A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband can’t keep an erection but is in complete denial that he has a problem. I’m so frustrated that I’m getting more and more tempted to try and cheat with an old friend each day. It’s been an issue for the best part of 5 years now ever since I had our youngest child. I can probably count on one hand the number of times he’s kept a properly strong erection and been able to make me orgasm through full sex. It’s ridiculous as we’re both only in our early thirties. But like I said before, he doesn’t think he has a problem. Apparently it’s ‘normal’ for a man to struggle so much in the bedroom especially as he gets older. But he’s 32, that isn’t old at all. Don’t get me wrong, I love him to death and I couldn’t ask for a better Dad to our two kids, but our sex life is in the gutter. It usually goes the same way each time, he’ll get really hard during foreplay but lose it almost instantly as we get to full sex. I always keep thinking ‘is this finally gonna be the night?’ But no. We both try in vain to get him hard again and when that fails he resorts either to oral or more foreplay to help me orgasm. It does feel good but it’s not the same as an orgasm through sex. I then make him climax with a hand job, though he barely has a semi each time. There are rare occasions where his semi is just about good enough to help him climax through sex but it’s never really satisfying for me. In fact I can barely feel it. I can tell he feels really embarrassed when he loses it and it can be really soul-destroying for a man, which is why I’ve tried to be as patient and understanding as I can but there’s only so much I can take especially when he doesn't want to address it. From my perspective it makes me feel like he doesn’t fancy me anymore. I did put on a bit of weight after having our children so I had all those insecurities but I’ve been working out for the past year and lost it all. In fact I’d say I’ve never looked better. I really think I’ve got myself a hot bod and he thinks so too, but it makes no difference in the bedroom. The key thing most 'sexperts' advise online is that we communicate with each other but he just doesn’t want to. I ask him if he’s ok or if he feels like he needs help or something bothers him when we try to be intimate but every time he says no. I ask him if he can think of any reason why he always loses it, if he gets performance anxiety etc but again, I just get hit with a brick wall of denial. ‘It’s a guy thing’, ‘it’s normal’, ‘I’m tired’, ‘I’m just having an off day’. An off day? This isn’t just an off day, it’s YEARS. I don’t understand how he can just brush it under the carpet every time. At the very least I know it can’t be a physical health problem as he has no problem actually getting an erection, it’s just keeping it that’s the issue. I do think it is performance anxiety related but again he’ll never admit it or want to talk about it. Part of me thought our sex life was just boring and stale so I’ve tried all kinds of different ways to spice things up. I’ve tried lingerie, I’ve tried shoving the kids in bed early and surprising him when he gets home from work. I even offered to let him do anal, something he’d always really wanted to try but I’d always said no to. Again, the enthusiasm was there from him but when it came down to it, he was a let-down each time. The anal attempt was just embarrassing as well, he couldn’t get anywhere near hard to enough to even get it in. On our anniversary a few weeks ago I gave in and bought Viagra just so we could have a guaranteed good night of sex but he refused to take it, saying he didn’t need to. I said over and over that I didn’t mind and all I wanted was for us to have a good time but he was adamant he’d be fine without. And it doesn’t take a genius to work out how it went. He was in a horrible mood afterwards as well and it ruined the whole evening. I’d never contemplated cheating before, but a couple of months ago an old friend I used to hang about with all the time in my teens and early 20s got back in touch out of the blue. I say friend, but we actually have a bit of history. About 11 years ago, long before I met my husband we nearly had sex behind his girlfriend’s back. It’s a long story, but basically the jist of it is that we’d been flirting for ages behind her back and kissed in a nightclub. Then we met up one morning at his house whilst she was at work a few days later. I can’t say anything else other than we were young and dumb. We got as far as me giving him oral and him touching me whilst we were sat on the living room couch but I lost my nerve when he suggested we move to the bedroom and stopped it before it went any further, even though I was sure I wanted to go all the way with him when I turned up. We both tried to keep it a secret but somehow my ex managed to find out about it and told his girlfriend completely out of spite, and as you can imagine it all kicked off. I was friends with his girlfriend, though we weren’t that close. She dumped him at first but got back with him after a couple of weeks, of course though he had to cease all contact with me which he did. I did apologise to her after we awkwardly bumped into each other in town one day a few months after and we cleared the air, though we could never be friends again for obvious reasons. I did find myself thinking about him a lot though and always had a tinge of regret that we didn’t have full sex that day. It’s something that always stuck with me until I met my husband. However now this guy has got back in touch with me it’s stirring up loads of old memories. We just got on like a house on fire as friends and had so many good times. We bounced off each other most of the time and I was so sad to lose him as a friend, though I knew it was all my own doing. However now he’s back in touch again it’s just given me a spring in my step again. I just get so excited whenever he messages me. He’s completely single as well having broken up with the girlfriend in question a couple of years ago. I have told my husband about him messaging me before you ask, and he’s really not bothered about him. All our chats have just been as friends so far and talking about old times, but part of me wants him to talk about THAT morning again or to try it on with me. He probably thinks it’s a no-go area as I’m married, and rightly so. But I just keep thinking ‘Flirt with me, go on.’ I get so tempted to flirt with him or bring that time up but keep bottling it every time. And just like before, I find myself thinking about him a lot. The other night I had a dream we were in bed together and when I woke up I was so turned on I had to go downstairs and relieve myself. I can't deny it, my resolve is crumbling and the temptation to stray just gets stronger. I'm 33 years old and nowhere near ready to call time on my sex life. I just don't know how much longer I can take of my husband living in denial about his erection issues and it stopping him from making me feel wanted and satisfied.I know it's completely selfish of me, but I can't help. It's just the way I feel. I can honestly say that I feel like it's only a matter of time before I start flirting with this old friend again, and look how that went...Any advice would be wonderful.
