A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm 42, and my husband's 38. Has he recently hit a midlife crisis or something - he's started going to clubs with teenage kids 18 - 21, going to the gym, eating out every night, and smoking and gambling a lot, and even dresses like a 20something lad!He's now even planning on going to Ibiza with his teenage friends next year!!I've asked to meet his new young friends, but he won't let me. He said they're mostly guys, only about 6 girls, but he still won't let me meet them.Is he having a major midlife crisis or something??Talking to him got nowhere, he was trying to encourage me to live this 'social life' with him!Questionable is more the word to describe this social life.I worry about whether we'll have enough retirement money etc. the way the economy's going.I make a lot of money - I'm a businesswoman who works for a major group of motor dealers here in the North West of England. I have made enough to afford a comfortable lifestyle for myself and my husband, but know it won't last for ever. Am I being foresighted knowing this?Talking to my husband hasn't worked, so what can I do?Joanne from Wigan, North West England(NOTE: I use my middle name here as a pseudonym since I would rather not use my real name for privacy reasons!)
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male
reader, Dai1986 +, writes (22 February 2011):
Try and have a reasoned conversation with him and make him realise he is only making a fool of himself and wouldn't you agree that most teenagers worth their salt would find adults like him sad and embaressing!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): ok Im only 17 but I hope thi answer helps,Your Husband has realised hes about to hit his Twilight years.Hes trying to relive his youth and be carefree, once more.hes afraid to grow older, and He wont listen as he wont accept he' having a midlfe crisis, one suggestion is that you speak to a marriage counselloranother is you use reverse psychology. pretend you dont give a damn what he does, my final suggestion may sound harsh but its effective, take refuge somewhere like a friends or a relatives and tell him if he doesnt buck up his ideas ur marriage is hitting the rocks.I hope Ive been able to help
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): whether this is a fake post or not, just decided to comment.my sisters husband went through a phase like your hubby. the new clothes, even borrowed his 20 year old sons "with it" clothing. the partying , the friends.....AND SADLY THE OTHER WOMAN. when this happens please be realistic enough to admit that another woman lurks in the background. if you do not contain him, you will be paying the price. my sister almost did. the only thing that stopped her hb from leaving the 20 something marriage was in his own words "i don't know if i can start all over again".
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (23 August 2009):
 "Talking to him got nowhere, he was trying to encourage me to live this 'social life' with him!"
AND
"I've asked to meet his new young friends, but he won't let me. He said they're mostly guys, only about 6 girls, but he still won't let me meet them."
Is it me, or do those two statements contradict themselves? Either he wants you to take part, or he doesn't.
You say you want to meet his young friends, but also call his new social life questionable.
His actions might be the result of a midlife crisis OR they might simply be the way he is. You wouldn't be the first woman marrying a guy expecting him to grow up.
I get the feeling you have a vision of how you expected your marriage to turn out. Is it possible that you forgot to ask your husband about his view?
You say talking to your husband hasn't worked. But from the contradiction I mentioned earlier, I get the feeling that "talking to" really meant "telling him".
I had to check the sexes for moment. Doesn't your post sound an awful lot like an older man who has made it financially, complaining that his trophy wife is more into the pool boy then into polo? Extremly sexists thing to comment on but still, why the bragging about your financial success? Do you think it is part of the issue? Maybe he is resentful that his wife is the money earner?
You two need to talk and LISTEN to each other. What is it you both want from your life. Alone or together?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2009): Your husband is having a mid-life crisis. However, it is of a very destructive nature. Most people approaching 40 want to feel young again and they generally deal with it by acting out breifly - buying that sexy sports car, getting plastic surgery, working out at the gym, etc...
However, going out with teens and planning trips with them? That is a sign that he is getting a major ego boost by being with them. Sounds like they think he is cool and he is enjoying the leadership role that provides. However, it cannot last. These teens will eventually move on as they get older and he will just wind up looking pathetic to them. That will be devastating for him and he may want to recapture old glory, as it were, by finding another group of 18-20 somethings, only this time he is older and just looks pathetic.
Maybe he doesn't want you to meet his friends because they don't know about you. Is he wearing his wedding ring when he goes out with them? Is he wearing it at all? You need to check for this. On the other hand, he may not want you to meet them because they will see him for what he is. Hearing about the wife and meeting her are two different things. Maybe he thinks that his little fantasy will be ruined if his friends meet you.
This type of mid-life crisis is destructive because he is taking a path that you cannot follow. If you are the breadwinner, then you are funding his activity. I would make sure that you protect your financial situation before you move on this. Make a seperate bank account and move a good chunk of your money into it. Move all of it except for some amount you are willing to lose if he bails on you and takes the money with him. Make some excuse like you are making an investment or something. Once you have your money free from his access, then confront him and be prepared to go all the way with it - you may have to.
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A
male
reader, Sphronas  +, writes (23 August 2009):
 Yes, it sounds as though your husband has indeed hit a major midlife crisis. It is, of course, not too unusual at his age, to realize that one is getting old and to try to put off the inevitable by acting younger than one really is. However, his behavior seems a little extreme.
You write that you are a successful businesswoman, but you don't mention your husband's career. Am I right in assuming that he has been less successful than you? If so, this is probably a major contributing factor in this whole issue.
My advice is twofold. First, show him in every way you can why you love him, why, for you, he is a great man no matter what he thinks he has or has not achieved, why no other man compares to him in your eyes (show him, don't tell him). Second, why not take a little inspiration from his attempts to be young again? I'm not suggesting you start hanging out with teenagers, but going to the gym and doing a little bit of clubbing yourself will remind you that there is a young person inside of you, too. And if you realize this, your husband might also realize it, and have no more need for the company of twentysomethings.
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