A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:About 5 years ago after 20 years of marriage, my husband started to talk about swinging. I thought he was kidding at first and he got angry when I siad absolutly not. We had a good sex life and had been faithful to each other. To please him I agreed to go to a couple of aprties to watch. It was ok - we would have good sex when we got home. He kept pushing to start to swap, and I eventually agreed for just one time. It did continue and over time he wanted to go more and more. I felt depressed and angry afterwards and tried to tell him I wanted to stop. We were planning to move out of the country, and he said he wanted to continue until we moved and then "never again". After 5 years, we did move out of the counrty. His swinger contacts were gone and he started asking me to try to find a club in our new country. I told him he had promised to stop when we moved - he became angry and moody, even saying we wanted to move back.After a year, we returned to our old home to visit family. He said he wanted to go to a party, and I agreed but told him it was just to please him.When we returned to our new home, he was constantly looking for a couple to swing with. This makes meeting people very uncomfortable as I see him just searching for swinging couple.2 months ago he had to go back to our old home town on family business. He was gone 3 weeks, and I really felt he could have been back sooner. Now I find out he attended at least one and maybe 2 swinger parties at the club we used to go to.I confronted him about it, and he admitted he went to one party. Now, he is having to return and again wants to stay longer than I think is necessary - basically so he is there for 2 weekends. I feel really unhappy about this - depressed and I am losing my feelings for him. I am suspicious of his motives and hate myself for being a jelious wife. I am basically without friends or family here and there is no one to talk to about this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): your husband is cheating on you.
swinging occurs when both parties agree. your husband is Fing around and just expects you to deal with it. you need to see a divorce attorney and start thinking about your future.
your hb has had multiple partners. enagaging in all sorts of sexual activities. do you not fear fro your health?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2010): In the name of liberalism, we have created so many terms and kind of approved them socially and they are taking it's toll.
Obviously this swinging option itself would have been there in society and it would be much better. But now since we have it, considering you agreed to it, there is less you can do it.
he will stop it on it's own and not by force. Only thing you can do is you do not get involved and tell it frankly. if he wants to still swing, let him. Time will teach him that it is bad thing to go far.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2010): Oh this so, so sad..and after reading your reply to the other Agony Aunts/Uncles, the one part that enforces, supports my own views on ' SWINGING is' Believe me, there are plenty of wives at those parties who are only going because they are forced into it.who sit quietly in the corner and wait for the husband to finish. A really sad and pathetic scene." This really SUMS the whole sordid situation up.
Yes we know you should NEVER have agreed to take part in the first place, but you did, and that cannot be changed.
Basically SWINGING is for bored married people, who do not really enjoy sex between each any more - now you can say that it wasn't like that, but let me ask you, how many couples in love and well into each other want to see, know their partner is having SEX, mechanical copulation with another? I'm putting it in basic terms to get across, that swinging can be dressed up all you like, it remains ultimately an option MOSTLY for men to remain in the status quo, SECURITY of a home, have a housekeeper ( Wife) to do all the chores, look after the children whilst he has sex with other partners - Isn't that could an AFFAIR?
Most married people who have got to this stage, it's not just the sex that has vanished from their marriage, but the REAL EMOTIONAL INTIMACY that is needed to keep a loving relationship together.
A question for you - IF you were dating a man, who you really liked, and he suggested you go to a party for casual sex ( which is what it is) would you go, or would you be immediately put off, as this was NOT part of a loving relationship? I suspect the LATTER, so IF one wouldn't entertain it or put up with it when dating, WHY ever would anyone ACCEPT such a situation within marriage?
Too many people put the blinkers on, don't face the problem, that a marriage to get to this stage is OVER in the traditional sense. So you can either WORK as a couple to try and get the spark back, and if it doesn't work out, be grown up and adult and part, because I assure you if you don't, the marriage will never be the same again, and rooms full of sad, lonely wives on a Saturday night will continue, instead
starting out and finding someone who cherishes and loves you with respect.
Otherwise, the alternative is what you have sadly - marriage is for two people, and if not, then it's called being SINGLE and dating..or as some guys would say.. Having some FUN!
Please take care, and please try to be strong and remove yourself from this situation..
Good luck!
