A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Thank you for the help given at http://www.dearcupid.org/question/husband-wants-me-to-use-very-abusive-language.htmlRegarding the abusive language, my husband actually wants me to be abusive to him in public but I find it odd. He wants it full-scale in public wherever we are, not whispering.As for the romantic weekend, it's not so much sexual, it's just for the romance, as due to having a son we have not had much time to be romantic - with things like homework, school pocket money, the daily grind etc.To the person who said "He also states he would not be abusive himself does that mean if you were to ask him to do what he has asked you he would not do it?", well he would do it, but very reluctantly. He would carry out most of my sexual fantasies, although to be honest fantasies aren't much my thing and he knows that!Also, to the person who said "The bottom line is he likes it and well he is not asking you to do it all the time 24 hrs a day 7 days a week" - well he IS asking me to do it 24 hours a day 7 days a week, for the entire duration of our romantic week (not a romantic weekend!)I've told my husband this seems like a bad idea but he's insistent I should use abusive language and be abusive to him in public as it's far better than going to a dominatrix, he said!He's still insistent that I do it during our romantic week together and won't relent.How do I deal with this?Lauren
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2009): Hi
Your choice....but have you even considered OTHER PEOPLE who might just not want to HEAR bad language or see abuse?
Do you want people to respond negative to YOU if they witness this?
your Sex life should not be forced onto other people..if he wants you to humiliate him..do it in your space.
via con dios.
A
male
reader, Tomas  +, writes (7 March 2009):
Gina hit the key point.
Does he accept that this is a romantic weekend for *both* of you? How does he feel about the fact that this makes you uncomfortable? Is he willing to compromise, for example trying things out in private to find out whether it is something you could come to enjoy over time?
That's the "meeting halfway" question. Is he willing to meet you halfway.
Next, if you tried being abusive to him publicly, and one day in you felt terrible, and were crying back in the hotel room, how would he feel? That's not so much a question for you, but rather for him.
The dominatrix comment is passive-aggressive, and he should be called on that. It is appropriate to state your needs and wants, and to discuss them and try to find a way to make everyone happy. He though is threatening what is arguably adultery (seeking another woman for sexual arousal), when he hasn't demonstrated a willingness to work with you, at your pace, on this.
One could argue that he is not being abusive, just reminding you of the consequences of a relationship failing. But nobody needs reminding of that, especially in a situation like this. Sure he is ultimately free to go outside the relationship. But you are also free to leave him.
Not that I would counsel escalation. Rather, saying you love him, that you are willing to work with him to give him things he wants, even if they make you uncomfortable, but he has to meet you halfway, and be understanding if you find you can't do them. You understand that both of you are always free to leave the relationship if you can't get enough of what you want from it, and you hope it doesn't come to that, and his making threats about dominatrices doesn't help the situation. Then, asking if he is willing to talk about what he could do to meet you halfway.
That'd be my approach. Best of luck. And if you take any one thing from this, let it be that you should not feel bullied by this -- don't act out of fear of losing him. He should be just as afraid of losing you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2009): Wasn't dominatrix one of the gauls in Asterix?
think he wants to be dominated - for what ever reasons. However you haven't really said how you are. I would say to him NO, not in public. If you feel like it then do it in private. Start of light maybe bondage \ blindfold then tease him and tell him how bad he is. (you can whisper this)
think that would be acceptable gentle start if you are new to this sort of thing. But really the key here is what do you want to do?
Hugs star.x.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2009): Does he realize you can get arrested for at the very least disturbing the peace? It's crazy! I can understand fulfilling his fantasies behing closed doors...but be careful out in public! Someone could call the cops and this whole fantasy thing can cause a mess!
Think of the consequences and have a long talk with him!
Abuse is Not romance!
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