A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for 5 years this summer, but together for 7 and we have 3 and one on the way. He wont quit looking at the porn and he has even saved pics of these women on his side and added them as an avatar on a game he plays. I have told him how i feel and he has told me what he does is none of my business and does not care how about how i feel. Awhile back I almost tried to commit suicide by overdose it did not work because I could not do it and hurt my children. I think about dying a lot. I feel horrible. I don't feel sexy or anything. Of lately the only sex he has been wanting from me is a blow job. I have decided I can not give him anything else since that is all he wants anyways. Plus, I don't want him to see me naked anyways. I don't even want to be close to him. I am not really out there in fat ways. I do feel fat though. I hate my body. Then today I found out he was searching for an ex on the internet and he has done this before years ago. I know he still has feelings for her. I cannot take this anymore, but I cannot leave. What do I do to help myself, because no matter how I dress or what I do sexually I cannot receive his attention. All he does is stay on the computer. He even talks to the women on the internet. I just don't understand why he would want to hurt me so much. He told me before he would quit, but only if I would quit looking and buy some toys and lingerie. I did all of that and he still would not quit. I gave of everything to be with him. Yet he cannot even give up this. I feel as though if I don't get help in the next couple of years I will parish. I don't have money to get couseling and my husband would not go anyways.Does anyone have any advice on how I can make it through the day? get over this?
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female
reader, Lunabella +, writes (5 November 2008):
 Funny how so many women have the same problem. My husband used to communicate with his ex girlfriend from college and talk about sex with her. (She is a psychologist by profession, married with a little boy.) He also used to instant message women online and exchange emails with them so that he can talk about his fetish with them. He used to also buy porn online and order DVD's through Paypal, stay late at work and view them behind my back.
I feel your pain and know what it is like to want to die. I feel that often too.
I'm hot by many men's standards and I also am happily eager to play with my husband. I love sex. I'm also seen as intelligent, creative, physically active and funny. I work full-time too and make dinner and do the laundry and chores. When it comes to the competition with the porn though - he tells me that I am too needy because I am always wanting his attention. He resents me and mocks me and says that I only allow him to look at me. I've written erotic stories for him, but they don't interest him. I've even posed for photos and movies, but the footage remains untouched in the camera.
I think that women are dumbfounded because we don't want to look at anyone else, yet our partners do. We want to fill our worlds with our spouses or lovers and our mates enjoy looking at others for physical arousal. We don't and don't understand how we can be satisfied with one person and they can't. That hurts big time.
My husband and I have been to therapy and now he hides his porn viewing from me. He says he has to because it upsets me too much. Now he has to do it in private. I honestly think that he is getting older and he needs it for visual viagra. Men don't want to talk about this because it is embarassing. Perhaps your husband has a sexual dysfunction issue - like he is afraid that he is going to lose his vitality and youth -aka - ability to function like an 18 year old.
What is odd, is that my husband tells me that he loves me all of the time and thanks me for all the things that I do. He isn't lyeing - he just likes his privacy and independence and doesn't want me to control him.
We have no children (by choice) and I thought that would enable us to have more time together, but it does not. It saddens me greatly. I'm a mere 34B and he likes his double D darlings. He is always too tired to make love at night, but still likes to see his babes doing his fetish. We only do it once on Saturday morning - maybe Sunday because he is too tired. I'm not overbearing or smothering either. I'm a reader and do things by myself and with friends. I see him very little during the week nights because he stays late at work. He's a high school teacher.
I wonder . . . if we just said straightforwardly to our men, "Hey, I am unsatisfied emotionally and sexually. What shall we do about that?" This way, it is not a matter of jealousy, but it is a matter of facts. My husband would tell me that I am an attention whore, but speaking with other women online, I am getting the idea that I am normal - not exceedingly needy like he would have me believe. I think he is trying to make me feel guilty for his actions. Isn't HE the needy one after all? I mean, I am not the one needing porn. Zheesh.
A
female
reader, TehWife +, writes (8 September 2008):
 Like Emily said- at this point its seems rather "stay" or "leave". I understand with children it makes it harder to leave- money, home, ect... There are ways around that. The state can help with money (it's hard not to feel guilty about taking checks , but you've paid taxes, now you'd just be getting some of it back till you can get on your own feet.) There are resources out there to help you- if you could find this site i have confidence you can find other that can help you.
If you stay- no one knows your relationship the way you do: listen to yourself, even if you don't want to hear it. Just, make healthy decisions; don't try to make him jealous by dressing like a tart if all it does is make you feel cheap... plus jealous is a short term attention getter.
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict  +, writes (28 April 2008):
 I think the difficulty is more his attitude to you than the fact he's looking at porn.
Computer sites are addictive - and yes, it's not like porn but since I found the DearCupid site and started writing replies a few weeks ago, my partner has been complaining that I'm not paying any attention to him in the evenings. I'm aware of it. I'm dealing with it, but yes, the "interaction" of the Internet is definitely addictive.
From what you say, I really don't think it's just the porn that's the problem with your husband. You say he has added a porn pic as an avatar to a game he plays - so he's playing games, not just looking at porn. It's not an addiction to porn; it's more than that.
Let's start with the porn. Try to work out what sort of porn he's looking at, and then you might have a better idea of why. It's rarely just that it's naked women or that it's naked women doing sexual things. It's something else that he gets from that and not at the moment from you. Is it women with a particular attitude? Particular clothes? Doing particular things? You need to know, because whatever is lacking that makes him look at this may be something you can give him and enjoy giving him.
Whatever else it may be, it's not you, not your looks, not your body and not anything you've done or not done. It's certainly not his ex. That's a symptom, not a cause. He's not going to tell you what it is, because in all probability he doesn't know himself. You have to work it out yourself, and you will - if you want to and if you have the energy and strength to do it. It's all very unfair, of course, because he has caused the problem not you. It's just that he is not going to break these habits, and no one except you is going to make him do it. If the relationship was ever worth having, then now is the time to fight for it, and there WILL be an answer, I promise you. You just have to find it.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (28 April 2008):
This guy tells you openly that he does not care how you feel.
So you can either stay with him and be a doormat, or you can leave. There is no way to magically make him a caring wonderful guy.
Go to your doctor and get help about your feelings though. You should not be feeling fat or suicidal.
Get help and get a life without this idiot.
Good Luck!! xx
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