Jilly x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2010): Will you recover from this ugly situation if he stopped tomorrow? Will you always be looking over your shoulder worried he will be sneaking off to another party? He is not just lying to you he is abusing you. I hate to say this as it sounds cruel but what he is doing is like saying you are not enough for him - and his sexual approach is now not love it is purely lust and gratification. For another person to make you feel that way is totally and grossly unacceptable - marriage or not. At the moment you are giving him the stability of marriage whilst he gets his fill elsewhere. My suggestion is to take his stability away. Walk away. Pack a bag next time he is gone and when he returns you will not be there. You have become a doormat and now its time to pick yourself up and face reality. That way he will have a choice - he stops or its over.
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A
female
reader, LoveIsStrongerThanPride +, writes (24 July 2010):
 Tell him NO MORE and like everyone else said if he doesn't respect you tell him its over! I think this is sick. Marriage is for two people and sex between those two people not a hundred! I would never come close to this situation, I would say are you crazy? And wonder if that is the person I should be with. I just don't get it, I can't imagine having sex with other people, only the person that I love. You guys need counseling, don't let him brainwash you, its not ok! And now he is cheating on you! Get a grip on this its out of control, why does he need to have sex with other women so bad!? I feel sorry for you but you also need to stick up for yourself, have some pride.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2010): First, there's no reason to relive the past and let it haunt you. Let it go... Second, your husband is a very inconsiderate self-centered ass. He is supposed to put you and your feelings in front of everything else. He's clearly not doing this and is following his dick like it's a divining rod.
You need to decide if your marriage is what you want, I'm not sure that even if he agreed to stop 100% and never bring it up again that you'd want to stick with him. If that's the case, end the marriage and move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your relies.
Trust me, I know I was wrong to not have the strength to tell him no to swinging when it first started. There are many reasons we do what we do, and for me it was to keep the peace, make him happy. I realize now it really was abuse when I cried and pleaded not to have to go to those parties and he still pushed me into them. Believe me, there are plenty of wives at those parties who are only going because they are forced into it.who sit quietly in the corner and wait for the husband to finish. A really sad and pathetic scene.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2010): On one hand, like Honeypie said, agreeing to it to any extent only gave him the green light to go further, since swinging is all about not having a problem with it, and you showed that you didn't, once you gave him one inch at all.
On the other hand, he's now cheating on you, because he's doing it behind your back without your consent. Again, though, you went with him to a party when you returned home to visit, which tells him it's okay to go and pee on that tree again. If you cared too much about it, you wouldn't let him have his way at all. Now you see that he could care less what you think about it, and you finally care. There's only one thing you can do about it, and that's tell him "no more, or it's over", and if he's screws that up, end your relationship.
Just to make it clear, though.. you can't be having open sex and visiting swinger parties yourself if you want him to change at all. It seems you want your cake and your icing, too. Either shit or get off the pot.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 July 2010):
 Honestly, you should never have agreed in the first place, obviously it was against what you feel, but.. hindsight is always 20/20.
I don't think he understand WHY you don't want to do it with him. He doesn't get it. For him it was the opportunity to cheat on you while you watched or even better, he guilted you into "cheating" too. Like so many other people, he thinks it's not cheating if you BOTH do it.
I'm sorry he is not going to stop this. He will keep wanting to have sex with other people whether you join in or not.
Personally I don't believe in open marriages, my thing is.. if you want to screw around then don't get married, stay single.
I don't see why you feel bad about how you feel. If my husband ever came home wanting to swing I would tell him to go suck an egg. Actually I would suggest he divorced me first then he would be free to fuck around. I don't play games, mind games or sex games.
I really think you need to sit him down and very calmly explain why you don't want to do it anymore. Whether you want to put an ultimatum in there or not that is up to you.
Just be assured, that no matter how much you love him and have sex with him, he will not quit the swinging.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (24 July 2010):
 My wife and I did the 70's trip too. It will never go away in her mind...she has guilt beyond belief and it has nearly ruiened our marriage. I on the other hand put the incident in a cubby hole in my memory bank and don't think of it. It can eat you alive or it can be a memory...let it be just a memory for you and forget the past. tell your Mr. it aint gonna happen and that's that. If he respects you he'll comply. Otherwise you don't need someone that won't respect you and your body.
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A
female
reader, a_seidner06 +, writes (24 July 2010):
 This is gunna sound harsh, maybe he dont think your guys' sex life is what it was- exciting and fun. My ex and I attempted this, never went through with it, but we attempted. Its hard to say why he has such a hard on for this stuff. I later found out, my ex didnt find our sex life exciting and this being the reason why I said what I did above about your husband. Have you talked to him about this, your feelings and how you feel about this issue?? Let it be known, give him an ultimatum. Tell him your not happy and if he continues to disrespect your feelings, then your gunna leave.
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