A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I think my husband is cheating, were do I begin. 6 Years ago I fund a pack of 4 viagra hidden in his wallet (I only picket it up because I though it looked a bit tatty and I would buy him a new one), I cuckled at first until I realised 2 were missing I hit the roof of course he denied it made an excuse for the missing 2 gave to a friend etc. I believed him. At the time he worked in a prison and part time in a youth club a woman used to ring him at night, she always sounded drunk and it was always about 10ish and on the house phone never bothered me.Over next few years different things happened, found out he had been using the house phone to ring sex lines, found porn mags dvd the daft sod even had paid for a porn channel on the tv and then denied it so I turned it on what upset me most was that I could not tell he was lying. Taking the washing out of the basket found a pair of underpants wet and wrung out, seemed odd just didnt give it a second though. Then got a phone call at 1 in the morning a man asking me to ask my husband to 'stop shagging his girlfriend' of course he denied it.3 years ago he changed job he has a blonde thin admin ass the joke here is she used to work on a sex phone line. He takes a lap top to work etc I have been going through the lap top bag for the last 12 month he has that much viagra (not english the copy type kanagra) he could be a chemist. I have found half tablets wrapped in cling film in his suite pockets, the latest find is a elastic band thick and knotted i think this is used during sex to keep the erection longer.I am also having to deal with secrets eg he has been fined twice once for speeding and once for driving through a red light also he has had a traffic accident he has told me nothing abut these, all these have happened in the last 9 months (they effect my insurance I need to know). He has large debts and has remortaged the house. I feel emotionaly sick started eating and am now fat, I am taking control of myself diet hair cut etc (don't know if this is right or wrong). He is really horrible to our daughts who are 22 and 25 still at home. He winges at every thing the food the state of the house (I work full time etc). Nothings good enough he used to be fun I can tell by the way he looks at me that he feels nothing for me no smile etc. My mum died suddenly 3 months ago he showed no emotion just said it happens to us all. He has never approached me for sex for 20yrs i have to make the first move then he would complain about the unsatisfactory sex life or lack of it but he never should me any love no kiss no cuddles nothing. I have never told any of this to any one i am so embarassed don't know what to do.Every one thinks hes great bloke lots of fun etc never takes me, out all his friends are single he also goes on trips all over the world watching football I never complain may be I should.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 February 2009):
 Remember it doesn't matter what he says. What matters is how you feel. When a significant other cheat, everyone in the family is affected. How YOU deal with it is what matters.
You knew in your gut he was cheating. You preferred status quo. ( We all do at some point). He lied, you swept it under the carpet. Now the "hump" on the carpet huge as an elephant and it has hugely affected you and your psyche. Time for you to not give a hoot about what everyone will think, but what you FEEL and what you NEED.
I wish you the best of luck and please let us know what's up.
I'm glad you came here and opened your eyes. Don't forget there is no instant fix to anything. One day at the time. One hurdle at the time. But this time, understand that YOU come first.
A
female
reader, rejuven8  +, writes (27 February 2009):
I am only 27 years old and divorced a few years ago, wasn't married for too long but know that my divorse was the best thing my husband ever did for me!!!! (he fell in love with one of his many lovers and left me)
You don't need this treetment and you know it. You would be happier alone then to be with this sefish man. You obviously also need some love and afection.......and some randy hot sex.
There are so many lonely men out there who would love to be with you and give you everything you need, dont waste your time any longer, it's harse for me to say this to you, I know, and it's not that easy. But you're worth much more then he is giving you.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): Thank you for coming back That helps us a lot to understand and maybe help others - generally there is always one of us here. (i don't mean in my house) i mean online.
Please let us know what happens - we all are rooting for you. it will be tough, but you know the right answer. You have given so much - now its your turn to get that back. If you want you back, fight for her.
Big Hugs.Star.x.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your replies, they have made me think I have been burying my head thinking things would change and all thats happened is that he's got braver and is flaunting his affairs in my face. He has destroyed myself esteem and made me so afraid of what people will say and think. When I wrote the question it was the 1st time I had ever had the courage to look at the whole picture. If you ever meet me you would not see me the way I appear as a mouse. I appear happy go lucky self confident but it all an act. I will have to find the courage to face him but he will just lie. I must do what is best for me and stop living a in his shadow, thank you all so much!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): How many signs do you need? It has been "in your face" for over 6 years! He's behaving this way because you have allowed it for so very long!
You need to confront him now!!! Tell him you have had enough of his crap and you want him out. If he refuses, I would walk out on him! Your daughters are old enough to fend for themselves. I would just walk out! You deserve so much more from a relationship! He is a anchor that you are tied to and sinking fast, well actually not that fast if it has been as long as you say!
Don't worry that you won't find someone who loves you the way you deserve! You will! If you read some of my posts you will understand that I know what I am talking about! I have lived through similar (but different) circumstances! The best thing I ever did was walk away from my ex (at age 56)
Getting control of the weight, and cutting your hair are Good Things! Take control of your life and find happiness!! Don't spend another year finding evidence of a loveless marriage! You can control your own destiny! Be strong and confident!!!!!
I wish you luck, and courage to do what you know you should do!!!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): As a male and as someone who cheated once before, some of the stuff you mention is exactly what I did when I cheated on my girlfriend. For that i lost her and never cheated again.Sounds like your man is cheating and has done so for quite some time. You deserve better!!As hard as it is going to be for you, you should get out now!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 February 2009):
IF your gut tells you he is cheating I would listen to it. I think it's right :(
You need to figure out what you want to do. Time for you to think of yourself. Your kids are big enough to handle whatever comes.
Like many people who cheat he is doing the typical thing, deny, deny, deny. And since you seem to believe him he keeps at it.
You need to ask yourself if this is the life you want. Do things for yourself.
Secondly, and this is important, you need to get a STD panel done.
I can not imagine being in a relationship where there is no intimacy :(
You deserve to be happy and only you can make that happen.
You two have zero communication, zero trust and he certainly do not respect you. I would suggest you dump his sorry ass, but from what you have written you do not want that so my second suggestion is you two get some counseling, though I seriously doubt he will go with you.
Don't expect him to stop his behavior. He seemingly have done it for a long time. You can not cure a cheater. You can not make a liar stop lying.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): others will give you better answers than mine - I can only tell you what I would do in a similar situation. Just get out. He isn't worth it - you are better than that. the viagra and all the things you have described look like neon signs to me as an outsider... i am sure you know this and don't need me to tell you.
Hugs Star.x.
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