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male
reader, Bugs bunny  +, writes (27 May 2021):
I had an accident that broke my back. Recovered but have had long standing issues as a result of 8 back surgeries. I had ED for many years. Same situation as your husbands. I pleasured my wife the only way I could. Fingers, tongue, toys etc. whenever she wanted and I initiated frequently. I could not have penetrative sex w her and it hurt me deeply. I would have been hurt beyond words if I knew she was thinking and doing what you’re about to do. I tried every pill made for ED w no results at all. We were also in our 30s. Same situation as y’all. After several years of this my dr recommend penis injections for an erection. I did not want to. I gave in because she deserved it. It hurts like hell but I inject medication directly into my penis to get an erection. W that said I can not have an orgasm so it’s purely for her enjoyment. Whether he wants to address it or not is his business. I can tell you it made feel less of a man even though I desperately wanted to make love to my wife. I could not.it made me furious and I did not want to talk about it because it reminded me I was no longer a man that could make love to my wife though I desperately wanted to. It was too much to handle. Either divorce your husband and find a lover who gets hard or love your husband as is. He does not deserve to be cheated on for something that is not his control. It will ruin him as a man, as a husband and a father because when he finds out he will divorce you then rarely get to see his child because you were so selfish you only thought about your sexual needs. He can not help his condition and if he were to stay w you when he finds out it will make it even worse. Do not punish him w cheating over this issue. Leave him or stay and love him. If I knew my wife had been texting an old flame w hopes of him flirting that would lead to sex I would have divorced her. You are pushing your luck and putting your marriage at risk for an hour of pleasure. Unless sex is so good you continue and make it a habit which it will because your husband still can’t get erect. Then you won’t even try anymore w your husband because you can get it elsewhere leaving your husband w o any affection from his wife whatsoever. So it won’t be a 1 time thing because you will still crave sex and the only man who could give it to you would be your lover and the affair will be longstanding. If you love your husband at all you will stop communicating w this man and let your husband please you as he can. Your playing with fire and your child will be the one that really gets hurt over this because daddy won’t be around and only see him on weekends.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2021): It seems like the long explanation of your husband’s inability to stay erect is all to lead towards us feeling sympathy toward the fact that you want to be intimate with this old friend, who, let’s face it, was a bit of a poor boyfriend to his then girlfriend, never mind friend. It’s good that you feel like you have a spring in your step because you have reconnected with someone you used to like, but to hold onto this when you are married, as if your husband’s problem somehow makes it easier for the reader to understand is not quite right. If you have an added feeling of sexual frustration because you find it difficult to be intimate with your husband, then I can see that part. But you are being selfish if you are only half contemplating something really happening with this other guy because the quick fix for sex will come at the expense of your entire relationship. Also, I find it more than a little odd that you effectively cheated on your friend with this man who you now desire all these years ago, and you say you apologised, even though you not only had ‘planned’ to go all the way when you first arrived at his that day, but even now you wish he would bring up the event so that things will tip towards something happening- again, cheating!!! If your husband doesn’t care if you text this man, does that make it ok, knowing how you feel? If he knew what you really thought, what you mentally ‘planned’ would he be ok with it? And hey, even if he was supposedly ok, that he said “go ahead and do with another man what we cannot do” would you really feel vindicated? How are you setting an example to your kids by being unfaithful? Would you have liked it if someone had cheated on you in your late teens with your boyfriend on their couch? Would you like it if a woman had her eyes on your husband, ready to get into bed with him when your back was turned, because her own partner had issues? Right… Sometimes feelings are wrong. Acting on those feelings could cost more than you know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2021): Oh dear. Really thinking of cheating? Sit down and evaluate your life please!! Have you gone back in time? Are you 18 again? Yes, I’ll admit: we all get fantasies, weird dreams, thoughts we either indulge or cannot control, but you are married!! I even understand how you sometimes have to go and ‘relieve yourself’ of the frustration and tension, you are flesh and blood, BUT this is a massive and very dangerous thought that you are entertaining and you are NOT single anymore, and you are not thinking clearly. It’s a high price (your entire relationship!) to pay if you just want what many consider ‘a good time’ although, in thought, well i understand the thought part even though you need to rise above that, the action part is a mile away and a terrible road to go down. So, while I applaud your honesty and vulnerability in this matter I would suggest not thinking solely of yourself and for goodness sake, finding out what the route