A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HelloThankyou in advance for any advice..sorry it's so longI've been with my husband for a long time and we have a 8 year old daughter together and older kids from our first marriages, on the whole we've been happy, but about 6 months after we had our daughter I noticed a change in his behaviour I put it down to a new baby at first then realised it was more, it turned out he was having an emotional affair with an old work colleague, it was clear from the content of the texts and emails it wasn't sexual but it still hurt, I forgave him and we moved on, then about 2 years ago once again I noticed a change in his behaviour and esp around his mobile and I discovered he was having another phone fling with someone he met on a chat site , this time whilst they hadn't met up they did talk sexually and exchanged photos etc, this time I talked anout ending the relationship he didn't want to and begged me to go to relate which we did and I'm glad to stay we worked threw our issues and I feel he won't do anything again, but now the table has turned and this is where the problem is... About a year ago I bumped into a old best school friend, he'd moved abroad with his family at 16 and we'd lost contact (my hb was with me) we swooped numbers again in front if our partners and said about meeting up with all the kids and catching up which we did...we since kept in contact and spoke at length a lot due to my son wanting to join the police force, my friend is a police officer! Our friendship has never been or is sexual and 99% we talk about the kids but on one occasion my friend admitted he'd liked me at school a lot and wish he hadn't been so shy and told me, we then went on to have a conversation about what if things might have been different but we ended the email saying things have worked out for the best cause we met our partners and have our beautiful children and we've never spoke like that since, it really is was a lighthearted conversation almost jokey in a sense like our children would have got your ears and we would have argued over what teams our kids would have supported etc... Unbeknown to me my hb was using spy wear to copy our conversations, thinking something was going on between us..... He's confronted me with this conversation and we've had a huge row, so much to the point he's stopped me speaking to him and he isn't talking to me...it's been 6 weeks of silence now, when I try to talk about it he says I've double standards and a happy person doesn't talk about what ifs...I've forgiven him for 2 actual emotional affairs and this is a friendship, I've apologised several times if he thinks I did wrong..... I'just want my old life back..he's not sleeping in my bed won't talk or look at me and doesn't answer my text, I said does he want to split up and he cried and said no he loves me ..I'm confused cause he says he wants me but his actions don't...when I say that he just shrugs his shoulders and walks away, what can I say to him or what do I do?
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female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (3 July 2014):
 I agree with Honey pie either he sits and talks and resolve this matter or you leave and file for divorce. This is unfortunately not going anywhere with the childish behaviour. Further unless he has done something more than an emotional affair he is using this as an excuse to justify his behaviour. I also find it strange he has been spying on you? Sounds like you guys may need to seek counselling.
A
female
reader, tiakef  +, writes (3 July 2014):
 lets see, emotional affair is still an affair. n technically you hurt him, but honest to god i don't see the big deal, u weren't telling your best friend that you should have been with him n that your current relationship is stupid. he confessed to you and of course being curious humans we would wonder what it would be like to be with the other but if we r happy in our current situation we would draw the line and say yes this is how we could have been if our lives were different but its not and its for the best. you didn't do anything wrong.in the case of your husband being sexual with some idiot he found on the internet, that's wrong. it still hurt your husband for what you did so talk it out with him. To me he just being a self righteous man that looking for something to b mad at u for n trying to punish for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 July 2014):
 I would sit him down and tell him either you two talk it out and work it out (and you need to stop apologizing, you have already apologized enough) OR divorce is the next logical step.
Because living like the two of you do now is not working.
It IS a double standard. I think BECAUSE he cheated on you he put on the spyware because well, he KNEW there could be a chance that YOU would WANT to reach out to this guy emotionally and he might want to reach out to you. Because he has cheated in the past HE doesn't TRUST.
And now he is PUNISHING you. Even if it was an emotional or almost physical affair it was something where HE was excluded. Swapping numbers in front of your spouses doesn't mean it's innocent.
So you need to decide how long you will let him sulk and act like a 5 year old. And you also need to consider how you talk to that old friend. YOU might think it's all innocent, but had that been your husband and another woman reminisce over how they could/should have hooked up in the past you wouldn't like it either..
There is no trust right now in your marriage. You might trust your husband but only so far. HE certainly don't trust you. So what do you have? And how do you rebuild?
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