and perhaps by providence and all the mighty forces of goodness, that time has come. You can't be a good mother, without the benefit of experience and knowing your own power and strength. If you have to survive on your own, fear will not be one of the challenges you'll have to overcome. You will know that, if necessary, you can survive and you can take care of your family by yourself.
Reconnect with your family, find crafts and hobbies that will occupy your idle-time; regularly go over the household budget, and make your financial projections and plans for the future. Read books to expand your mind, and for spiritual enlightenment. Embrace your me-time and peaceful solitude. I did all these things, and I made it. I've passed my wisdom on to my sisters, my lady-friends, my buddies, and now I pass this knowledge on to you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (5 August 2017):
 It's only a job. It is not a marriage contract. It doesn't have to be for life.
For the time being, he has a well paid job. Why not agree a time span for this job and, during that time, put away as much money as possible, or pay off your mortgage if you have one, or whatever it is that will make you more financially stable. If you know it is only for a certain length of time and is a means to an end, it may be easier for you to bear. You can tick off the months or the weeks on a calendar so you can see the time you have left. Or tick off the financial target so you can see your progress.
In the meantime, use the frequent flier miles to arrange nice breaks/holidays together when he is off and you can get time off from your job. Staying in contact is not difficult these days via phone/skype. Although you are dreading this time apart, the time you have together will be very special so make the most of it. It will keep your marriage very fresh if you both work at keeping in contact while he is away.
You never know. You may actually get used to this lifestyle in time. (Many do.) However, if you still hate it after giving it a fair chance, then agree he will look for a job which does not take him away from home. This may take a while but at least he will be working and bringing in money in the meantime.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 August 2017):
 I agree with Auntie BimBim,
it's NOT an easy life style but you two CAN make it work. My husband served in the military which meant he was away from home more than he WAS home. The longest was a 19 months deployment to Afghanistan, the shortest was about a week in the field. He served 26 years and we (as a couple) made it work for 17 years of active duty and now that he has retired it was almost odd to have him home every day/night. THAT was a big adjustment. But it IS possible to make things work.
Like Auntie BimBim suggested try and find some FiFo groups and talk to other wives.
Establish routines. Have set times for talking over Skype/Facetime. Support each other.
Again like, Auntie BimBim suggested, you set of routines for when he is in and one for when he is out.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 August 2017):
 Here in Australia this lifestyle is quite common, mainly in the mining industry, and is usually referred to as FIFO: Fly In Fly Out. I have two nieces whose husbands are currently on longer swings (shifts) working in South America and Egypt.
It is not an easy lifestyle for families, but there are a number of blogs about how to cope and what mechanisms should be put in place to ensure relationships and marriages remain strong and vibrant. From a quick google it would appear the most important thing is to have a routine established, and follow this when your husband is away AND when he is home. My googling also told me there is a facebook page for FIFO wives. Maybe check those out.
Good luck!
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