cause of your hubby’s issues are. That’s a sensitive subject, so who can say, but maybe he’s nutritionally deficient in something or something is making him emotionally detached; its rare that a man opens up to you 100% and women often think they are the only ones holding back from their partner when that is not true. The worst thing you can do is to make your husband feel small or unsexy, and to run to another man, be it from your past or not. What would happen if Mr Past had his way with you anyway, and then went off and entered into another relationship. Would you feel used? Sad? Jealous? Foolish? Do you imagine in your mind that you will jump into his arms and you both will go off and leave your husband in the dust while having a magically enjoyable time? I’d even the best sex worth your marriage and family’s terrible pain? And i can’t imagine that you would come away unhurt unless you are a machine or utterly numb (doubt that!) so it’s best not to go in this direction. Please separate your fantasies or dreams from reality. What’s past is past. Part of growing up and being a wife, mother, or maybe even just someone in their 30s, is that you have grown since you were in your early 20s.. Sounds a little like a mid-life crisis to me, but then your poor husband is part of that crisis, because he’s a huge part of your life, and technically his problems are your problems too if you are going to behave as married adults and not two separate people.. Be polite and kind to your old friend, but do not encourage flirting knowing fully how you are prone to feeling. You need to wake up, not drag your brain into fooling you even more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2021): Tell him he must go to the doctor.He must be checked out.Many serious things could be wrong with him.This is a symptom that you should not ignore.The big c word cancer for example.Do not cheat until you are divorced...You do not want to named an unfit parent do you?But really doctor now or leave him.Letting things go like this can make it worse.He must go to the doctor.Give an ultamadeium and stick to it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2021): Does he masturbate or watch porn? If not he needs to see a doctor. I had trouble telling my man doctor. By chance I got a women doctor when he was out. I told her my problem. I had just flew through a Stress Test, she got me a sample pack and a prescription for Viagra. I was going at like a porn start 2 hours later. I was 55 then. Probably around 50 it started to go south. Different age for different guys. Not sure how you bought Viagra but he should see doctor. Your BJ buddy. Don't go there. You're too smitten. He's single, not a FWB candidate. But if he doesn't take steps to get better, consider a different discrete solution. 33 is way to young to not have joyful sex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2021): Get a sex toy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 May 2021):
 You do know that cheating won't FIX anything. It might catch an itch FOR YOU but then comes the guilt and the wanting more, the no longer having trust in your partner or your casual sex partner either. It's a slippery slope right off a 500-foot cliff. THERE IS no upside to cheating long term.
Yes, you will get some sex... OK. And your marriage will be over. Even if you don't tell him. At some point, he will find out, and then what? You will be the one who broke his heart in a million pieces. YOU will be responsible for the misery and mess it will create.
You are not OWED good sex. Yeah it's nice when you and your husband HAVE it and can MAINTAIN it (some couples can but I think long term it's always with an ebb and flow.)
Tell your husband that you are miserable sexually. That you WANT him to go get a health check. That it doesn't make him LESS of a man to talk to a doctor because he did can't stay hard. It TAKES a man to OWN that he has an issue with maintaining a correction and then figuring out how to fix it, if possible.
He can look TOTALLY healthy and have heart issues that he doesn't know about. A healthy guy in his 30's should NOT have issues here unless there is some underlying reason. You might be hot now, and be fit but... you might not be as tight as you were (I mean WHO is after giving birth? Even with regular Kegels). (not saying it's your fault, just FYI)
You need to nip this "friend" and flirty shit in the bud and right now. It's NOT OK. You would NOT want your husband to do that IF you were the one who no longer could perform sexually. Be honest.
But you DO need to have a talk about how you miss ACTUAL intercourse and that HE needs to see a doctor because YOU do not want to stray and you want that GOOD sex back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2021): If somebody tried to force medication on me out of the blue and for a non-threatening condition, I wouldn't be "in the mood" eitehr. Not cool!I know from experience how frustrating your situation can be, but cheating is defininately not going to help.On the other hand, you might want to tell your husband you have lost all patience and are *tempted* to cheat. That might induce him to face his his (or both your) obvious problem and decide to take action.If he won't get help and you cannot stand it any longer, at least end the relationship first before climbing into another person's bed.As an aside, how can you be sure thar there is no underlying condition? Has he been checked by a physician or a therapist? Just because he does not complain does not mean he is well.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (12 May 2021):
 I just hope that I can get through life without someone loving me to death in this fashion.
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