A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I am concerned about my husband's co-worker.I snooped through his email account this morning and found an email from her to my husband saying that if he was single and asked her out, she would say yes.I am very concerned about this. I find this statement to be bold and crossing a line of appropriate behaviour. Do you think I have reason to be concerned?And I saw that she emailed him late at night on several occasions and he answered her late at night, quite quickly in fact! I am concerned about this, too! I don't go around answering my emails late at night to just anyone!She is a younger than he is and I am afraid he is very taken with her. What am I supposed to do? I can't compete with her.
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female
reader, CuriousGirl616  +, writes (4 May 2013):
 Tell him this must stop immediately. Ask him whats going on with the two of them. Tell him if it doesnt stop it will jepordize your marriage
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): This is a very sensitive area, so I will do my best to offer sound and reasonable advice. Don't file for divorce just yet.
You are correct in your belief that the messages being sent to your husband are inappropriate. He is in violation of your trust by responding to a single woman who is sending suggestive messages late at night. He knows better than to encourage her by responding at all. They should have been immediately deleted. He should have told you about them. Although you found these messages inadvertently, you must intervene immediately. Sit down and plan this out carefully.
You didn't mention the contents of your husband's responses to the messages. He had better use his utmost care in carrying on with this woman. If she is his subordinate, he could be setting himself up for a sexual harassment case. She could use his communication against him, and she could also threaten him on the job with exposure. If her job is ever in jeopardy, she will use this as leverage.
Your husband is also walking a very fine line by accepting contact from a single woman. He a married man. Has he ever cheated in your marriage? Do you have ongoing issues in communication and problems within your marriage? Husband's stray when they are unhappy. Not necessarily because they are bad men. It may be hard convincing you and other women; but some souls are salvageable. Some sins are forgivable.
This woman is seducing your husband. He may never surrender to her advances, but he confirmed his appreciation by responding. The problem is, he did it in secret. He has betrayed your trust. He is placing his ego before his common sense. He is thinking with the wrong head.
You owe him an apology for snooping. He will no doubt use it in his own defense; but a weak one it will be. He is older than this woman. Being a man, he is flattered by the attention. His interest may only be driven by his male ego.
However; she will not be satisfied with that. One thing leads to another. She is calculating and manipulative. Calling at night, at intimate moments, stirs intrigue. Their private little secret. He gets aroused.
He will be angry upon notification of your snooping through his phone. He is a married man, and his property is your property; and vice versa. She has his personal phone number and has no reason to be contacting him for any reason outside of business. So anything said in retaliation to your snooping, in this case, is moot.
You're in a touchy situation. You can't be accusatory or hysterical. You must be calm and assertive. You are a wife defending her marriage. Nothing has necessarily happened, but there is a violation. A woman is intruding on your marriage and receiving feedback to her advances.
keep a cool head about you. Practice damage control. Your reaction can trigger a multitude of negative responses that you aren't really looking for. You do not want to alienate your husband. This woman knew you would find the messages. She also knows you would hit the roof when you did. This would cause a huge rift, and he would disengage and retreat. He will avoid confrontation as men do when we're caught. He will feel extremely guilty; but play tough to save face. He'll try in every way to turn this around on you. Be prepared for that. If you hadn't been snooping...
blah blah blah! Why are you going through my phone messages...blah blah!
You confess that you did a very wrong thing by intruding on his privacy. Had you not, you would not have known of this text messaging. You waited for him to inform you; if he felt he was being inappropriately approached by a woman on his job. Your concern is that he was not forthcoming. That is your problem with all this. Then you ask him why he didn't squelch this in protection of the sanctity of your marriage? This is an issue you both approach and resolve together. It directly affects you; because it involves your trust and your feelings.
Do not expose your anger or blow your cool. Do not be accusatory. Do everything in your power to keep this calm and controlled. No matter how dismissive, or condescending you may find his response to be. He will deliberately try to make you feel as though you were overreacting, and give himself an excuse to discontinue talking about it. Don't hand it to him. If he walks away. Tell him, closing himself off to you makes you feel he does not love you. Then end it there. Do not follow him around. Give it a rest. It's already on his mind. He can't dismiss it. It's out in the open.
