A
female
age
30-35,
*avwils12
writes:I have been married for under a year but I have known my husband for 8 years before that. We have always gotten along and everything started out great. I have a daughter which makes him a step father, she's almost a year old. Recently he has been bringing me down a lot and tells me I am stupid and dumb and yells at me for stupid things but when I tell him I am hurt he says he is just kidding and he is not being serious. My daughter has slept with me in bed before my husband and I moved in together and now he says the reason he treats me like shit is because she doesn't sleep in a crib and he can't sleep. I am trying to wean her over to the crib but he still gets sooo mad because she cries. Why is he acting like this? I actually tried to leave him and things went crazy! He got so mad and cried and said he can't live without me. He also said all he wants is for me to clean the bedroom. I did! He didn't even notice and i saw him for 30minutes only through out the whole day. The last time he said I was attractive/pretty was literally in april...its december now. What the hell is going on!!!? I am so kind to him and I always ask him about his day, what he wants to do, what he wants to eat, etc...and he ignores me but wont let me go and says he loves me so much. I am so confused.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 December 2010):
 Good luck with your counselling, I am glad to hear you are willing to give it a shot, and also happy to hear that if things dont improve you and your baby will be out of there!!
A
female
reader, cavwils12 +, writes (5 December 2010):
cavwils12 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you so much for your answers. I did tell him I am going to leave because I cant handle this. He doesn't call me any names like bitch but he does tell me i'm an idiot or dumb. He told me he wants counseling and that we should do couples counseling. I also discovered his father physically and mentally abused him until he was 18 years old but not sexually. I'm thinking this is why he is the way he is but still is no excuse to take his anger out on me. I'm the type to fight back if someone says something to me. A lot of the things he tells me are the exact things his father would tell him when he use to be around him. We have our first appointment in 1 week. As far as things go with our daughter, he loves her and I can truly see it that he cares for her so much. But if this relationship cannot go up from here, then I am ready to leave because my daughter and I deserve better.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (4 December 2010):
 A controlling man9a misogonist type) is not a man in my book he's a simple minded egotist that should be put in his place.I'd look into an escape plan.A man that is a loving husband trats his wife like a goddess. Stop trying to figure out what you need to do to fix it or what you did wrong and start trying to take care of your fuure. sorry but I've seen the horror stories of over controling men ruin the marriage then go nuts and blame the wife. Just trying to "keep-it-real" as the younger generation says. Best wishes for a safe and happy future.
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A
female
reader, Beaurosie  +, writes (4 December 2010):
This man does not love you! This man only wants to control you. You are like a puppet to him, he pulls the strings and you re-act. Firstly , now think about the love and respect that you have for yourself and your daughter. You owe it to yourself and your daughter to think of you First. You are an important person and you deserve respect and love. This man is giving you neither respect or love. He sounds like a selfish controlling monster. Please get rid of him before things spiral even more out of control. There are plenty of really nice and decent men in the world, please give one of them a chance to meet you and your daughter instead of wasting your life on this freak.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
It sound like you're finally meeting the real him. The guy that no longer feels the need to impress you, has become comfortable enough to completely let go. The honeymoon period is over basically and this the guy you will be spending the rest of your life with.
It doesn't matter how long you've known him either people are different in relationships than they are as friends.
There are no excuses for this behaviour at all it's abusive as hell and if I were you I'd begin to consider whether you really want a man like that in your child's life. Whether you want her to grow up thinking this kind of behaviour should be tolerated or that it's normal or good. Your daughter could very easily pick up on this and start treating you and others the same way. It doesn't matter how much he loves you or you love him it really is just not worth having her grow up like that. Because if she starts treating you that way too then you have to deal with that long term and you can't get rid of your daughter.
You need help and soon, and you have to learn to ignore what he says too, if he calls you bitch one minute and says he loves you, then that's a load of crap. You don't put down the ones you love, you raise them higher. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/women-actions-speak-louder-than-words.html
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (4 December 2010):
You need to get some help before this marriage deteriorates any further, you and he need to sort out this marriage and he needs to know that calling you dumb and stupid is verbal abuse.
If he is not the baby's father and she is less than 12 months old you may have rushed into marriage. If he is not willing to seek counselling with you it might be a good idea to seriously consider rushing out of marriage just as quick.
Good luck, I hope you can sort something out for you and your baby.
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