He is like a little boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar. So you should envision that image in your head while addressing the issue. Ask him if there is something he is unhappy about in your marriage. Isn't that the real issue?
Is there something lacking that he doesn't trust you enough to let you know?
These questions are directed at you:
Have you closed yourself off? Do you nag, push, or cling?
Do you force him to say "yes" to things; when you know he really wants to say "no." Do you value his opinions? Do you listen when he tries to tell you things? Do you avoid serious discussions, or get emotional when he is honest and firm with you? Are you always going through his private things? Are you an insecure person? Do you have problems with your self-esteem and self-image? Do you allow him time to do things he really likes to do? Does he always have to include you and have no "me" time? Are you passionate in bed? Do you offer him sex as often as he wants it? Are you experimental sexually with your husband? Do you carry grudges for days on-end? Do you punish him with silence?
If you can answer "yes" to at least three of these questions. You have problems to workout in your marriage.
I am not asking you to blame yourself. You have to get to the root of all this. There is something that would bring down his defenses, making him susceptible to the advances of another woman. You need to find out what it is. That's how you address the problem and save your marriage. You don't go screaming and ranting like a crazy woman. Attacking him in a fit of rage. You give him Mr. Spock. This is a reference to a character in an American science fiction series. Google it if you must.)
Be all logic and no emotion. He would be surprised at your strength and maturity. It will set the tone for the discussion, as well. If you are all calm and collected, he would have no excuse to run away.
My advice is to keep this short and on point. It should not become a big fight. It should not send you both running to opposite corners of the universe. In fact, it should bring you closer together. There is something that needs fixing, and fate gave you a wake-up call. Convince yourself to see this in a positive light. Though it might seem impossible for now.
I am sure that the advice of women betrayed will be altogether different from my response. I sense that you want to know how to properly address this. You also harbor a little guilt. You're sorry you snooped, you're sorry about what you found, and you're torn apart knowing your husband is being pursued by another woman behind your back.
If you handle this calmly. You can avoid unnecessary commotion that will throw you off track. You want to know how he plans to handle this situation. You want to know if there is anything wrong between you and your husband that needs to be addressed. He needs to validate your concerns by telling the truth and opening up to you.
His first reaction is to tell you nothing happened. Accept this and allow him to talk. Force yourself to stop talking and listen. LISTEN! You don't ask questions for the sake of argument. You listen for answers.
You have a right to feel betrayed and angry; but only to a point. He was not caught cheating. He was caught in the midst of a "flirtation." (You should say these very words.)
Then ask him, is your jealousy justified? How would he feel if the situation was reversed? How would he handle this, if some man on your job was texting you at night? Now listen.
End the conversation without showing anger. Put on the best act you could ever summon within you. There should be no extended conversation regarding this issue. The point is to get him to think. To evaluate the importance of his love and fidelity to you, and his marriage. The risks he is taking both domestically and professionally. You don't have to heap any guilt on him. That will arise the minute he is aware you've found out. Trust me.
I know you are only human and subject to your emotions. You have to avoid emotionalizing in order to avoid distractions that will throw things into chaos. Find a way to work off the anger. Kick a pillow. Punch the arm of the couch. Scream in the bathroom with the door closed. Then go talk to your husband.
Please give us an update.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (3 May 2013):
 Talk to him. Tell him that you find it inappropriate for him to be emailing female co-workers late at night - you dont mind him having work friends but time at home is for you to spend time together, not for him to be having late night conversations with other women.
I'm sure he would be unhappy if you were texting or emailing younger male colleagues late at night, so he should understand that he is over-stepping the line.
I wouldnt mention that you have seen the email just yet, while it is 100% crossing the line she emailed him with that question, rather than him initiating the conversation. So he's not really done anything wrong, and your snooping is worse than his actions at the moment.
Just tell him you are not happy with the late night emails and would prefer that he kept his contact with his work friends during the day while he is at work, so he can make time for you when he is at home.
See how that goes and see if the contact between them cools down. If he continues or just tries to hide it better, then you have more of a reason to be concerned.
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